Thursday, September 22, 2022

The Falling of Leaves


Greetings all,

When I wrote my first post this year way back in January I didn't know when I would write again.  I've had quite a few ups and a lot more downs. I also stated that I was putting my efforts towards my fiction, and I have been.  That has been the shining light for me this year.  I have over 60,000 words written so far.  I've been building worlds and I like it. Still the past few years for me have been years of continual loss combined with a lack of in person community.  This has taken a toll on my mental and physical health and grief has been my constant companion.

Today is the equinox ushering in autumn in the Northern hemisphere and spring in the lands below the equator. Fall brings in such a mix of feelings and memories for me.  It is at this time when I seem to miss people the most. I long for deep meaningful companionship and closeness. I delight in the colors of the season, but also mourn the loss of the green world. Holiday season begins in the fall and with that everything that comes with it. What I have noticed in me this summer is all that is still broken, and what may always be broken in myself and in the world.  That is a daunting realization. What if things don't get better?  What if I fail? What if this is as good as it gets? When we come against those questions we can feel crushed.  We live in a society that values winners, that rewards specialness, and that tells us only those that triumph deserve love and respect. It is deep and pernicious programming. It is difficult to fathom how much love we've withheld from ourselves and others because we didn't think it was earned yet.

As you can see my musings have been dark of late.  It is why I haven't been writing them down. It is terrible from a marketing perspective. I mean I've got magic I should be able to fix anything right?  I've often said if magic could solve all of your problems I wouldn't have any. You can't simply magic away feelings of not being enough. I like everybody struggle with feelings of unworthiness.  It is baked into our culture. 

Amidst all this I keep coming back to the same questions: how will I respond, what do I want my life to be about, what do I want to leave in my wake? All of this I put into my drumming ceremony for the equinox. Normally after I welcome the directions I do several rounds of drumming, the first is for gratitude, and then one to build energy, and finally the third to carry the prayers for myself and my community. This time I did one long round of drumming.  I asked to release the grief as the trees release their leaves, that tears nourish us like the rain nourishes and renews the land.  I asked that beauty be left in my wake. I asked for support. I asked for love and fellowship.  I asked for peace.  I asked for a path. I drummed and I walked the circle. I saw runes in the sticks on the ground, and one in particular kept forming, laguz. 

For me laguz is about the bond of love between people. It is the support and nourishment we receive from nature as it is the rune of water, but it is also the nourishment we receive from fellowship. Other than our material needs for sustenance and shelter this need is paramount to life. We are not solitary creatures. Love is the sun that lights our lives. As the darker months approach and the external sun fades we need that fellowship and closeness to warm our hearts and minds as the bitter winds begin to blow. 

When the world is uncertain I turn to ceremony to stabilize myself and my energy. I've drummed at the quarters of the year for a decade, and I've done a weekly rattling and prayer ceremony for almost as long. Sometimes I come away from them feeling better, sometimes I just come away from them.  It is the commitment and rhythm of them over time that does the work, that helps, and in the process helps others. Ceremony was the first psychological technology, it led to religion and systems of belief, but the foundation of it was in organizing the mind and body. It brought coherence to thought and action. It gave meaning to our place in the world and the seasons. The world is complex, but there are powerful simplicities within it as well. We are complex beings, but we are also simple in our needs. We require sustenance, shelter, safety, belonging, and meaning. These are our needs. The shape they take on changes from person to person and from one society to another, but it is the truth of being human that these needs must be met to find peace and contentment.

As I drove home from my ceremony in the park today, I noticed the changing light. I saw the trees still mostly holding onto their veil of green. I felt them in a way I hadn't for a while, as if they were whispering. As if the wind moving through them was singing a song to those who had the ears to hear it. There was a sense of mutual recognition, a greeting of old friends. For me kinship with the green and growing things was enough to bring a temporary respite, a fragile peace. In these days I take what I can get even if it is ephemeral. 

What about you? Is the changing season whispering words to you through the falling leaves? Are the winds stirring memories in the forest of your heart? Does Grace flow down the streams of your life blood? If you are feeling untethered go to the trees. Walk among their shade. Sit beside their roots. Greet them as dear friends. Do a kindness, and as they do themselves let go of your old leaves.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Tuesday, January 4, 2022



Greetings all,

Happy New Year!  I recently got a message with a generous donation thanking me for my videos and my blog.  I was surprised as I didn't think anyone was reading my blog anymore.   For six years I put out weekly posts, and then I lost my drive. I'm not going to recommit to a weekly post. I am putting my efforts in writing elsewhere these days, but it is a good idea to occasionally share my thoughts.  The weekly posts began as a way to deal with my own internal thoughts and feelings. It was transformative in that aspect, but it also helped me develop my voice as an author. Which leads me to what I want to talk to you about.

I've been working on my 2nd book for the last 3 years.  I have now laid that one aside. Fear not, I haven't stopped writing, and I may yet revisit that book. Over the pandemic I have read a lot of books, and more importantly I have gotten back in touch with my desire to tell stories  Long before I wrote my first book I wrote fiction. At one point I even tried to write an epic fantasy novel with a friend. I look back on it now and think how bad that writing was. Well during my seclusion I revisited a seed of an idea I had, a world of my own that had a visual language similar to my artwork (although done much better of course). I called it Mistfall, it had been a hazy dream of an idea, until it wasn't. I have written 4 or 5 pieces set in it, and these will be part of a collection that I will publish at some point. 

I've been back to in person classes since the middle of the summer, and one thing I noticed was how much less time I spent writing. I had over 2020 fallen into very unstructured uses of time.  I had so much of it being isolated at home  I could be loose with it and still get lots done.  The past few months has seen a stalling of progress on all my creative fronts.  So I finally decided to structure in time for specific projects. Just like I have hours on the calendar for my classes and events, I now have hours blocked off for writing every week. Now when I get stuck on a scene I have to play around with it at least during the time allotted. Since I put down scheduled writing time I have finished 2 stories and begun a 3rd. Seeing how well this worked I've also put down scheduled time for meditation on the calendar, and I am getting more of that in as well. 

Self care or creative work was always being pushed back or put off. The thing is I need that to be able to succeed. If I want my business to succeed I need time to tend to my own passions and see to my own mental/physical health. I'm only a few weeks into this, and already I see where I need to schedule other times for leisure and rest. I like so many of us have gotten lulled into thinking that rest is something you do after achievement like a reward. The truth is rest is crucial for achievement. I had been depriving myself of it and my achievement went down not up. Currently I feel much better than I have in a while. I am resting more and getting more done. 

Why am I telling you this? Well, structure matters. If we haven't been seeing to our needs or meeting our goals, odds are that we don't have a structure that supports them. In many cases, the existing structure (or lack of one) is leading us to the exact opposite of what we want in our lives. We find time for what matters to us. If we put it down on our schedules we are more likely to prioritize it and stand firm with our boundaries with other people. Trust me other people will test you on this, but if you have a 1-2PM appointment for writing, all you have to tell people is that you have a standing appointment.  If you need more rest or mindfulness put a half hour nap or meditation on your schedule 4-5 days a week. If your appointment is with you and your couch honor it the same as you would a doctor's appointment.  Structure can be your friend if you shape it that way.

So how about you? Are you scheduling time for your needs and goals? Are you putting your own needs last? Do you let people talk you out of the time you need for yourself? If so maybe you need to get out your calendar and block off some time. People don't need to know what you appointment is or who it is with. They may press back at first, but stay firm. Over time they will adapt and you will feel better. Which will make the time you do give to them more meaningful.

Peace & Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Monday, December 6, 2021

What We Miss


Greetings all,

The end of the year draws near.  Holiday season is in full swing.  The cold and dark can be challenging and the holidays while they lift some up, for many they serve as a reminder of what is missing in their lives.  We often see what has yet to be healed, and perhaps what can never be again. 

I tend to get down around the holidays. This springs from several things: a bit of seasonal depression, missing people who have passed away,  the weird tendency to compare my holiday experience to social norms, and the stress of having to put on a happy face or be called Scrooge or the Grinch.

To those that may be in similar positions forced to play a parody of 'merry' let me give you permission to tell the joy police to go fuck right off. You are not obligated to be happy on their timetable or be festive just because it is what they want. You are you, your feelings matter even the ones you prefer not to feel.  We cannot ignore the darkness around us or within us. When we do, no amount of decorating or holiday lights will brighten our hearts. 

To those of you who are estranged from loved ones, I understand. The Mooneagle is no stranger to the chasms that can grow between souls.  What I have learned about myself in recent days may help you navigate, or at least help you to not call your ex.  I find at certain times I miss people, or miss the time when we still cared for one another.  This goes for even some of the most whackadoo crazy abusive or exploitative relationships.  I have to come to see that it is not the person I am missing, it is myself.  I miss the person I was when I still loved them. I miss the ease of not having to be on guard from them.  I miss the innocence of my own heart.  

How about you? Are you struggling in the 'most wonderful time of the year'? Is your weary heart ready to have a lie down until spring? Do you find yourself exhausted for the loves you have lost? As we journey further into the darkness, let us not lose ourselves by looking for the others we have lost.  Let us instead call back our loving hearts.  Let us find the selves we have lost or buried with the past. Let us find the innocence lost in the darkness and gently take its hand and carry it back with us into the returning light. 

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Self Inflicted Care


Greetings all,

I've been pondering over this post for almost a week.  Rather than spewing weekly blogs out, I'm waiting until I have something constructive to say.  Well I've been struggling with the seemingly never ending pandemic and all that entails.  I'm back to teaching in person, but I'm not yet eligible for a booster so I've been stressed. I've also struggled with self worth, and valuing my own work.

Dark times can magnify wounds in ourselves that we haven't healed or addressed.  The pandemic has shone a spotlight on mine with most of my distractions being unavailable.  (Yes I avoid and spiritual bypass with the best of them).  Specifically I've been feeling the wounds around being worthy.  Given this time between time I still find myself dwelling in, I have decided to do my best to practice some self care. 

I use my mesa for prayer ceremonies for my community and Patreon supporters, and I also use it for session work with clients.  I often forget that I can use it for working on myself.  Like many people I forget that I can give to myself.  It isn't any more difficult than doing it for others.  The difficulty is the mental block of setting aside time for myself, where a lot of subconscious programming sees it as somehow selfish or unproductive (yay more internalized capitalism...grrr).  I mustered through those internal voices of dissent and did the thing anyways.  

What you see in the picture above is not the work I did for myself.  The picture was the weekly prayer ceremony,  minus the stones and inner cloth of the mesa.  It was doing work for me and wasn't finished in time for the Friday ceremony.  So I improvised using just the outer cloth and some things from the office, whilst my inner cloth and stones were cooking on the issue back at home.  It was kind of a big deal to put myself first and not dismantle the self care I had going on to do my service work the way I always did it.  I still showed up, still sent Spirit gratitude, set up an altar, shook my rattle, and said prayers for my community.  What I didn't do was sabotage my own work by rushing it and demanding I show up in exact the same way.  I'd like to make self care and healing work more of a habit where I give myself the same level of consideration that I give to my clients when we're in session.

Why am I telling you this? Well how many times have you damaged yourself just so you can show up in the exact same way for everyone else around you? How many times have you made yourself sick just because you don't feel like you can slow down, rest, and recuperate?  How many times have you said yes to another obligation, even though you were past the point of exhaustion? I'm not saying to throw out all your responsibilities, but what I am saying is that perhaps don't add anything more to them when you haven't taken care of your responsibility for your own needs. 

As we in the Northern Hemisphere Head further into the dark and cold months it is important that we rest more.  It is important that we value our own being enough to give ourselves what we need, despite all the cultural programming we are bombarded with.  We cannot show up for others if we never show up for ourselves, so my darlings take care of yourselves.

Peace & Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Friday, August 27, 2021

Heart Fatigue


Greetings all,

Wow I can't believe I'm writing another post so soon. I also can't believe that I used to do this weekly, while working part time, teaching, and running my own healing practice. Just thinking about what I used to do makes me exhausted. Although exhaustion seems to be a way of life these days.

I don't know about you but I am chronically tired. The pandemic has stretched me to my limit and beyond. I spent nearly all of 2020 isolating, and the first half of 2021 as well.  I began teaching in person classes at the beginning of July, right at the start of the Delta surge.  As part of my contract, I have to avoid gatherings of 10 people or more.  Some of my social groups have been having parties this summer,  but if I want to be able to teach I have to stay isolated.  I was hoping to travel towards the end of the summer, but that is not going to happen.  I was hoping to finally get to visit my grandmother's grave, but again that will probably not happen for another least.  Every activity that I would use to renew myself has basically been removed from the field in order to protect myself and those around me. In the meantime, I have observed so many people flaunt the slightest restriction.  They simply can't mask to save someone else's life, because it is uncomfortable. They don't want a vaccine, because they think they'll be fine.  So I continue to watch the circle of my life shrink. I goto work, aware that it is a risk, but really I can't just sit at home either. I am anxious constantly because I don't know who is being careful. I watch as the death tolls rise again, and I just can't seem to care.

I have caught myself thinking lately that we should just let people die.  They have chosen to not protect themselves and by extension everyone else around them. Some of them have verbally belittled those of us who took this crisis seriously.  Others have even done so much as to cough in people's faces just to 'own the snowflakes' (this actually happened to someone I know). I have friends that work in healthcare and they are beyond exhausted, and yet there is no end in sight.  I have family members that have been living with pain because they've had to put off medical treatment for a year and are now having to delay it yet again. So at what point do we just stop caring about those who have been abusive, selfish, and have actively endangered everyone around them? Why are we working so hard to save people that won't do anything to save themselves or others? 

I know that this is wrong. This is not in line with spiritual teachings or at least my current understanding of them. My heart is tired, it is broken, and it despairs. We keep coddling those that would do us all harm and because of this many of our needs can't be met.  Our lives and dreams keep having to be postponed.  

Why am I telling you this?  I know it doesn't paint me in a good light, but it's what I'm feeling.  I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. We're all going through a prolonged traumatic experience, and have been gaslit the whole time by a subset of society. Those that are currently overwhelming our healthcare system were perpetuators of this trauma.  Is it any wonder that we are having trouble mustering up compassion for those that have caused so much collective suffering? Is it surprising we can't seem to have tender feelings or soothing words for those that  said "Fuck your feelings:?

How about you?  Are you finding yourself exhausted?  Are you too tired to care?  Are you succumbing to cold logic/? Have you become numb to the numbers? If so know that you are not alone.  We are all suffering from compassion fatigue. We are all stretched too thin.  Spend your kindness budget on yourself and your loved ones.  Stay safe and healthy.  Take care of each other, because that is how we find our way through this.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Saturday, August 21, 2021

The Big Con


Greetings all,

I hope you've had a stellar summer so far. It is so very strange to compare last summer with this one. We were in the early days of the pandemic.  Many of us were working from home or out of work. We didn't yet have a vaccine, and I never thought when we did get one we'd have to beg folks to take it. The conspiracy theorists were busy back then and for the most part they still are today.  

The more things change though, the more they stay the same.  It seems as though we are living in the age of conspiracies.  I should know better by now than to read the comment sections on the internet, but I just can't seem to help it.  Now I freely admit that I'm kind of out there on the fringes of shared reality.  My paradigm is weird.  I make no bones about it, but I also agree that there is such a thing as a consensual reality or if you will shared reality. The last few years have showed me just how grounded in that shared dream we call reality I actually happen to be. I do my best to not break reality when I do 'my thing' just nudge it at the edges where it is a bit frayed. This makes me sound a bit less confident than some, but it also leaves me way less open to scams.

This of course leads me to the interactions of the past week.  Let me set the scene for you: Instagram a new follower messages me. It starts with a hello.  I respond with a simple hi.  The conversation now begun he responds with a "Hello brother", and I am quite sure this man is not in any way related to me. I am already getting a vibe, the spiritual bro vibe to be exact. As I have little patience for fake spiritual sentiment I skipped the pleasantries and asked "What can I do for you?" I was then presented with a golden opportunity to join the illustrious enlightened society of the Illuminati.  They offered me fame, riches, and the ability to become as they put it part of the elite.  At this point my bullshit detector slid from the orange all the way into the red.  I responded with truth which was that I had no interest in fame. (Mooneagle likes his privacy and ability to vanish at will). Then they asked what about riches.  I told them that I had serious doubts that they could deliver such a result and if they did that the price they'd ask is not something I would be comfortable paying.  I also quoted the law of equivalent exchange from the anime show Fullmetal Alchemist.  I was disappointed when they missed the reference. Seriously if you're going to double down on nonsense you best get some good fictional source material. Well they responded that they didn't want anything.  Then they went back to the original pitch of rich and famous, and I'm like seriously read the room dude  I don't want fame.  They were hooked though, I had spoken with them and used multiple sentences. Who knows how many folks go this far before blocking.  I could tell he was getting frustrated though so I thought I'd give him an easy out and I told him that I was sorry but my soul was already under contract. They still didn't disengage though and tried to convince me that I wouldn't be selling my soul.  My last retort was that they didn't have a very good business model, I mean they are offering the world and not getting anything in return.  I just don't see that as sustainable.

Now the funny thing about this story or at least one of the funny things is that when I have told a few folks about this interaction they have expressed concern that the Illuminati might take offense and come after me. My response is that I will just ask Lara Croft to take care of them for me, and they're like Tomb Raider isn't real.  Which is exactly my point. A couple things to know about this encounter: one if the Illuminati exist I highly doubt they extend invitations over Instagram, two even if they did this guy did not look like the poster boy for the wealthy elite of the world, and three the grammar of the invite suggested that it was all being pumped through a free translation app. You may ask why did I waste time speaking with this poor fool, the answer is simple, I was bored.  This was complete bull from the get go, but I was curious as to what the pitch would be.  I'm still waiting on that, plus I figured if they are focused on me maybe that is time they can't spend on someone gullible enough to fall for this.  Also the vindictive tricksy part of me really wants to get into their heads and mess with them.  

So why am I telling you this?  Well we all have a need to believe in something.  Depending on our personality and circumstances we can be more or less vulnerable to folks that prey on people with a bit too much magical thinking.  I have no sympathy for guru grifters and metaphysical snake oil salesmen.  I work hard on doing actual mystical shit, while they get rich and wreck people selling empty dreams. There is magic in the world. It can be wonderful.  It can be terrible.  It can be wielded by those with pure hearts, but it can also be wielded by those with selfish hearts. There are leaders of cults that are simply charismatic, but there are also those with actual psychic abilities.  The most dangerous ones are those that are a mix of both.

How about you?  Have you been offered a chest of dreams only to find plastic baubles? Have you given over yourself to a facade of spiritual stagecraft? Have you seen the costumed healers hawking miracles? Real magic can change yourself and even a bit of the world you inhabit, but you have to see what is actually in front of you first. Conspiracy theories do the opposite, they try to convince you that what you see before you is not actually what is going on. In that way they function like a curse trapping you in a hall of distorted mirrors. Take a deep breath, pick up a hammer, and smash that mirror. 

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Friday, July 9, 2021

Dystopian Fatigue


Greetings all,

Welcome back to my musings.  It's been a bit.  I have been writing just not here.  Mostly I've been writing fiction.  I've been creating my own little world and peopling it with stories.  It's something I've always wanted to do.  Years ago I had a writing partner and we were going to create an epic fantasy, which as I look back on seems ridiculous.  I had no long fiction experience nor any in collaborative writing.  I'm pretty good at short fiction, and this time around that is where I've been playing.  After months of writing I have almost produced two complete drafts as well as created a world in which these stories take place.  So imagine my surprise when I was alerted to a contest for short fiction writing.  There was just one catch, it had to be a work of dystopian fiction.

I am at a point in my life where I am sick of dystopian worlds, post apocalyptic settings. and all otherwise world ending storytelling devices.  It has become a very popular genre, and while there is a lot you can do with it in social commentary I think it is safe to say that it's all been said.  I'm really quite tired of the end of the world in fiction.  Perhaps it became less interesting as I realized that we are living in our own dystopian society. I mean we check all the boxes: pandemic, environmental destruction, rampant injustice and inequality, religious intolerance, unsustainable/predatory economics, and genocide.  Did I miss anything? At this point it is the opposite of imaginative to create tales of woe and hopelessness.  

I get it, write what you know.  They tell you that all the time.  Still at what point does it just get stale?  Ah yes another fascist society on the brink of destruction due to insert calamity here, where those in power have created a caste/economic system, and crack down on insert group of oppressed people here.  For those tales that also charter the downfall of said fascist regime it is also equally unimaginative, as well as inaccurate.  At this point I doubt we'd be able to overthrow our corporate masters in violent revolution.  I'm also not sure even if we could that we should go that route. I mean I get the appeal of wanting to build guillotines, and shoot billionaires off into space to slowly suffocate. (Of course in our world they do it to themselves so I say let them and just charge them an exorbitant reentry fee). Personally I can't see how we'd ever throw off the shackles of oppression when so many folks still benefit from the system, or where the propaganda is so well entrenched into they psyche of the citizens.  

So why am I telling you this?  Well I have no interest in participating in creating more dystopian literature. I feel like the original intent of the genre was to serve as a warning to us to be careful of what principles we let rule our power structures.  These days it seems more like normalization or bench mark so we can say, "Yeah it's hopeless but at least we're not living in that universe." I am not all Pollyanna either, my stories are not all sweetest and light.  Hell my first one involves human trafficking.  Still the place I aim to create is a world of wonder, there may be sorrow but there is also great joy and beauty.  In any case I want to feed my mind and soul a diet of hope rather than one of resignation. Our world is worth saving, and so are we.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle