Musings

Musings

Friday, October 16, 2020

Welcome to the Darkness


 Greetings all,

Welcome to the Darkness, I've been waiting for you....

Those are the first lines of my new book.  The book I am continually avoiding working on these days.  I thought it would be an appropriate way to start this post.  I haven't been writing much the past few months.  I've been busy working on other projects like live streaming, launching a second youtube channel, and otherwise overhauling how I conduct business.  Basically I'm trying to move my whole practice online.  It makes it easy to relocate. 

We're well past 6 months into the pandemic and I am sure many of us have reached the limits of our reserves.  Here in the northern hemisphere we're also heading into the dark half of the year.  So welcome into this dark time of uncertainty.  In the midst of this we have gaslighting on a societal level here in the U.S.  and a continued culture of oppression and genocide.  These are tough times.  It's easy to get run down and despair when our only outlet is online, but that outlet is also full of the poison and rhetoric that disheartens us.  I like many of you, have at times lost faith that there could be any hope for a brighter future  in our lifetimes.   This is with all the training, techniques, and spiritual tools that I have at my disposal.  I can hardly imagine what someone who has access to none of those is experiencing.  I'm also able to sequester and work from home.  Many people don't have that option. 

I have found myself despairing and then beating  myself up for despairing which then spirals into self judgment and of course more despair.  What this has taught me is that no one gets out of the darkness unscathed.  It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm human and vulnerable.  I have limits to the amount of energy I can access to combat stress.  When it is depleted I move much more sluggishly to get anything done.  I've not been especially productive and the self recrimination I've felt has shown me just how deeply the cultural programming of how we value ourselves goes.  Intellectually I know that life has value outside of productivity, but in my bones I still feel the need to justify my existence by accomplishing something.  (Like writing a blogpost...)

Why am I telling you this?  I am quite sure many of you are exhausted, depressed, and anxious.  I want to let you know that you haven't failed to walk a spiritual path if you're feeling that way.  All of those emotions and experiences are part of the dark night of the soul.  The pain we are feeling can make us go deeper and acknowledge truths about ourselves, our beliefs, and the way we've been conducting our lives. It may clue us in to what matters to us, and give us clarity about what we want and don't want from life. That said it is not an enjoyable process. 'For the night is dark and full of terrors.' (GOT quote) 

So how about you?  Are you stuck in the pit of despair?  Are you struggling to match your ideals to your feelings and experiences?  Are you judging yourself by standards made for better times?  I would suggest that you cut yourself some slack.  Do your best to find compassion for yourself in these times.  Experiment until you find what works for you.  Then practice it, make it your super power.  When the time comes, you may be the one to teach others resilience.  The world is dark now, you are the light.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Saturday, July 25, 2020

Holding Pattern


Greetings all,

I am still here.  I hope you are persisting against the odds in these very challenging times.  I find myself looking back a lot lately.  Summer nostalgia is usually at its strongest after the midpoint, but this year it seems even stronger.

I find myself thinking of people who are no longer in my life.  Some of them have died, some of them I have parted ways with.  It's funny that I am missing the people lately that I parted with on poor terms.  It's not that I want them back in my life, just that the times when we did get along were good and the smell of the season makes me long for those simpler times.  I'm not so far removed from those times to remember that I wanted to escape those moments into a different future.  The trap of memory is that we can picture things either better than they were or worse than they ever were.  The truth is that each time in our life is a mix of good and bad.  The same holds true for relationships.

For many years, I hung onto anger for the people who had hurt me even long after they were gone from my life.  At first, I did this as a way to not be fooled into letting them back into my life.  The anger was a shield to keep their energies at bay.  Empathy can be an Achilles heel, and I found that anger was a good way for me to declare and enforce boundaries.  I still think it has its uses, but not for the longterm.  Holding the pattern of anger or hatred for years is exhausting.  I'll be honest with you guys I have hated a bunch of people.  I did this because it made it easier to stay angry with them and push them away.  I needed to keep them away because they abused and hurt me, repeatedly.  Now, I am wanting to open my heart again to new possibilities, to new hopes and dreams.  I don't think I can do that until I lay that old anger and hatred aside.  I want to, but I am also afraid that without it I won't have that shield for those people who would hurt me again if given the chance.  (Yes they would do that, which is why I banished them from my life).  I have started saying to myself, " I don't hate them, I just don't trust them."  That alone is a huge step for me.  

Why am I telling you this?  Well it came out of a conversation I was having with a friend online about  how to hold someone accountable, but not have to carry the emotional weight of the hurt they caused.  I'd like to honor the good that came from those relationships, but I also don't want any of those fuckers back in my life.  I'm certain that most of you have experienced something like this.  I also know that like me many of you are starving for social interaction.  Maybe you are thinking of reaching out to that old toxic person from your past just so that you have someone else  to talk about the good old days.  I just have one thing to say to you , "DON'T DO IT!" Don't repeat my mistake of allowing people who don't treat you right back into your circle just so you can avoid the pain of being alone. If you're that lonely, talk to me.  Seriously I am as stir crazy as the next person, you'd be doing me a favor.  

So how about you?  How are you navigating relationships in these strange days?  Are you reminiscing more?  Are you looking at the past through colored lenses?  Inventorying our past is useful as long as we are being truthful about it, and not emphasizing either the good or the bad over the other.  Are you holding onto old hurts so that you can hold onto your boundaries?  Maybe it is time to set those feelings aside while keeping your boundaries.   Maybe it is time that we love ourselves enough so that we don't need to hold onto hurt in order to take care of ourselves.  Maybe when we're done loving ourselves, we can share that love with those who will honor us.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Monday, July 6, 2020

In Dark Places

Greetings all,

I hope you are healthy and safe.  We are in the midst of dark days.  There are likely darker ones ahead. So of course I am working with light in the studio.

I've been fascinated with playing with light for a long time.  I did a self initiation ceremony fifteen years ago for which I ordered fifty glow sticks of various colors.  I hung them in a circle in a small forested area near my home.  Part of the ceremony was to light them up as I entered right after the sun went down.  It was one of the most magical nights of my life.  The beauty of that multicolored phosphor light has stayed with me.  Years ago I bought a ceramics book at a convention.  In one of the chapters there was a photo of a clay lantern.  It had a lovely ovoid shape and very fine curvilinear cut outs to allow the light through.  I immediately wanted to make one.  I had tried on numerous occasions to make something that vaguely embodied what I had envisioned.  I have repeatedly failed in that attempt, until now.

I haven't yet fired this piece or the others in the series, but I am finally hitting the aesthetic I pictured. I started having more success when I changed a few things: the tool I was using to carve them, when in their drying cycle I carved them, and bringing them outside on my deck to carve in natural light.  (Made the process more enjoyable than doing it in the dark basement studio).  As I bring these ideas into physical being I find moments of joy and peace even in the pandemonium that we have shaking our world.  I don't think it is an accident that right now I am working on creating forms that only show their true beauty in the darkness.

I try not to look ahead too much because the future is smoke and while things could change to bring about a more just and healthy world they could also go the opposite way at this juncture.  I say that not to frighten you, but to emphasize just how important this moment in time is.  Many people are re-examining their relationships in their life, not just to other people, but to their work, their time, and their values. We have people in the streets demanding concrete changes to how our society runs.  We have people re-imagining the world.  At the same time, we have systems of power structures working overtime to maintain control of the narrative, and to offer us false choices.  We can refuse those choices and demand our own.  I am for the most part sheltering in place, sharing what I can, and creating.  I want to bring more beauty and wonder into the world.  So I create with my hands and heart.

Why am I telling you this? Right now it seems that my ability to create in the visual arts is finally coming to maturity.  I don't think it is an accident that it is happening now.  What ability or talent is bursting forth from you in this moment of crisis? As the structures of our narrative have fallen away what deep need in you is finally being expressed?  I know many people are cooking for the very first time, or baking, or sewing, or getting outside daily, or really giving their loved ones time.  There is something special inside of you that yearns to be birthed into the world, and oddly enough it may be exactly what the world needs.  If not the actual product itself, the energy that is generated from your act of creation.  Maybe it is joy that comes from it.  Maybe it is peace.  Maybe it is stillness or even love.

Not all of you have had the time, but many of you have.  Are you courting the aliveness within you? Are you reconnecting with the essentials of your own nature?  Are you recreating your personal world, or are you just waiting for a return to normal?  The world needs all of you right now.  The parts of you that have been pushed into the closet of abandoned dreams and wishes need to be brought out.  So go, venture into the darkness, and if you need a bit of light, take a lantern with you.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle



Sunday, June 7, 2020

What is Owed

Greetings all,

One of my guides referred to the times we are living in now as the crucible.  Basically we are being put in a container where the fire is being turned up to burn out the inconsistencies. The burn off stage is one of the steps in the great work of alchemy.  Currently we are all being challenged to clarify ourselves in our thoughts and deeds.  We are seeing this on the societal level too.

Speaking of society, notice anything lately?  Everything is heightened.  I am not saying things are worse at the moment just that the contrasts are being sharply highlighted.  Many of the illusions we've clung to are being ripped away to reveal what lies beneath.  There is a widespread belief that if we have all the necessities of life while others do not that this comes from some sort of inherent trait or goodness on our part.  It allows us to write off people who aren't getting their needs met, putting it all on their personal choices.  If the pandemic has taught us anything, it is that our health and well being is interconnected.  We are as healthy as the least well off person we come into contact with. So maybe healthcare should be a right and not a privilege, just saying.

In the midst of the health and economic crisis we are also being forced to look at the inherent racism and inequality in our systems.  Let me be clear, racism affects everyone, but some bear the brunt of the burden.  Still it holds our whole society down.  We have spent so much energy and resources to keep people down that we don't have enough to support our citizens.  How many masks can a single canister of tear gas buy?  Perhaps the brilliant mind who could have found a treatment or a quicker route to a vaccine is in prison just because he was born black in America, and 'fit the description of a suspect'. We have for hundreds of years now had one of our hands tied up trying to push people down.  Where would we be now if we had just let people get up, or even lent a hand to help?  I don't know, and the fact that I have trouble even picturing it is part of the problem.

Why am I telling you this?  Why am I focusing so much on world events?  Well we are not born in a vacuum.  Our culture shapes and molds us.  Events in the world affect us.  We in Eurocentric cultures have been raised on the myth of the individual.  It's all about individual success and rights.  The problem is that we are not an individualist species.  There are species that are like that.  They get together during mating season and then go their separate ways.  The females raise the young and then they kick them loose.  Some of the great cat species are like that.  They are fine on their own.  They can take care of themselves.  They are strong individuals, but they also aren't building any world spanning civilizations.  Those are not built by individuals, but by collective effort.   Every road we drive on, every piece of food we eat, and every article of clothing we wear is made possible by incredible collaborations. For those die hard individualists I find it the height of hypocrisy that they claim they got there all by themselves.

In my last livestream on Youtube I talked about what we owe.  In this time of great upheaval and change we need to ask questions.  What do we owe to each other?  What do we owe to society? We also need to ask what do we owe to ourselves?  Most of us are in servitude to a system that doesn't care if we live or die.  It cares about maintaining power.  We should ask whether the economy should serve the people or if the people exist to serve the economy.  All lives are precious, but until Black Lives Matter, no lives will matter.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

P.S.  Here is a link to some organizations that you can donate to that are working for change. https://mix247edm.com/blm-and-blm-lgbtq-charities-you-can-donate-to/

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

It's the End of the World as We Know It & I Don't Feel Fine

Greetings all,

We really must stop meeting like this.  The news is grim.  People are acting crazy.  There seems to be no end of the crisis in sight.  Our national leaders in the USA have abandoned us to worship the god of the marketplace.  Small businesses are drowning, people can't make rent, and healthcare is even harder to come by than it was before.

I will share that I have been told by my team of spirit helpers to wait.  If I try to look forward too much it makes me shiver.  This is the hard lesson of living in the moment.  The moment is uncomfortable.  The moment is scary and uncertain.  The moment is for me at least not bad on the surface as long as I don't try and project forward.  I am comfortable where I am physically.  I have food, shelter, and most of my basics met (as long as I don't need healthcare).  Still there is something definitely missing, and that something is a probable future.

All futures are up for grabs right now.  I said it in my last post the world we knew is gone.  Whatever version will rise to replace it, is not yet ready for the unveiling.  I want information from my guides, but I keep getting told, "Wait."  One did elaborate and said I could wait with purpose.  So I have been trying a few things here and there (mostly here though as there is no place to go).  I started experimenting in my studio.  Weird thing is that the experiments have mostly worked.  I am not used to success.  I had years of failures with recipes and techniques. It is rather uncanny and I am slow to trust this.  Of course I am slow to trust in general.

What makes something precious?  Is it the effort in its making?  Is it the time it took?  Is it the material cost?  Is it something else entirely?  While I am trying to avoid projecting forward to a return to what was, I am starting to wonder what would I like to see instead of the normal I knew.  Normal was slowly killing me and billions of others.  What could the new normal entail? Would it be better, and more importantly how do we get there from here?  So many questions and so few answers, and of the answers we have, none are comforting.

Why am I telling you this?  Well we have been in this crisis long enough for it to sink in how changed our world is.  There are some good signs like cleaner air and clearer skies alongside ominous signs of coming violence from those that want normal at ALL costs.  I hope we decide to become better people who value each other.  My faith in humanity is definitely at a low point these days, but maybe I am just being blinded by ugly outliers.  Maybe there are many more good people who care than there are cruel ones.  The cruel ones sure do make a lot of noise....and mess.

How about you?  Are you navigating the maze of madness of these times alright? Do you long for contact?  Do you know what it is that you miss?  Can you without referencing what was, focus on what you would like to experience when the darkness has passed finally?  What shape would you like the world to be?  What society would you like to live in?  What does it feel like?  How does it treat the least among us? Does that society provide for the needs of its people in a way that works for all or just for the few?  What can we learn from where we are so we choose more wisely where we are going?  Let me know what you come up with.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Lost World

Greetings all,

I hope you are keeping well in your isolation.  I have my up times and down times.  This past week has been more down for me.  It is just beginning to sink in how long this may go on for, and what that means for my life and for the lives of so many others.

I like many folks out there am feeling a profound sense of grief and loss.  It is the loss of the world I knew.  The loss of normal is profoundly disturbing to me.  I find this odd because normal was not working for me.  I know I am not alone in this especially here in the States.  Normal pretty much gave us this pandemic.  It prioritized profits over life.  It normalized politicians holding citizen's basic needs hostage to play power games.  It celebrated cruelty and racism.  It devalued the people that actually keep the economy and the people of our society alive.  It was a world that was all about constant consumption, productivity, and environmental depredation.  We were literally pillaging the future to pay for the present.

So if it was so horrible why are we mourning its loss?  Well it is what we knew, and because it is all most of us knew it feels like a part of us has been ripped away.  It also bears a striking similarity to being in a toxic relationship.  It was a hard lesson to learn that even when I left a relationship that was abusive and toxic I sometimes still missed the person. Missing them didn't mean I was wrong about leaving.  I think what is going on right now is we are missing our relationship with our toxic society, even though it wasn't good for us and was slowly (or in some cases not so slowly) killing us. Still even for those of us who wanted massive societal change, we are just as upset as those content with the status quo.  There is so much uncertainty right now.  We know the world is changing but we don't know where the new path is taking us.  Human beings don't like uncertainty, we do just about anything to avoid it.

I think beyond all of the habituation we miss what we thought of as ourselves and our place in the world, even if the place sucked.  We knew where we were, who we were, and had a reasonable idea of where we were going.  We miss the idea of our lives, and the shapes that it filled in our days.  So many of our distractions are gone right now.  Work, socializing, and shopping being the foremost in those distractions. When I complained to one of my guides how lonely I was feeling they reminded me that I had been lonely most of my life.  When I  pointed out that before the pandemic I could at least go out to the movies or a store, they said, "You are confusing commerce with connection."  They also pointed out that I am not alone in this confusion.

Why am I telling you this?  Well I am quite sure many of you have reached the stage where you are uncertain what shape the new world will take as the old world passes away.  Make no mistake there will be no going back to what was before.  Too many people have paid with their lives for that to happen.  The world of humanity has stopped in a way it hasn't for quite some time.  Many people are questioning whether we should keep things going in the same direction when we start this locomotion back up, or whether we should lay new tracks.

So how about you?  Are you grieving the lost world?  Are you apprehensive of what form the new world will take?  Do you find yourself questioning your goals and where you want to go next?  Do you feel unmoored lost in a sea of shadowy prospects?  Well that's where most of us are.  It's ok to not know where this is going and where you will fit into the overall picture.  For now allow yourself to grieve the world that was.  Let out the tears, make allies of your fears.  Once you have done that take stock of the beauty that remains in the world and in yourself.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle


Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Striking a Balance

Greetings all,

I hope you and your loved ones are staying safe.  I have been more vocal as of late, but have been doing live casts on Facebook in order to air my thoughts.  Some lovely lady made the meme of something I said and thus the picture here at the top.  The sad thing is that this is what people will see on my professional page when they click on the blog link.  Still if they want fake love and light sentiments I am probably not the professional for them.  When I love you, it's more than just a surface emotion.

So let us take stock. We are in the middle of history.  Technically we always are, but only sometimes are we aware of it.  I have found it hard to remain stable and centered in the past few weeks.  The first  week when I was laid off (temporarily...most likely) from one of my teaching jobs I was not able to do much of anything.  I have rebounded a little, but some days I just drift through the day.  Social media has been both a blessing and a curse in this time.  It keeps me able to chat with many friends, but also I see the horrors again and again in the newsfeeds.

Hope is important, but I also feel like right now people are misusing it to try and not feel the grief of what we are going through.  People are dying and more will die yet.  The social fabric of our lives has  been torn asunder.  Here in the U.S. we have been given a hard lesson of just how vulnerable the majority of us are to disaster, and how little our representatives and leaders have our backs.  The lie of the land is that we are a place of opportunity,  I have seen three different responses one on the white lighter end of the spectrum and the other being on the conspiracy theory end of things.  Then there are those who are in denial.

So on the white light side of things you have folks saying this is all part of the plan of ascension and transformation.  We're going to be entering some kind of Golden Age where everyone stops being dicks, and loves one another.  For a Golden Age it sure is starting off with a lot of greed and blood.  Now I do think that this is a turning point in history, but I don't think the outcome is set in stone.  Will we change our ways and how we organize our society to take care of our brothers and sisters?  Will we begin to let the Earth heal?  I hope so, but if we do it will take collective action not just prayer and affirmations.  We have to be willing to face where we've allowed our own selfishness and apathy to contribute to the calamities of the world. We also have to be willing to change our own behavior and expectations.  Everything is not going to be alright, some people are going to lose that which they love the most for whatever world emerges out of this.  If we want to honor them and give that loss meaning, then we best be willing to act and hold people accountable.  Like it says in the meme, "Love and Light are not condoms."  They don't protect us from our own actions or inactions.

Now on the other side of this we have the doomsayers.  The illuminati preachers, the 5G apocalypsers, and the anti-vaxxer syndicate.  I will say this.  Conspiracies aren't that intricate, all you have to do is follow the money.  Really the culprits for this abominable response to a global crisis are not hard to spot.  I don't need to name them, if you can't figure out who they are you're not smart enough to understand this post.  I realize that was snarky, but my nerves are frayed.  Snarky is what I have left in the tank these days.  Posting these doom and gloom vast conspiracy plots online they seek to control the fear they feel by shoving it into a familiar compartment.  Just like the white lighters they are not committed to dealing with what is in front of them.

So that leaves us the deniers.  These folks always downplay things.  The climate is not changing, and even if it is we're not to blame.  Even if we are to blame, we can't do anything about it.  If we could do something about it then the economy would be ruined.  Oddly enough these old arguments have just been substituted for the virus.  It's not that serious.  Well it's not serious except for old people or sick people.  It's just like the flu.  It's better that some people die rather than ruining the economy.  I don't know how to explain to people that they should care that their actions can inadvertently kill someone.  Maybe not someone they know, but someone who matters to somebody.  Maybe it comes from having a culture of disposability.  We throw so much out right after we're done with it. I think that we've  over the years started to see people the same way.  When they serve no more use for us, we just dispose of them.

Why am I telling you this?  Well I find that expressing myself seems to be my way of dealing with the fear that the current crisis evokes.  I also want to impress upon you how much your actions in this time matter. The failings of our society are being exposed in high contrast.  We will have a narrow window to act to change things for the better, but that change is not guaranteed without our continued efforts.  It is easy to be sucked into the black holes of denial, fantasized spiritual optimism, or the web of conspiracies.  It is much more difficult to stand centered in who we are, and choose who we want to be in this pivotal moment.  Make no mistake this is a fulcrum of history, but even if we do change for the better it will still be a tragedy.  It will be a tragedy because we could have decided to do better without having so many people die.  We could have averted much of the coming suffering if we realized earlier that our own well being is intrinsically linked to everyone's well being.

How about you?  Are you balancing between trying to maintain hope amidst crisis while acknowledging the fear and grief?  Are you giving your power to false idols with pie in the sky philosophies?  Are you sure that you and you alone know the true movers and players in this world wide game of Risk?  Well slow down there slick, maybe you just need to sit with your feelings and have a good cry in the shower.  When you're done call one of your friends and check up on them, because right now the one thing we can do (and absolutely should do) is be kind.  If nothing else let us learn that our actions towards others have consequences, and that we should weigh those carefully.   Welcome to the new world, please treat it and each other well.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle