Heart Fatigue

 

Greetings all,

Wow I can't believe I'm writing another post so soon. I also can't believe that I used to do this weekly, while working part time, teaching, and running my own healing practice. Just thinking about what I used to do makes me exhausted. Although exhaustion seems to be a way of life these days.

I don't know about you but I am chronically tired. The pandemic has stretched me to my limit and beyond. I spent nearly all of 2020 isolating, and the first half of 2021 as well.  I began teaching in person classes at the beginning of July, right at the start of the Delta surge.  As part of my contract, I have to avoid gatherings of 10 people or more.  Some of my social groups have been having parties this summer,  but if I want to be able to teach I have to stay isolated.  I was hoping to travel towards the end of the summer, but that is not going to happen.  I was hoping to finally get to visit my grandmother's grave, but again that will probably not happen for another year...at least.  Every activity that I would use to renew myself has basically been removed from the field in order to protect myself and those around me. In the meantime, I have observed so many people flaunt the slightest restriction.  They simply can't mask to save someone else's life, because it is uncomfortable. They don't want a vaccine, because they think they'll be fine.  So I continue to watch the circle of my life shrink. I goto work, aware that it is a risk, but really I can't just sit at home either. I am anxious constantly because I don't know who is being careful. I watch as the death tolls rise again, and I just can't seem to care.

I have caught myself thinking lately that we should just let people die.  They have chosen to not protect themselves and by extension everyone else around them. Some of them have verbally belittled those of us who took this crisis seriously.  Others have even done so much as to cough in people's faces just to 'own the snowflakes' (this actually happened to someone I know). I have friends that work in healthcare and they are beyond exhausted, and yet there is no end in sight.  I have family members that have been living with pain because they've had to put off medical treatment for a year and are now having to delay it yet again. So at what point do we just stop caring about those who have been abusive, selfish, and have actively endangered everyone around them? Why are we working so hard to save people that won't do anything to save themselves or others? 

I know that this is wrong. This is not in line with spiritual teachings or at least my current understanding of them. My heart is tired, it is broken, and it despairs. We keep coddling those that would do us all harm and because of this many of our needs can't be met.  Our lives and dreams keep having to be postponed.  

Why am I telling you this?  I know it doesn't paint me in a good light, but it's what I'm feeling.  I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. We're all going through a prolonged traumatic experience, and have been gaslit the whole time by a subset of society. Those that are currently overwhelming our healthcare system were perpetuators of this trauma.  Is it any wonder that we are having trouble mustering up compassion for those that have caused so much collective suffering? Is it surprising we can't seem to have tender feelings or soothing words for those that  said "Fuck your feelings:?

How about you?  Are you finding yourself exhausted?  Are you too tired to care?  Are you succumbing to cold logic/? Have you become numb to the numbers? If so know that you are not alone.  We are all suffering from compassion fatigue. We are all stretched too thin.  Spend your kindness budget on yourself and your loved ones.  Stay safe and healthy.  Take care of each other, because that is how we find our way through this.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle