Musings

Musings

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Fate and Consequence

Greetings all,

Happy fall to all my friends in the Northern hemisphere.  We've had a lot of turbulent energy in the past few weeks and many of us have felt it.  The equinoxes are gateways in the year from one season to another.  They are also balance points so I am hoping that we will begin to reorient and ground ourselves in the season to come.

I had been feeling under the weather this week, but as Spirit promised me in the early summer things have picked up quite a bit for my healing practise.  Fate, with her sense of humor, timed it for when I was feeling at my lowest energy wise.  This could have been cruel if looked at in one light, but I choose to see it differently.  I have been repeatedly told when I worry about not being good enough for the work I do that I need to remember that I'm not the one doing it.  I am the one allowing it to come through.  My job is to honor my spiritual obligations, prepare my own energies, and keep the space as well as follow directions.  This week that is all I had energy to do.  If I had tried to "run" the sessions I wouldn't have been able to.  My healing sessions this week have been just as powerful (if not more so) then when I have been at full strength.  I think this was to reinforce to me that this is not about personal power and never has been.  This is all about maintaining relationship with Spirit.  I am not the planner of sessions, I'm not even the doer, I am merely the facilitator.  I assist and respond to people's questions and concerns.

None of this was clearer than in Thursday's autumnal equinox drumming ceremony.  I had been fighting off getting sick with only a partially successful effort.  Still I teach and swim on Thursdays.  After my professional and physical training obligations were met I didn't know that I had it to drum.  Still I had a commitment to Spirit that must be honored as well.  So I knew even if it wasn't vigorous drumming I would show up for it.  Once again the power of showing up to honor a promise was demonstrated.  I called a good friend and we met at a local park where I have drummed a few times.  We set up the space and slowly began to drum.  As I sent out the prayers for those on my Mesa prayer list and my Year of Transformation participants, I also asked for healing of my own heart and opening more into the vibration of love.  It was after that when I looked down and noticed for the first time the chalk art that children had left all around the covered pavilion where we had set up.




Again this was completely unplanned.  I had felt so inadequate because I hadn't scheduled everything out nor had I set a place for the drumming ahead of the day.  Yet clearly I ended up in the exact space I was supposed to be in.  Sometimes I think Fate and Coyote make wagers on me.  In this case I'm not sure who won, but I feel like I got the better of the deal.  If this were the end of the story we could just call it coincidence, but wait there is indeed more.  I had started the day teaching my Tai Chi class outside.  During the class a beautiful Monarch butterfly fluttered past towards the west.  As we began the drum ceremony (across town mind you) a Monarch once again flew past headed into the west.  West just happens to be the direction of autumn on the medicine wheel.  I also had an encounter with a cricket who had perched upon my gym bag that morning and I took that as a lucky sign.  Still for the skeptics out there I have the final nail in the coffin for doubt.  Earlier in the week someone shared with me an article on this equinox, it was about the Goddess Kali.  She is a fierce deity that can shake you to your core.  Having felt like I had been shaken past my core the past few months I was not happy.  I actually asked maybe she could do her work this time with love maybe even enjoyably.  Well my doubters check this out.


That's right she was there in chalk in the circle.  I didn't notice until after we began.  Take that myth busters!  Notice that the I is dotted with a heart.  I asked for that two days before.  BLAM!  So despite having zero energy and feeling like I was going to collapse going into ceremony we drummed for a good twenty minutes at least.  It wasn't all just a slow beat either.  The tempo increased on its own and by the end I was dancing.  There might just be something to all this magic stuff.

So at this place and time of power what doubts do you still hold?  What do you not believe you can achieve or receive?  Are you afraid to ask for what you need?  Why not ask anyways the worst that can happen is that you are refused.  However if you don't ask you will never get it.  I admit I was shuffled around by Fate this week, and I am kind of glad.  I couldn't have planned it better if I had tried.  So try asking and trusting a bit just for a little while you can always try something else later.  In the meantime welcome to the next quarter of the year.  I hope that it will bring your heart what you truly need.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle


Sunday, September 18, 2016

Sand Castles

Greetings all,

I hope you've have a good week.  I have been doing better weathering the storm of extreme energy tides.  This is due in great part to the wonderful people who offered support and prayers to help me find my footing.

Illusions surround us every moment of the day.  For the most part we go about our lives without seeing the chaotic swirls that surround our every action.  We as bipedal creatures come very close to falling with every single step we take.  We have literally trillions of chemical reactions taking place within our bodies on a daily basis which all must be perfectly timed and in harmony with each other to keep us alive.  For those of us lucky enough to own homes, we trust that the earth beneath us is stable and the winds of the world will blow gently.  All that we depend upon can be overturned in moments by the forces of nature or the chaotic forces within our own species.

Most of us ignore this fact.  We carry some insurance to shore up the imbalances of fate and circumstance.  I have been lucky.  I am not lucky due to any superior ability with cards or dice.  Fortune doesn't shower me with gold from the heavens.  I am lucky for the most part because of what I haven't had happen.  I was born into a middle class family in a country that is not in a war zone.  I have never gone hungry.  I have not been subject to constant violence.  I have been only a few car accidents and none of those were injury accidents (to which I am continually grateful to my legion of traffic angels).  I have a space to lay my head.  No one tried to abuse me as a child growing up, and my parents are still a couple after several decades of marriage.

As I become older and hopefully wiser, I can see just how lucky I have been.  When I was seriously ill years ago I had the support of family and at the time really good health insurance.  As I see more people in my practice I realize just how fragile the weave of our lives can be.  A simple accident or meeting the wrong person at the wrong time can shake us to our core.  People currently look at me now and think just how strong and sure I seem.  I'm really not.  I am acutely aware that everything I have built in the past decade is a castle built on sand.  The tides could turn at any moment or the earth could shake and all I have built will be just a memory.

When the energies I feel around myself and the world at large start to buck and rock I too am afraid.  I like many Americans have probably less than stellar health insurance, even a minor accident or issue could cause immense destruction in my life and the life of my family.  I rely on the blessings that I have received to continue living and building a better life.  The sands could shift though and I just have to trust that the universe will take care of me.  Trust is not something that comes easy to me.  It is hard for me to open up to others and trust them, or to trust that things will work out alright.  You'd think I would have a different perspective given that my holistic practices are focused on bringing in support for others.  Still I have that trust gap when it comes to my own needs and my own life.  It is something I must grow into, because I am truly in the hands of Fate every hour of every day.

So why do I bring this up?  Well the energies of late have stirred a lot of this primal shadow energy up from the depths, not just for myself but for all of us.  Many of us are feeling very vulnerable right now, especially those of us that practice some form of awareness expansion.  Enlightenment is not for wimps.  It will shake you until you surrender.  It will sometimes make you wish you had pushed the snooze alarm on the cosmic wake up call.  For mine is not the only castle built of sand.  We are all on the shore and the tides of life are coming in.  One day we will be swept out to the great sea into the beyond.  Until that time though we must build our little castles and be grateful for them.  As I have watched the sands of life run out for various loved ones this year, I have felt the bittersweetness of the world.  We are here together and by some miracle we find each other and weave lives all the while knowing that each thread we weave together will one day be ripped from our looms.  It takes great courage to continue our work and our lives.  So for today I will be grateful for what remains to me.  I will work to make my castle wonderful and inviting until the day the surf comes to take it back into the sea.  So for those of you who have watched the castles of your life fall as the sand shifts beneath it, I offer you my love.  That is the only thing that is not sand in this life.  Love endures beyond all form and even its memory continues to move through us into the world.  Honor what you have, and honor those you love.  In another time and another place we may yet sit together building castles of dreams without fear.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Riding the Lightning

Greetings all,

Another week has passed.  It has been in turns both wonderful and terrible.  I've reconnected with some folks I hadn't seen in a long time.  I also had a good week work wise, however my internal weather has been earthquakes and tidal forces pulling on my little fragile self, or what I have previously identified with as the self.

I have often counseled people to move slowly when doing deep inner work.   This goes for both energetic/magical work or more mundane forms of depth work.  There is often a "can do" or "more is better" attitude when it comes to "self improvement".  I'm beginning to think there is no self improvement, just coming into alignment with who we truly are.  Many spiritual traditions point to an all knowing and all powerful Creator who made us.  This idea competes with many societal and religious doctrines which tells us we are intrinsically flawed and must fix or improve ourselves in order to be worthy.  There in lies the success of the multibillion dollar cosmetic and diet industry.  To those of us that subscribe to a belief in a creator deity I pose this question, why do you think an all powerful all knowing being made a mistake when they made you?  To those of us who subscribe to a more scientific materialism model I ask, "Can over a billion years of evolution be wrong?"

I emailed my support group of shamanic practitioners only to find that many of them have also been experiencing this shakiness and feeling of things crumbling.  I had worried that I had moved too fast, and tripped down the lightning path for a bit.  I've done that before, it's been a good five years since I have and it only took about a year or so to recover from the last misstep.  This impatience with ourselves and trying to be more and better can cause us to overload our circuits.  As we remove or replace core belief patterns it can feel like the house of our self is crashing down around us.  Our identity and sense of self is intertwined with both the authentic components of our identity and the false projections we've picked up from our culture, family, and belief systems.  When one thing moves the whole thing moves.  Think of a Jenga tower half way through a game.  Any piece you take out causes the whole tower to sway.  If you are into the game you get nervous, even though it is a false construct. It is the same with our self concepts and belief structures.

All that said right now myself and many others are being called on to embody more of our authentic nature, that which was created at the beginning either by evolution or a deity figure.  The world around us needs us for our innate attributes and not for what society has told us we have to offer.  We are the people we've been waiting for.  We are the light and the dark has been rising.  This sense of unease in myself is from my inner resistance from assuming and embodying more of that.  I like many of us lack faith in myself and doubt my worthiness on many levels.  The more inner resistance I have the worse that anxious feeling becomes.  As a spirit recently told me, "You don't believe in good dreams do you."  She was right I hope for things but don't really expect them.  This is something I must sort through, as power rises in me I must surrender to it.  I mustn't argue that the Universe is mistaken, and I am not fit to embody this.

So how does this apply to you?  Well do you feel lately that you're spinning out of control?  Are you wanting to make a course correction, but can't even get your bearings?  Are you stepping back into the shadows instead of forward into the light that you are?  Have a little patience, be gentle with yourself.  Consider the odds of you even existing in this moment in time, in the space that you do.  If there is a grand pattern to things, might you not be a part of it?  What if you just believe you belong here now in this world for its betterment?  What if you stopped wondering about worthiness and just took your existence as proof that you are?  What if you embraced the awesome power of your spirit?  What if instead of being struck by the lightning, you rode it down to earth?  So to sum up:  you are here, you matter, and you're worthy.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Monday, September 5, 2016

Atlas of Dreams

Greetings all,

I hope this holiday weekend finds you well.  This marks the traditional end of summer for most folks.  Labor day weekend used to be the last bit of summer vacation for school children.  Around here though the kids have been in school since mid August.  Things change.

For most of my life I have kept a record of my dreams.  I became interested in lucid dreaming when I was 13 and the first thing you're told to do is to write down your dreams.  For some this is very difficult, but for me it was easy.  For better or worse I have always had quite vivid dreams.  Fantasies of flying have felt so real and blissful, but on the flip side of that terror invoking visions have shaken me to my core.  Everything has its price.  While I have had a few instances of lucidity over the years it has been sparse, but I continue to write down my dreams to glean information and direction from them.  You'd be surprised of how much the conscious mind misses through the day.

At this point I have filled over half a dozen notebooks and journals with my night time wanderings.  As I look back over the years I can see changing patterns in my dreams.  I used to have a lot more fantasy elements in my teenage years.  I had the hero quest type dreams and escaping from danger and death dreams.  In my twenties I had more prophetic or psychic dreams.  These days the story book nature of my dreams ebbs and flows.  For weeks or months my dreams can be mostly mundane and then out of the blue they will turn once more to the mystic.  Lately I've found myself doing actual magical or healing work while asleep.  When I wake I know a part of it was real, as there is the aftertaste of magic in the air around the bed.  (Magic always has a very distinct feeling/smell to it for me).

As I said above my dream life can be a mixed blessing.  I sometimes awaken almost as tired as when I laid down to sleep.  I can walk very far and see sights that trouble me while I slumber.  The gift in these visions is clarity though.  Dreams have time and again offered me guidance, a nudge, or encouragement to embark on a path in my waking life.

Why am I telling you this?  Well all of us dream, even those that claim they don't.  Dreams and the symbols they use are powerful tools of transformation and self awareness.  They are provided to us free of charge each night, and when we pay attention they can even be used by spirit to reach out to us.  This gift is a common heritage we all share as human beings.  As we move into a new season often times our dream life will pick up.  It is a time of transition and there are power in those spaces.  So if you haven't been doing so keep a pad or notebook by the bed.  When you wake write down your meanderings through the night realms. If you can't remember just write how you feel in that moment of waking.  Over time your record will become a map of your spirit, an atlas of dreams.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Alchemy

Greetings all,

Last week I spoke of inertia, and this week has been about momentum.  Where once in my life I had long stretches of nothing and no one to occupy my time, this week has been full and rewarding with synchronicity and soulful doings.

Since I left retail at the beginning of the summer I have been rediscovering parts of myself.   You shut a lot of yourself down in certain work situations.  Retail certainly taught me humility, or maybe it was humiliation.  In either case it put me out in the public in a way that I wouldn't have been.  I can be kind of a hermit at times.  I have traded one form of public interaction for another though and now I am teaching and speaking in front of groups on a regular basis.  I'm not sure if the retail helped with that, but for my own peace of mind we'll just say that it did.

When I made the decision last week to get back into my clay work, I was immediately gifted with a fortuitous "coincidence".  Previously I had to drive to the next closest city an hour away to get supplies, but this weekend was the grand opening of a ceramics supply store right here in the center of town.  Sure it could just be random chance, but what are the odds that it would open the same exact week I began to get my hands dirty again in the studio?  I tend to suspect some magical agent was involved in this, or perhaps some precognition on my own part.

So I came back into my studio, confronted by months of neglect with difficult clay and found that it had stiffened further so slab building was impossible.  Quite simply it was too hard to be rolled out.  So I went to plan B which was to use my extruder (a giant size play dough fun factory for ceramics).  I literally had to punch the clay into shape so it would fit into the barrel of the extruder.  Due to the extreme toughness of the porcelain, when it came out of the barrel the tube bent and tore in crazy directions.  As an evolved being I took a breath and then exhaled, "FUUUUUCCKKKK!"  Then with that calming ritual completed, I cut the odd shapes loose from the equipment and set them aside.  After cutting them down a bit I began to see directions that I wouldn't have thought of pursuing without the initial imperfections.  I came out of it with three very unique pots which I then carved to enhance the forms that I co-created.


All of this came out of the difficulties I was having with my materials.  In the past some of my best work has come about due to problems I had to solve, or because I had leftover material that I didn't want to go to waste.  I often liked it better than what I had planned or envisioned.  This taking in of the current conditions and working with them to transform and create is the driving force of alchemy. Whether it is turning lead into gold or spinning air and space into a dense mound of clay it is a magical process.  It is challenging and fascinating and learning how to turn what comes our way into opportunity and blessings is part of the way of the alchemist.  Some things take a bit more thought, ingenuity,  and energy to transform than others, but the densest material often yields the most spectacular end results.  

So how about you?  What perceived negative situation or material can you rework into a golden opportunity?  What problem can be transmuted into a brilliant alchemical solution?  This is not the same as positive thinking, it is better, it is transformative thinking.  What if everything that arises around you could be used as a stepping stone to a major transformation?  What if what weighs you down could be decanted into fuel that would rocket you up to your shooting stars where you wishes and dreams dance?  It won't be easy, but if you can learn to work with what you are given then you will become the Alchemist, master of destiny, servant of the Divine, and you will hold dominion over the matter of your life.  Seems like a cool gig if you ask me.  Try it on for a bit and see what solutions rise to the surface of your life.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Inertia

Greetings all,

I hope you have had a relaxing week.  The first part of it I spent running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  I was trying to get around to visit everyone whilst I had a guest.  The summer is soon drawing to a close  and indeed today we've had some very mild weather, a taste of the days to come.  The greening time never seems to be long enough for me.  I like the arching hallways that the leafed trees form on the back roads and twisting lanes, but all seasons have their time.

This summer I haven't been as productive as in years past. I've barely traveled, and I have not made too many things.  This year I don't have the excuse of writing a book either, I'm on hiatus from that endeavor for a little bit.  I've been focused on promoting the book I've already published which is a job in and of itself.  I've focused a great deal on teaching and learning this past season.  As well as streamlining some of my business practices and online presence.  However I haven't touched clay in months.

For those of you who don't know, aside from my teaching and psychic life coaching and healing work, I am also an artist. Although I prefer to see myself as a maker of things.  It's part of what I love and yet it's been far too long since I really have done anything meaningful in my studio.  Making pieces has always been a struggle for me.  It takes a great deal of energy for me to bring a piece to life.  I've often said I've experienced every obstacle to making work you can think of.  I've had professors who used to publicly shame and humiliate me.  I've had apprenticeships in studios that closed.  I've had people back out of deals for firing work after they had fleeced me of labor.  I've had a kiln that never quite reached temperature.  I had a gallery that was never open so my work sat unseen, and a gallery that sold my work but then didn't pay me for it.  The last thing that happened was that there was a leak in basement which weakened the boxes my clay was stored in so that it became permeable to moisture. So now I am stuck with several hundred pounds of clay that is so stiff I can't work with it on the wheel.

I love creating and working in clay, but the idea of just getting started right now is exhausting.  For this reason I've let my supplies and equipment sit idle while I put my energies elsewhere.  Yet I am not happy about that.  As much as I love the healing work that I do, making things is part of who I am.  Without it I feel empty, like a part of me is missing.  I've just not had the energy or inspiration for the struggle to get things going again.  This has led me to feeling like a big failure.  The irony is that while I am typing this I am drinking tea from one of my own handmade mugs.

I have made some good work in the past, but I've also had a lot of heartbreak in the past few years.  I'm not one of those moody artists who gets more creative when they are down.  When I create it is from a space of expansion and joy.  Nothing kills my creativity so much as sorrow.  Amanda Palmer the singer/songwriter talks about this in a video preceding one of her songs.  She says she had only written 3 songs in 2 years because she had been depressed, and the worse thing was the expectation that as an artist she should be using that depression as fuel for her art and when she couldn't that made her depression even worse. (I'll link the video down below. Check her out because she is a goddess of creative energy).  So it gets me both ways.  Right now I'm at a crossroads of whether to give it all up or try again.

I've decided I am going to try again.  My several hundred pounds of clay that is too stiff to work with on a potter's wheel is still useable if I hand build with it.  This is something I've done almost none of, but maybe it is an opportunity to grow my skills and bring even more ideas to life through my hands.  I've been going through old ceramics magazines and watching how to videos on Youtube.  I'm starting to get inspired.  I've begun sketching and hoping and looking forward to working again.  I'm not quite ready to begin but I am feeding the fires, and refilling the well of inspiration.  It takes a bit to reach escape velocity when you've been held down by the inertia that life can sometime exert.  I know there will be challenges so I 'm trying to build my excitement until I just can't stand to wait to get into my studio.

So why am I telling you this?  Well we all have dreams that we set aside for a time.  Sometimes it is for legitimate reasons, but some of us never pick those dreams up again.  We think our time has passed, and it is too late to make any difference.  If this year has taught me anything it is that we must make use of our time before the sands of our life run out, because they will and then it will be too late.  We grow and we change, and sometimes old dreams are outgrown but our deep longings are always there with us.  For some it may be to learn to play an instrument so they can start a band with friends, others may want to learn to paint, others may want to write stories, or hike undiscovered trails in the far mountains.  We must honor our obligations and duties in life, but we must also reach for our dreams and expand our spirits.  We didn't come here just to make a living, we came here to make a life.  Those two ideas need not be exclusive to one another.  So pick up a pen, a brush, an instrument, or whatever implement you need for your dream.  You don't have to be amazing at it, you don't have to earn a living with it, but you do have to put your heart and soul into it.  Come on let's break through the inertial dampeners our past has placed on us, it will be more fun together.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle


Sunday, August 14, 2016

Guru Trap

Greetings all,

I've had an exhausting and rewarding week.  I've gotten to spend some time with friends seldom seen and that is always a good thing.  Today I slept in and rather than feeling guilty about it, I reveled in it.  Sleep well earned is a good thing.

As I have reimagined my website and refined its forms I have also been looking at the structure and challenges of my life more deeply.  My relationship to my ability, power, and reception of what I do has been at the forefront of my mind.  I feel I do good work, and yet I also feel I am holding myself back from doing even more powerful work.  So what exactly is the deal?

Well in the past when I have done service for people there have been times when they have basically given their power away.  They have placed me up on a pedestal as a savior, or some sort of special class of person, high above the teeming masses.  This is a very uncomfortable position to be in for me.  Most of the time I feel like so called "ordinary" people have it a lot more together than I do.  I have fears and insecurities too as many if not more so than the mainstream folks.  I worry (it's a family trait).  Beyond that, there is another reason why I may shy away from more showy manifestations.  I call it the Guru Trap.

Quite simply the Guru Trap is when you start to believe your own hype.  You think because you can do amazing things the rules of society just don't apply to you.  I've seen this with several masters in the field. They bring in astounding energies and have what I call a large special effects budget.  They warp reality around them.  Invariably they also fuck up their lives.  They have affairs with students or their assistants.  They get embroiled in lawsuits and feuds with other practitioners, or they misuse their influence over those that come to them for help.  A good part of me fears turning into that, and so I hold myself back.

Right now I am at a crossroads, I either stay small and have to find another means to support myself or I  must grow in what I allow my influence to be.  I like my work, I like helping people maneuver through life's challenges and thrive.  I am going to choose to grow, but I am left with the quandary about how to avoid the Guru Trap.  "The first step in avoiding a trap is knowing of its existence."  At least that is the case in the novel Dune.  Unfortunately that didn't seem to help Duke Leto.  Currently my only strategy is to rely on my friends to let me know if I turned into the self serving guru maniac. I also keep repeating to myself, "To whom much is given, much is expected."

So why does this matter to you?  I think a good many of us fear turning into an asshole so we don't step forward.  We are afraid of who we may become so we stagnate and turn back in on ourselves.  That which doesn't continue to grow decays.  So many of us feel worn out way before our time.  We disconnect with any larger purpose in our lives because we just can't let ourselves grow into that role. It doesn't have to be large public role either, it can be as normal as being a parent, a homeowner, or sober.  We ask who would we be and we assume that we would be that thing we fear.  Maybe we've looked at other role models and found their shine is tarnished when viewed up close, or maybe we've expected perfection.  Perhaps we think failing on a small scale is better than screwing up on a grander one.  In either case who are we to tell the universe, "No I'm sorry I think you have the wrong person for this mission.  You want someone taller with fewer personal flaws and insecurities."

What to do now?  Well instead of fearing what we might become what if we focus on what we'd like to be in the event that greatness is thrust upon us?  What if we learned from the failings of others and forged a different path?  What if we focused on using our growing gifts to serve the world and in turn let it serve us in kind?  When we focus on just ourselves we run the risk of being "that guy", but maybe if we focus on a larger self of community and world we may leap over the pitfall of the Guru Trap.  So try it with me, be a partner in growing because the world needs our best self and efforts.  Now is not the time to shrink back, now is the time to rise and serve.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle