Control Freak

Greetings all,

Well today has been exciting!  I drove up to Cincinnati to speak at the Victory of Light Expo.  Up and back in one day is quite a little trip.  I was surprised to see a line for my talk, pleasantly surprised and then of course I thought, "I probably should have prepared a bit more for this."  The thing is it is about a topic I know well.  For me it is always about the Q & A, that's when I really loosen up and bring up my knowledge base; it seems like I don't know what I know until I am asked a question.

All that aside, the past few weeks I've come to a few realizations about myself and how I move through the world.  The big issue coming down the pipeline has been CONTROL.  I just seem to have this addiction to it.  As I have been noticing my posts on Facebook and the comment wars that have gone on this past year (to little effect except a smaller friend list and larger block list), I notice that I am really wanting to control people's experiences.  Now this isn't just about political disagreements, most times it is about how people experience me.  I fret over how people are going to receive my services.  I want them to have a "good" experience, or more likely I really want to blow their socks off.  I want them to have an enjoyable experience so that they'll tell their friends and I'll have more clients, which means more people's experiences to worry over.  The thing is I am not in control.  I never have been, I sometimes just mistakenly think that I am.

This freaking out about control extends out into everything. Changing plans can really throw a wrench into my internal state.  Hiccups, detours, and outright wrong turns can quickly lead me down a dark mental path.  The irony is the more I try to control situations or other people, the less self control I seem to be able to muster.  This is a long time issue for me.  For years I just sort of floated along and didn't do much as far as directing my life.  I had tried making plans before and they were always smashed into a million pieces.  So after a point I stopped looking ahead, I stopped making plans at all.  In some ways it was freeing, but it was also a trap.  I wasn't getting anywhere.  So I started to try and "direct" things.   This worked only slightly better than floating along.  Now I find myself blocking what could come because I want to control how it shows up.  What to do?  Just going along with everything didn't vastly improve my life, and trying to micromanage just makes me crazy and exhausted.   I need a reset.

So recently I started watching a show called "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency."  It is bizarre, it is out there and kooky, and so of course I'm in love with it.  The wacky coincidences and insane bending of probabilities to serve story and the characters is just what I needed.  So I have been thinking I need to cultivate a bit of Dirk's outlook.  His main idea is that the universe will take him where he needs to go.  I have begun reminding myself, "The universe will take me where I need to go."  Today it took me to the lost and found because I had left my phone on the podium at my lecture.  Why it took me there, I don't know, but I must have needed to go there.  The thing is this way of operating is not so different as to how I approach session work.  When someone works with me they may have an idea of what they want to focus on, and we may indeed go right to that.  However many times I am led off in a completely different direction.  This happens all the time so much so that I have said, "I promise you I can deliver weird, other than that we'll have to see about."  That doesn't mean I don't address what people are wanting or needing, it just means that I am open to going someplace else.  I love when a session takes an unexpected turn, it really comes alive for me then. 

So why am I telling you this?  Well do you have a death grip on the wheel of your life?  Are you so busy trying to manage everyone and their experience that there is no room for joy for yourself?  Are you driving yourself  crazy trying to keep things rolling along according to plan?  Well sunshine, join the club and take a number because we all need help with this one.  What if you had goals rather than plans?  What if you allowed some space in your plans for flexibility and room to breathe?  What if you developed that perfect synergy of responding to life's serendipitous treats, and charting your course?  So basically have a plan, but be open to what life is showing you.  Don't be afraid to reroute and take in a few of the scenic loops.  If you start to think you finally have things under control, it may be time to step away from the wheel, because in my experience that's when the car is about to go over a cliff.  Buckle up my friends, because things are about to get weird.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle