It's Summertime

Greetings all,

I find it funny that when I started writing this blog, I knew nobody was reading it.  There was a kind of freedom in that.  I could say what I liked.  I could work through my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about anyone using it against me or projecting themselves onto what I'd written (either correctly or incorrectly).  While I do my best to not make things personal when writing, the personal sphere seeps in.  It kind of has to for my words to have any true emotional depth behind them.  So I am re-examining how much I share of my inner workings.

My faith in humanity has been sorely tested this past few years.  While I am far from perfect I strive to be good and easy to get along with.  I should explain that I spent a majority of my life feeling very lonely.  I did not really have a group of close friends until I reached my mid twenties.  That first group soured and went bad.  After coming close to death I realized how toxic that group was for me.  I excised them from my life.  Which is a fancy way to say I burned down every connection that led back to them, no matter how tangential.  I have since gone through several iterations of that pattern to lesser or greater degree (without the dying part though, I decided that part sucked).  This blog actually started after another relationship purge that was as life altering as that first one.  So here I am once more in the midst of The Purge.  I've tried to make this one a slow controlled burn, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it and get out the kerosene.

I've asked myself what particular character flaw gets me into these situations.  What I've boiled it down to is that I am always trying to not feel lonely.  I grew up with loneliness as my constant companion.  So I've put up with a lot of toxic behavior from folks just so that I don't have to be alone.    Again this is not to say that I don't have my annoying traits (I know I do because sometimes I annoy myself), but I have experimented extensively with hanging with folks that simply tolerate me.  My experiments have concluded it is not worth it.  I end up feeling worthless and believing that I am hard to love.  So not exactly what I am looking for in my relationships with others.

Why am I telling you this?  I'm lonely, and it is by design at this point.  I've cut out anyone I have deemed toxic.   What I have done in the past is to look for new folks to fill that void, but I am trying to slow down.  It's all about quality not quantity when it comes to people.  I'm over putting up with cruelty in personal relationships (or professional ones either).  So right now I am floating in my bubble of solitude.  I don't think my need for companionship  will ever go away as it is part of being human, but I want to work on evolving how I relate to and fulfill that need.   I am not living as a monk or nun this lifetime so personal relationships will play a crucial role in the shape and pattern of my life.  As such I want to get a handle on this so I can experience different journeys going forward.

How about you?  Aside from your basic physical needs, relationships will have the greatest impact on how happy you are with your life.  Do you have any toxic people dumping chemical waste into your emotional aquifers? Are you with the people in your life just so that have somebody in your life? Do you enjoy their company?  Do you feel better or worse from your interactions?  It pays to get clarity and to prune our social contacts from time to time.  It doesn't have to be nasty or showy, you can just decide to spend less time with certain folks, or no time at all.  It is your life and your time, spend it with people you love and who love you too.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle