Holding Pattern

Greetings all,

I am still here.  I hope you are persisting against the odds in these very challenging times.  I find myself looking back a lot lately.  Summer nostalgia is usually at its strongest after the midpoint, but this year it seems even stronger.

I find myself thinking of people who are no longer in my life.  Some of them have died, some of them I have parted ways with.  It's funny that I am missing the people lately that I parted with on poor terms.  It's not that I want them back in my life, just that the times when we did get along were good and the smell of the season makes me long for those simpler times.  I'm not so far removed from those times to remember that I wanted to escape those moments into a different future.  The trap of memory is that we can picture things either better than they were or worse than they ever were.  The truth is that each time in our life is a mix of good and bad.  The same holds true for relationships.

For many years, I hung onto anger for the people who had hurt me even long after they were gone from my life.  At first, I did this as a way to not be fooled into letting them back into my life.  The anger was a shield to keep their energies at bay.  Empathy can be an Achilles heel, and I found that anger was a good way for me to declare and enforce boundaries.  I still think it has its uses, but not for the longterm.  Holding the pattern of anger or hatred for years is exhausting.  I'll be honest with you guys I have hated a bunch of people.  I did this because it made it easier to stay angry with them and push them away.  I needed to keep them away because they abused and hurt me, repeatedly.  Now, I am wanting to open my heart again to new possibilities, to new hopes and dreams.  I don't think I can do that until I lay that old anger and hatred aside.  I want to, but I am also afraid that without it I won't have that shield for those people who would hurt me again if given the chance.  (Yes they would do that, which is why I banished them from my life).  I have started saying to myself, " I don't hate them, I just don't trust them."  That alone is a huge step for me.  

Why am I telling you this?  Well it came out of a conversation I was having with a friend online about  how to hold someone accountable, but not have to carry the emotional weight of the hurt they caused.  I'd like to honor the good that came from those relationships, but I also don't want any of those fuckers back in my life.  I'm certain that most of you have experienced something like this.  I also know that like me many of you are starving for social interaction.  Maybe you are thinking of reaching out to that old toxic person from your past just so that you have someone else  to talk about the good old days.  I just have one thing to say to you , "DON'T DO IT!" Don't repeat my mistake of allowing people who don't treat you right back into your circle just so you can avoid the pain of being alone. If you're that lonely, talk to me.  Seriously I am as stir crazy as the next person, you'd be doing me a favor.  

So how about you?  How are you navigating relationships in these strange days?  Are you reminiscing more?  Are you looking at the past through colored lenses?  Inventorying our past is useful as long as we are being truthful about it, and not emphasizing either the good or the bad over the other.  Are you holding onto old hurts so that you can hold onto your boundaries?  Maybe it is time to set those feelings aside while keeping your boundaries.   Maybe it is time that we love ourselves enough so that we don't need to hold onto hurt in order to take care of ourselves.  Maybe when we're done loving ourselves, we can share that love with those who will honor us.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle