I Have Doubts

Greetings all,

It has been a busy week.  Between my normal responsibilities I also took part in a podcast, taught my first chi kung workshop in a salt cave, joined a local potters' association, and saw clients.  I'll admit it I slept in late today.  I needed a slow day.

I often say I have been perfecting the art of failure for years.  I think I finally got that part as good as it will ever get.  Now I am working on perfecting the art of success.  To others it can seem like I've suddenly just started working a lot and opportunities just keep cropping up.  Some people have even harbored some jealousy at my "sudden" good fortune.  What they don't know is that I've spent over a decade struggling to do my work and have it support me.  I've put in hundreds of unpaid hours honing what I do.  As far as teaching goes, the only thing I'm currently teaching I have practiced for literally half my life.  So it comes as a surprise to many that I still harbor doubts about my abilities.

I've read for people since I was 14 years old and professionally since I was 24.  I still get nervous before every single reading.  I still doubt that I'll be able to tune in easily or completely.  Yes I've done it for longer than I have anything else, but somehow in my mind every time someone walks in or phones I worry that this will be the time that I can't do it.  The strength of this doubt ebbs and flows from barely negligent to almost crippling.  Thankfully most of you never could tell that during your reading.  So I am letting you in on the big secret, I doubt myself and my abilities constantly.  I'm not going to stop either.

I had a conversation with another practitioner a week or two ago who was suffering from doubt.  Within the context of that discussion I came to a realization.  I don't want to lose my doubt.  Here's why, when you possess absolute certainty on any topic you can learn nothing more about it.  There is no room for more information, contradictory information, or even a suggestion for further thought.  That's it case closed, nothing to see here people move along.  Religious fundamentalists boast absolute certainty of a wide range of topics, hell they'd even kill over most of them as we see time and again.  So no I'm keeping my doubts.  However,  I don't want to be stuck with a crippling amount of self doubts, because I'm a busy fellow and need to get some things done.  I do want a healthy amount of doubt.  Enough doubt so that I am open to learning something new or finding out when I'm wrong so I can improve, while simultaneously retaining enough confidence to practice my crafts in a more relaxed manner.  What is a healthy level of doubt?  Is it 40%, is it 25%, or maybe even 10%, I'm not sure.  The answer may vary depending on you and what it is you do.

So what about you?  How much do you doubt yourself?  How much does it interfere with your life?  Maybe you don't entertain enough doubt, maybe you're stagnating in your own certainty.  Only you can answer these questions (or possibly your significant other or close friends can shed some light here).  Whatever level of doubt you have, what if you started looking at it as something that could be helpful if it is balanced.  Imagine what level of doubt in the areas of your life is healthy for you?  Run those numbers by me in the comments.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle