Summer Rants

Greetings all,

I hope your week was fruitful.  I had an eventful one with the summer solstice falling on Thursday.  It meant for a second ceremony this week beyond my Friday prayers.

This week for me was all about self care.  I'd hit the wall as far as tiredness goes.  I have obligations that are usually easy to meet, a weekly prayer ceremony and quarterly drumming (sometimes accompanied by despacho).  I didn't know how I was going to be able to show up and be effective.  So I asked for what I wanted.  I took a meditation break in the afternoon rather than heading to the store to get flowers and other despacho supplies.  I was ready to let go of doing the despacho ceremony, but other people agreed to step in and bring what I needed.  I was glad that I went ahead and included it as part of the solstice ceremony, but I am equally glad that I honored my individual needs and delegated some of the tasks.

Lately when people have asked me how I have been I have one word that describes it,  tired.  You'd be surprised how often that response is ridiculed or down played.  I've been helping with caregiving this past month for not one but two relatives while trying to continue my normal work activities.  The reality of it is that I have one relative who is in the process of dying, the other  has a long recovery from a serious surgical procedure.  So my fatigue is both physical and emotional.  I haven't been able to follow up with self care like meditation, and plain old sleeping to recuperate. Amidst this I've had people say things like, "Well no one ever died from lack of sleep," , or this, "You don't have kids how can you be tired?", or my personal favorite, "You can sleep when you're dead."  Let me respond to those statements by saying, "Fuck you and may thousands of voracious fleas infest your genitals!"  I'm sorry that was inappropriate, maybe I'm just a bit emotional, maybe it's because I'm FUCKING TIRED!

I don't know who started the Cult of the Perpetually Exhausted, but I hope they died in a horrific accident caused by their sleep deprivation.  Now sleep isn't the only form of rest sometimes just sitting quietly with no plans or expectations can be wonderful.  For some reason our society has waged a war against being well rested.  If we aren't on the go and being productive we are deemed weak or lazy.  The go till you drop mindset has infected our workplaces and we even carry that into into our personal lives overcommitting to events and activities.  There are times when you do have to put in extra effort and push past limits, but in times past you'd expect to rest afterwards.  These days it is just onto the next overpacked scheduled task.

So why am I telling you this?  Well I've had less patience for people lately so I do apologize.  It's become taboo to take care of our own needs.  Good intelligent people actually feel guilty for taking any amount of time to rest.  This cannot stand.  Lack of rest and downtime might not immediately kill you (unless you operate heavy machinery regularly), but it does suck the life out of living.  I am lucky that usually my schedule is fairly flexible, but many of us don't have that option and no matter what people say it is slowly killing us.

How about you?  Are you a card carrying cult member?  Are you at war with getting rest?  Do you put your physical needs for downtime on the sidelines?  If you do, you're not alone.  Many of us have this habit, and like any habit we can change it with a little effort and consistency.  If others have unrealistic expectations for you, tell them.  I mean somebody should.  Think of it as doing them a favor, maybe they'll start to tend to their own needs a bit better.  So I hope this missive finds you well and well rested.  Take a summer nap and think of me.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

My face

Greetings all,

I may actually get my blog post out on time this week.  I feel so accomplished.

Well this week I was at my lowest I've been in many years mentally and physically.  I was exhausted in my body and in my heart.  A lot of people think that life doesn't happen to me because I'm all magical and mysterious.  That of course is complete bullshit.  I have the same struggles and challenges that everyone does (plus a few others that come with being 'special').  What I have been dealing with lately is the decline of a grandparent and the convalescence of a parent. That has been the backdrop to some longstanding interaction patterns that are unhealthy and in some cases toxic in my family.  You know what they say if you think you're enlightened go spend a week with your family.

In times of stress we don't think clearly.  Well at least I don't.  It is easy to shut down and become fixated on the current dilemma.  For me it is like a script in my head telling me what's going on and where it will lead.  Normally there is some balance with that, but in certain instances it is like our brains get stuck on the same station and for some reason they are playing the same bad song over and over.  The thing that I have noticed is that the voice dictating the script in my head has been repeating other people's projections of me (or if we want to get real technical my perception of their projections).  What was alarming about this projection was it was wearing my face, and masquerading as my identity.  I had internalized these projections true or not, and now they were ruling the roost.   So Mr. False Face was reading my internal dialog and it was pretty nihilistic.  So sometimes I forget that I have tools.  Luckily I also have many allies, and some are very persistent with getting my attention.  Long story short, I went to see my power animal and they shook me loose a bit.   After that journey I still had that inner monologue in my head, but I now had other counterpoint voices saying things like,  "I don't think that's true,"  or "Well that's not helpful at all," or  "You only think they think that about you, odds are that's not right."

Yes I have voices in my head.  I talk to myself, sometimes I crack myself up too.  I was telling another practitioner that was working on me that having multiple voices in my head was far preferable to having just one.  One voice makes it very easy to obsess and get stuck in an unhealthy idea.  To quote a favorite show of mine, "A delusion starts out like any other idea."  Having multiple inner voices actually helps me to hold more than one perspective.  This is a useful skill if you are giving intuitive readings, but it is also useful tool in general for discernment.  In this middle world we have to discern truth from lies, balance from imbalance, and love from fear.  We have to be able to examine our own thoughts, and having multiple points of view in your own head is a great start.

So why am I telling you this?  Well many of you may have noticed that I haven't been on my stride the last few weeks, or that my posts have been sort of morose.  This happens, sometimes life knocks us down.  The important thing is to find a way to get back up, or ask for a hand.  It is easy to obsess over what is not right in our lives or what is 'wrong' with us (or someone else).  It's okay to have those thoughts, but you probably don't want to have them on continuous playback.

How about you?  Do you have a monolithic voice dictating your identity and circumstances to you?  Is the voice kind?  Is the voice helpful?  Is it accurate?  Does it wear your face, but seem to act like a past authority figure you've encountered?  What if we opened up the internal forum for more voices of reason and feeling?  None of us are just one thing, so why should one voice speak for our psyche?  In the coming weeks encourage your various voices to speak up.  You might be surprised to find that what you thought was you, is really a masked figure from your past.  Thank them for their input and then pass the microphone.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Reflections

Greetings all,

I hope you had a great first week of June.  I've been kept busy between assisting family members with caregiving this week and also officiating a wedding.  However I did get out one evening to see a movie with friends and that was wonderful.

This morning as I was teaching my Tai Chi class I had an interesting experience.  The fitness room that I teach in has mirrored walls on two sides of the room.  One of those walls has doors leading to a supply closet  They were not quite latched so the mirrors were slightly eschew.  Now as I led class toward that wall I noticed I had no reflection showing, due to the angle of the doors.  I was seeing all the students but not myself.  This struck me as very strong metaphor.  

Often we don't see ourselves, only those around us.  For me personally I've struggled a lot throughout my life in envisioning a positive future for myself.  Having no reflection showing in front of me was a clear reminder that this is still an issue for me.  I got used to not looking too far ahead or making plans beyond the next project.  I don't see myself on the path before me.  That is of course one interpretation of this coincidence.  Another could be that none of us really see ourselves only the people around us, and it is through their actions that we form our self image.  Sometimes though we don't even want to look at ourselves, afraid of what we might find there.

There comes a point in life where many of us settle for just getting by, because the way our society is structured makes that very difficult.  Not all dreams should come to fruition, but there are deep yearnings in our hearts that when we deny them, we die a little.  I'm not talking of dreams of huge homes and fancy cars.  I'm speaking of how we live, relate to each other, and how we spend the bulk of our time.  Why do we accept so much less?  Is it because we don't think we deserve what our heart longs for?  Is it because we think we cannot have it?  Is it because we are afraid that if we get what we want we'll still be unhappy and it is better to not risk the disappointment?

I do apologize this post is not exactly up lifting.  Still even in darker musings there can be some wisdom and value to be found.  I have found that living through hard times has made me get very specific about what I don't want, which makes it easier to seek out what I do.  I hope that your time in the shadow land is brief, and that you learn something to your advantage while you are moving through it.  While you are there it can be tempting to just focus on getting through, but try if you can to envision where you want to come out of the tunnel.  Beyond pain there is more than just relief, there is laughter, joy, and love...always love.  I wish for all of that for you.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Holding the Self

Greetings all,

I hope you are doing well.  I know this post is several days late.  Be thankful there is one at all.  The post is late because I've been overwhelmed lately.

So there has been some health issues in my family and I am stepping in a bit more to help out.  This has left me tired both physically and mentally.  At the same time it seems people in my social sphere are all going through some rough patches.  Last month I was feeling grief for the past quite acutely.  It has not left me, but I am currently also dealing with current issues.  In times such as these where things must get done, I tend to unplug emotionally.  It seems to be the way that I can cope with demands on my energy.  This does of course make me less receptive to holding space for others when they are feeling tender.

I don't think I am unique in this.  We all tend to dissociate from time to time if we feel things are too intense for us to handle and function, or we have  breakdown.  I've had those but only on the inside.  I kept plugging along on my have to do list whilst I quietly freaked out behind my eyes.  So in the past 2 weeks I've been less empathetic than I normally tend to be.  I've not had the energy.  I've come to a place where no matter what I do somebody is going to be super pissed and project their struggle onto me.  I can't help that.  I started to worry over it, and it was just more to carry.  So I stopped and put it down.  I realized I couldn't hold space for anyone else right now but myself.  This had nothing to do with any personal flaw or being a bad person.

Why am I telling you this?  Well there are times when we just don't have it to give of ourselves.  All we can do is hold ourselves gently up and acknowledge our limits without judgment.  We can't be all things all the time, nor should we.  Compassion starts with the self even when we can't show up the we think we should for others.

How about you?  Are you burned out from your own trauma, but expecting yourself to help others process theirs?  Are you past exhaustion but piling more duties on your plate?  Do you give yourself the space to hold your own feelings in compassion, or do you just do that for others?  Well at some point you will stop, and in my experience it is better if you make that choice consciously rather than having it made for you.  Be gentle with yourself, and forgive yourself.  Those around you will do so in their own time.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Underway

Greetings all,

I hope you are doing well.  This week like most has been full of ups and downs.  Despite the downs I am moving full steam ahead to set things up for the summer.  I will be on the road in August.  As part of my deal with myself to try and go someplace I've never been each year,  I'll be passing through some places in Wisconsin and Minnesota.  I will also end up in Thunder Bay, Ontario, because this eagle is about to go international.

How do you like my first shot at a DVD cover?  Personally I'd like those triangles a little longer, more isosceles and less equilateral. Still it isn't bad for just playing around.  I'm working on my first professional instructional DVD and I will be teaching workshops on the road.  For whatever reason this week I've just been knocking out tasks one after another.  I spent so many years wishing for things to change, to have my chance, and now it feels like it is happening.  The difference between now and then is how I act on things.

I remember years ago when the movie "The Secret" came out.  Like many people I was in a desperate space and wanted to manifest my dreams.  The formula was be grateful, visualize, and release.  Sounds simple and I don't want to knock that, being able to envision the life you want is important.  What so many of us leave out of it is taking steps towards that life.  Acting is scary, it forces us into places where we aren't comfortable.  It forces us to change up what we are doing.  For someone like me who wants reassurance that where I am going and what I am doing is going to work out, that's a big challenge.  I've learned though you have to start with or without that guarantee and though things rarely go to plan they usually take me where I need to be.  I'm still working on the where I want to be part.  My road twists and turns taking me to places I never anticipated and I'm the better for it.

I officially started my business about 8 years ago.  I wish I had known the things I know now back then, but that's life.  You learn as you go.  Here are some of things I picked up along the way.  The biggest thing is to just start.  Try not to get too narrowly focused (ah my old nemesis tunnel vision).  When people ask you if you do something that is bigger than what you currently do instead of saying no, say not yet.  Find a way to reach people that matches your interaction style rather than trying to force yourself into a standard marketing practice.  When you have an idea write it down before you forget it (because you will).  Write and write often to develop your personal voice.   Go out and have fun, because it is important for your well being, but all also because you may meet potential clients or experts that you need.

So why am I telling you all this?  Well the energy these days seems to be stirred up, and we might as well make use of it.  Dreaming is fine, but don't dream too long or you may find you've slept your life away.  Wishing is fine, but it needs to be the force that drives your decisions and plans rather than an empty ideal.  It's empowering to bring your ideas to life, so even if the big goals seem impossible start with some of the little ones that point in that direction.  I'm still far off from what I wished for years ago, but I'm closer today than I was then.

How about you?  Are you stuck where you are?  Have you let your dreams fizzle into half faded wishes?  Are you taking steps to bring your vision to life?  Are you paying attention to opportunities around you that may move you along?  Are you limiting yourself?  Well if you are I'd like to encourage you to get out and try something.  You don't have the bet the farm your first time out, but you can always start somewhere.  We're all underway to somewhere, and while we may not be in complete control we do have some ability to steer.  Try making use of it.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

What We Carry

Greetings all,

I hope you had an enjoyable week.  This week has been chock full of events and preparation.  Last weekend I had the Louisville Spiritualists Center's event, where I helped set up and organize the healers.  This week I was prepping for the Mighty Kindness and my monthly local chapter meeting for the Monroe Institute.  By now you'd think I'd learn that I don't have to bring everything that I do to a festival or event, but don't I try every time.

These last few weeks I've been so emotional.  Past relationships have been on my mind, those that ended either by estrangement or death.  The relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind has been my relationship with self.  There's been moments where I've let all self judgments and shame drop away, and in those all too brief times it feels just phenomenal to be me.  In those all too fleeting moments I feel so light like I could float right off the ground.  It's only with the contrast of those gifted flashes of Grace that I realize how much mental/emotional weight I am carrying around.

The truth is I have not been very kind to myself.  I've been bullied, ignored, or disrespected so much that it barely registers anymore.  It takes something big to get my attention.  This numbing has been a primary coping mechanism, but it hasn't kept the pain out.  It has normalized and then internalized it.  That critical voice of authority from long ago now speaks in my own tones inside my head.  I've been dragging these heavy burdens with me everywhere, it's no wonder I find so many things challenging.  I've begun to think though that if I have accomplished what I have in spite of those internal torments and the chains I've been pulling along, what could I do if I found a way to set all of that aside and only carried myself.

It sounds simple, but like most simple things it isn't easy.  We often internalize what we hear repeated over and over, especially if it was something we heard a lot of when we were kids.  We come to believe what others say about us must be true.  This is because we are social creatures, and in society what gets mirrored back to us forms our self image.  Things like meditation help us to disassociate from that often false and distorted image.  It can take time though, because most of that image is unconsciously generated.  I'll give you an example, when I was around 14 or so I had someone I looked up to say that unless I was very handy or made lots of money nobody would ever love me.  This person was very near and dear to my heart at the time.  (14 year olds are not very discerning with who gets access to their self image).  I went through adolescence believing that, hell up through my 20s and most of my 30s.  Guess who is still single?  Now of course I know on a rational level that statement is complete bullshit, but on a subconscious level I obviously still put stock in it.  It's why I put up with people treating me like a nonperson.  That's just one belief that did a lot of damage because instead of deciding that person was awful I continued to invest in them.  I took on that burden to carry instead of carrying myself away from their influence.

Why am I telling you this?  Well I have found that many of the problems we have boil down to us carrying around someone else's judgment of ourselves until we believe it is our own.  Their assessment becomes our reality.  We become disconnected to who we are, instead we strive to be good enough to snuff out that judgement, but it is always there in the corners of our psyche, a slow and subtle poison that steals our joy.  "I'm not ____ enough.  No one could ever love me.  I'm not worthy.  Good things are for others. I'll never get over this."  There is your starter pack of lies for a cursed life.

So in the coming weeks I ask that you look at how you treat yourself.  What is it you believe about yourself?  Does it come from your personal experience or is it someone else's view that you have internalized?  What if you were to see yourself in your own truth?  What if the lies we tell ourselves were to fall away?  What would you be then?  What would you feel like?  What would your life be like?  I hope that we all set down our burdens, maybe then we can all fly somewhere together.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Mama Mia

Greetings all,

Happy Mothers's Day, here's a flower for you.

I have memories from a very young age.  I remember being bathed in the kitchen sink at dusk by my mother.  I was probably two years old at the time.  My very first memory was my mother driving me home from her mother's house.  There are countless thoughtful deeds she has done for me.  There are also times where she missed the mark and wounded me deeply as we all do to the ones we love from time to time. There are also times where I've been ungrateful, thoughtless, and downright unfeeling.  Such is the nature of family.

The primal bond between mothers and their children is the most powerful force there is in nature.  I've seen it both break and cast curses.  Quite simply the relationship you have with your mother will color all of your other relationships.   For most of us it is a complicated relationship.  When we pass into adulthood it can be difficult for both children and mothers to adapt to the new status.  We can become trapped into the roles we wore growing up.  Now that works both ways, adult children can also expect their parents to be the same all powerful figures from their childhood.  That's assuming there was no trauma or abuse which opens up a whole new set of complications.

Mother's Day can be hard for many reasons.  Maybe you've lost your mother to death.  Maybe your relationship was abusive and toxic.  Maybe you never knew your mother.  Holidays bring out our  wounds that haven't healed.  As we move forward in our life we have to look after ourselves, we become our own mothers and fathers.  If we can't heal our connection to our biological parents, we can work to heal our inner parental archetypes.

So why am I telling you this?  Just like us, our mothers carried their own wounds and traumas.  Many of them did the very best they could working through their pain to be there for us.  Maybe yours did good by you or maybe she didn't.  At this time it is good to acknowledge those around us that have mothered us and others.  Not all mothers are related to us.  Wherever I go I seem to encounter the energies of the Mother and the Grandmother, whether it is in the feel of the shade of trees or in the people I meet.  There are those that care for me with that same tenderness I have been blessed to experience.  So I try to judge less and love more.

How about you?  What's your relationship status with your mother or her memory?  Are you carrying the old hurts around with you everywhere, or have you managed to salve the wounds of the past?  Do you value those among us that take care of others?  Do you value your own role as caregiver?  Cut the mothers in your life some slack, and if you're a mother cut yourself some slack too.  Mother needs her consideration as much as her children.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle