Monday, January 27, 2020
First post of the year. I'm still trying to define my new relationship with this blog. Mostly I am waiting until I have something worthwhile to say, which is honestly not a weekly occurrence. If I hear myself speaking in loops or having a particularly juicy conversation with someone I may make a mental note to perhaps explore it here.
I had planned to write about the misconceptions of my work, but it seemed a bit self indulgent and whiny. I scrapped it and decided to write about what it takes to keep a Mooneagle in your life. I have labored under the impression that I am a difficult person to get along with. I'd like to say that this is not true, but I know I have my moments. I am temperamental, and when I finally make up my mind about something I can be pretty inflexible. I am weird and unlikely to fit in to most crowds or groups. I couldn't fit in if I tried, and believe me I have tried.
If you still want a Mooneagle like me in your life here's what I need. The first thing I need is your attention. As the last born in a family, I can tell you attention is key. The second thing I need is kindness. I really can't stress this one enough folks, kindness will get you just about anything. I remember kindness, I remember cruelty too, but that will get you a different kind of result. Acceptance is also non-negotiable. Yes I know I am not perfect (you should hear what my mind chatter says about me....bastard), but the more accepting you are the better I become. Also I like to be included in things, even if I can't make it, I'm always touched by an invitation.
There are a few things you probably should not do. Do not consider texting as quality interaction or support. Texts are for quick check ins and quick questions and answers. I require actual spoken language. Do not patronize what I do, it is not a hobby. I know it is strange and can seem exciting but I am not a magical mascot to be trounced out at parties for amusement. (Yes this actually has happened). I am an actual person with actual feelings, and my beliefs about spirit are no more ridiculous than anyone who believes in anything non-physical. That doesn't mean you have to believe what I believe, just don't be a dick about it.
Why am I telling you this? Well I read in the last few months from someone online that you shouldn't hang around with folks that make you feel like you are hard to love. I spent a lot of time in my earlier days with folks like that, foolishly running after folks begging them to love me. It has made me very insular. So I don't want to do that anymore. In listing out what I would like out of friends and relationships it gives me permission to see what I want and don't want. I don't think it is all that much to ask for.
What about you? Have you ever really listed what you actually need from your relationships? We so often waste time pondering whether we are good enough for someone else, only to fail to wonder if they are bringing anything to the table. Relationships are work, they take time and care. We should evaluate them to make sure they are nourishing us as well. We need to rid ourselves of the belief that we're lucky if anyone deigns to be a part of our life. We should be grateful for our loved ones, provided that they are in fact loving. So make your lists, and remember you have something of value to offer others, your time and your heart.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Yes I have been away. I thought I should get out one more post for the year before both it and the decade expire. This past year it feels like several years of experience rolled into one. I broke with my weekly blogging tradition as I turned inward. There are some things not meant for public eyes.
Someone once described life as a puzzle with no edge pieces and no picture on the box to look at. I tend to agree. One of the biggest errors I have made was comparing my puzzle to other people's. We all get different pieces, and what will fit together in one life will not in another. Life is also like a puzzle in the sense that you want to look at as many pieces as possible and sort them into what you're going to assemble first, usually the edge pieces, in real life basically finding out what we're not. Some folks go the opposite route and find out exactly who they are before finding what they aren't. Some never get far in either direction.
I myself don't really like doing the edge pieces. I like to pick a point that has distinction and assemble out from there. It is not the most efficient way to begin, but life is not always about efficiency. It would explain a lot about my path. I work on things, pulling together skills unsure of how it will all fit together in my life. Sometimes it doesn't or exists only as a reference point. At other times, years may pass before certain pieces join up to form a larger picture.
Lately I have been wondering if the puzzle I've been assembling is really the picture I thought it was. That can be a painful realization at least until something new comes together. Right now in the time between the solstice and the new year there is a bit of breathing space. The majority of the hustle and bustle of the season has passed. We are left with ourselves, the gifts we have given, and those we have received. So many people get sad this time of year because they have learned that these gifts rarely change our lives. It is the people around us that do that, as well as ourselves. Absences around a festive table are more keenly felt. There is a great dissonance in the artificial holiday feelings society tries to manufacture for us and the realities of our lives. We punish ourselves for not feeling those deep holiday sentiments. I spent my Christmas with family and close friends and we put together a puzzle. It wasn't anything extravagant, but we got to be with each other. I am at the point in my life where I know there is nothing that comes wrapped in any box that will gift me with joy. Joy will come from me and my relationships.
Why am I talking about puzzles? Well like I said, life is a kind of puzzle. Instead of being outside of it we're in it assembling it around ourselves. You have to step back and look at what the pieces are forming every so often or you end up going nowhere, slowly. Also like a puzzle you can't force pieces together that just don't fit. You end up breaking the pieces and possibly the whole picture if you do that. Raise your hand if you've ever tried to force something to work. (If your hand is not raised maybe you should check your honesty settings).
How about you? In this time between time, as the old year wanes and the new year and decade waits in the wings, are you assembling the puzzle pieces of life, or are you just puzzled? Do you know what really brings you joy? Do you know where you fit together and whom fits with you? If not this is a good time to reflect and sort your own pieces out. There is no picture to look at to shape the pieces only your inner vision. Don't bury your pain, let it point you to where you lack. From there you can hopefully chart a joyous course into a new year.
Friday, November 8, 2019
I hope your transition from autumn into more wintery weather is going smoothly. I've been toying around with some things that have come up in conversation and discussion with folks and thought that it would make a good topic to write about.
In spiritual communities there is a great amount of attention given to the idea of mastery. I myself have been caught up in it from time to time. From a young age I wanted to achieve some form of spiritual mastery. I built up quite an identity around being the "spiritual" one in the group. I wanted to transcend all my limitations and break free of my circumstances. It's not that I don't still want some of that, but I have come to realize that the idea of mastery that most people are looking for or talking about is bull shit.
I wanted to become a Master of Metaphysics in order to escape my problems. I even was able to do that with a few of the minor issues. The fly in the ointment was that this search for mastery and perfection wasn't solving my big problems (it actually created a fair number of big ones on its own), it was just an avoidance scheme. I was wanting to magic my problems away. Real magic doesn't work that way. It takes work and the way it changes things is by first changing you. Wanting the world to change around you while you stay exactly the same is 'magical thinking' which is not the same thing as magic.
The other problem with wanting to achieve mastery is that when you state that to the Universe as your intended desire it will deliver onto you many teachable moments. If you survive those (I emphasize the if) it will continue to shower upon thou most holy one, more and more of these opportunities. Which is why several years ago I decided this whole mastery idea was crazy. Maybe some folks are called to it, but I sure as hell am not one of them. I have instead adopted the idea of growth. I am no longer striving for mastery, only to be better than I was. I no longer petition to be a master, just to be part of the solution.
Why am I telling you this? Well I have had clients come to me looking to do the same thing as I was (the thing that almost put me in the ground prematurely). What I discovered from a few quick questions is that what they wanted was a solution to their problematic situation. The mastery track just looked like the quick fix or it was the, "I'm tired of all this crap and don't want to have to deal with the hassles of life but don't want to die therefore I should become an incarnate all powerful being." It's a bit extreme if you ask me, and most folks in a society tend to respond with either strait jackets or torches to deal with folks approaching that level.
So how about you? Are you focusing on spiritual perfection when you should be focusing on learning a problem solving skillset? Are you turning inwards, only to tune out the world? Are you looking towards becoming a shining avatar, while your issues sit festering in your unloved and unacknowledged shadow? Well maybe you should throw out the idea of mastery with the fad diet books that promise quick results without effort. If you are truly called to ascend beyond the personal self, well then go for it. Just make sure you aren't doing it in a mad dash to outrun your issues. They will catch up to you. You can't outrun your shadow, and should the focus of the light change it will be before you larger than ever. You don't have to be perfect, to be of service, to be worthy of love, or to justify your life. You just have to be you in the best way you can manage right now. Take it from one mastery drop out to another. You matter, just as you are.
Peace and Blessings,
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
I've been busy integrating and processing what I learned and experienced on my trip. It certainly helped me put into perspective some key points of my life that I would like to see change. It had been a number of years since I just let myself want anything other than the basics. When a desire did arise I had excuses for the way my life was run to turn away from it. Well, I have decided to go after what is drawing me. If there is an obstacle, I'm looking for solutions to overcome it or sidestep it.
I have several occupations. Apart from my holistic/shamanic practice, I also teach Tai Chi. That is my steady income (albeit not much). I love my students and I've come to enjoy teaching for the way it deepens my own practice as I seek to share it. So in the past it has mostly been a perceived lack of resources that has kept me from pursuing my dreams. This year I've set about changing that. My latest venture of creating a meditation album was a step in that direction, but I feel like Patreon will be a key part of helping me establish firm support.
For those of you who don't know. I launched a Patreon page where folks can support me for $5 a month. Patreon is a creative funding platform that many artists, musicians, and content creators (like Youtubers) go to help them create a community of supporters so that they can continue to create. I've adapted the model for some of my spiritual work. Since I do weekly ceremony I simply add my patrons on the site to my prayer list. I also wanted to do something that was just for them, so I've been doing a monthly teleconference where I do energy work for the group. It is kind of like a longer version of one my youtube videos, the difference being it is exclusively for my patrons.
At first the idea of adding another task to my monthly calendar seemed like a chore, but this month I really got into it. I love doing the conferences. They are giving me lots of idea for spin off projects and future albums. The only challenging part is scheduling amongst various timezones. So far I have a handful of patrons, but they are made up of friends and long time clients. I like this mode of interaction. Sometimes I won't hear from clients for months or years. Which says to me that I am doing good work and I have empowered them. It is nice to have this opportunity to connect with them on a regular basis, while simultaneously receiving support to help me further my dreams.
Like many people in the service focused entrepreneur field I am challenged between wanting to keep prices low so that I can help those who really need it, and making sure I am making enough to take care of myself. What good can I do if people can't afford my services? Conversely how can I continue to be of service if my needs aren't met? So I am really jazzed about my Patreon venture. It really hits both of those issues. I just have to build it up, but I am committed. I was stubborn enough to make my Youtube channel into something. It just took time.
Why am I telling you this? Well I hope you'll show up and support the Mooneagle on Patreon for one (link at the bottom of the post). Also it is important to reflect on support. Where we are receiving it and giving it as well. We do not exist in a vacuum. Human beings need each other. This shouldn't be seen as a weakness. It brings us together, and together we can accomplish much more than we ever could alone.
So in the coming weeks ask yourself if you feel supported. If not what do you need to feel supported? Start looking at ways for that support to show up in your world. Make sure your needs are met before you go around looking to gift yourself to others. If you find a way to do both simultaneously then dance a jig because a win win is always worth celebrating. When we support each other we all win. So until we meet again I hope that you have all that you need to thrive.
Peace and Blessings,
p.s. If you wish to support me on Patreon here is the link.
Friday, October 11, 2019
Well after my last post you may have wondered if I was gonna go off on a tear again. Fear not. I bring tidings of joy. I have returned from my travels renewed.
For those of you who don't know I went back to the Monroe Institute 2 weeks ago to take the Heartlines program. This was my 3rd program. I took the Gateway Voyage the entry level residential program back in 2014. It was 5 years and 10 lifetimes ago. My life has changed tremendously since then. I wrote a book, quit retail, changed teaching jobs twice, produced an album, had several loved ones pass away, and parted ways with other folks if not amicably then at least definitively. I took Guidelines in 2017 which pointed me to Heartlines as my next foray into Monroe programs.
Okay so I should probably give you guys a bit of background. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away there lived an ordinary man with extraordinary abilities. He could leave his body, without dying. (That's the trick really, I mean anyone can leave their body at least once, but to not die while doing so can be dicey for the average homo sapien). Once he realized he was not crazy he set out to study this phenomena and the field of consciousness. His name was Bob Monroe, hence the name of the institute. They use binaural entrainment and hemisphere synchronization to help people enter states of altered and expanded awareness. It's pretty nifty stuff, and right up the alley of someone like me. So that should give you enough background information to get the gist of my journey.
So their programs do have a sort of progression where you go into higher focus levels. So of course I was approaching this like a role playing game thinking each program was like leveling up my character. Heartlines is not in that linear progression, it does require the Gateway, but you can take it any order after that. I found out most folks save it for last. It is more about going within the heart and emotional body, instead of rocketing off into more ethereal realms. Yep folks are scared to go inside that dusty old heart. I was scared too. I found it intimidating, luckily for me many of my shamanic classes have felt like that so I am somewhat used to the feeling of, "Oh shit what have I gotten myself into?"
I can't tell you what we did, because this program comes with a spoiler warning. There are some things you have to go into blindly and this is one of them. I will say it helped me to open up more, to bond strongly with folks which has been hard for me to do in the past few years. It allowed me to accept love into my heart and to see where my blocks originated. (Hint, not in this lifetime). I also connected with a blue alien lover, secret lover mmmhmm. Beyond all this I realized that this program was the reason I went to Gateway in the first place, it was to get me here. Where is that exactly? It's the place where I reclaim my joy, my gifts, and my space. I am back and feistier than ever. So long status quo, so long probability, shit is about to get weird. Which is how I like it.
Why am I telling you all this? Well I sought renewal and I pursued it. I think too often in life we come to a place and think that our joy is gone for good. I am here to tell you that's horse shit. There is pain and suffering in this world, but there is also hope. If we keep trying there is always a possibility for a win. If we don't try the possibility dies in our lives. So commit to taking care of yourself. Take the journey, go within. It can be dark and scary in there so take some friends. Venture into the dark woods together, and never split the party! We are in this together. You are not alone.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, September 15, 2019
I should tell you a truth I've kept to myself about this blog. Six and a half years ago is when I really doubled down and made a commitment to write. One I kept up until this year and the passing of my last grandparent. I started the weekly writing assignment due to another loss in my life.
I've always been very indirect about writing about personal conflicts because I've never felt comfortable attacking or calling someone out on the internet, or making someone feel uncomfortable by having their business out there for all to see. So the identifying facts have often been obscured or omitted to protect the guilty and innocent alike. I've never opened up about why I started these part rants part confessionals, but that ends today.
Once upon a time.....
I had a friend, a good friend, and we did everything together. We were in business together, took trips together, and enriched each others' spiritual practices. It had been the longest running close friendship I'd had in my life. All told we were friends for almost nine years, and the first five or so of those years were fantastic. It really was a 50/50 deal. Somewhere along the way that shifted, it was gradual, so gradual I didn't realize it for a few years. It became more like 70/30. Still I didn't want to rock the boat because I had steady company for probably the first time ever, and if it wasn't as fulfilling for me and I had to put in more effort I was comfortable. By this time I had along with a group of folks been supporting this friend. We made sure they not only had food on their table but that their animals were also fed.
All this changed in 2012. That was a big year for me all around. I started an advanced shamanic initiation program that would go for 2 years, I rented my office, and my friend had a severe stroke. The 70/30 became 100/0. I operated out of crisis mode for a good 8 months. Along with a team of friends, the greater shamanic and metaphysical community, and my friends's reluctant family we were able to pull them back from the brink. I thought at the time we had saved their life, but I was wrong.
It wasn't long after one of their siblings took control of their care, that I noticed a steep decline. There were things that were done that didn't make sense. I thought my friend had started lying to me, it wasn't until later I realized they'd been lying for a while. This stung. I am not the most forthcoming person, but as I look back I never once lied to them. I did my best to keep it all together, but I kept hearing someone else's words come out of my friend. I felt like I was talking to a puppet and their family had their hands up their ass. When the dam broke it broke hard. A line was crossed that I couldn't ignore and I laid down some far overdue boundaries. I was informed that my services were no longer required. My former friend sent me a very hateful email and had one of their family members who was a lawyer draw up a friendship termination document. Yes, they legally informed me that my friendship was done.
To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. I felt like my world had imploded. Beyond that, we ran in the same circles. People were always asking after them. I had to make a choice to withdraw completely from my community or suffer their deceit in silence. I chose the latter. As hurt as I was I didn't want everyone to know, because they still needed help. Luckily the strain of seeing me at events when they expected me to run with my tail between my legs proved too much for them. They withdrew from the community. That was that, or so I thought.
I learned this week, that my former friend and her family had apparently been saying some things about me. We'll just say they didn't paint me in a particularly good light. It has been almost 7 years since my friendship was legally terminated, but not content with the pain of losing someone, they have been busy trying to tarnish my reputation. Finding this out really opened up those old wounds. At first I wondered if it would have been better for me to not know, but I realize now that if I hadn't found out those wounds would still be there under the surface. The poison in them was only partially dormant. I haven't really let people get very close to me the past few years. The level of betrayal I felt was still affecting all of my relationships.
What I'd said in my head to comfort myself over the years was this, "Well at least we saved their life. We're not friends anymore but we did that." The thing is that we really didn't. My friend died. The person who is taking breaths now is not them. I don't know them. I don't recognize the hatefulness in them. My friend is dead, and perhaps knowing that I can let go of my anger, truly grieve, and finally heal.
Why am I telling you this? Well I had to get it out of me. The oblique references were no longer effective for me. This was poison in my heart and by telling it I hope to expunge it from me and transmute it. All of us have suffered betrayals of one form or another. Some of you reading this have probably suffered on a magnitude far greater than I can imagine. Some of you beautiful beings have even forgiven those folks who hurt you so deeply. I have a teacher who often says, "Where is the gift?" In some ways this blog was the gift. The hurt in me forced me to develop my voice, and that led to me writing a book, giving lectures, speaking on podcasts, and creating a meditation album. So I guess I should thank them for what they did, but I'm not going to.
Sometimes even when people survive they die. We should mourn them, for even if their feelings and words were a lie ours were not. So here I am being vulnerable and honest. I have named no names, the people in my circle know who is who and what is what. I hope that in this telling I find peace and that in the reading you find understanding.
Peace and Blessings,
Saturday, August 31, 2019
I hope your summer has been fun so far. I've mostly been getting things done the past few months. I haven't done much seasonal frolicking. My fun quotient is definitely down, but I feel like my growth quotient has been up. I have certainly been receiving omens and signs.
The past year I have been noticing the sounds of the seasons as they turn. From the quiet of winter, to the songs of spring birds, and the drone and hum of insects of the summer sun. I have been fascinated by cicadas for years. I remember finding their empty exoskeletons as a child. I was an adult before I saw them in their flying form. I continue to find their empty husks on the sides of trees, but it wasn't until this summer that I saw one in between stages. Still wearing that rigid exterior, but on the cusp of breaking free and spreading its wings. I'd never actually seen what they look like in that husk, even though I hear them all around me in the summer.
People can be like that too. We see them after they have broken free and soared, or before when they struggle crawling through their challenges. It is rare that we get to see that point where the change happens, where they're still bound by limitations, but the breaks in their prison are starting to show. I've seen it several times this summer. I'm taking it as a sign, that though I still have a lot of struggles going on, I am close to that point where my wings burst forth and I can't be held down any longer. I could be wrong, but it feels like I am close to achieving the kind of life I would like to live.
Of course that means right now is also a frustrating time. It's the space where I see my dream in front of me, but I still can't seem to reach it. Right now the temptation is to give up, start over and try something else. If I do that though, I'll never get those wings. That voice that lives in the darker regions of my psyche likes to say things like, "Who are you kidding, you'll never fly anyway." At this point I don't know if that voice is lying or not, but it doesn't seem to be a kind voice. This makes me suspicious. Who is this voice serving?
Why am I telling you this? Well times of transition are very powerful. However when we don't complete the process of transformation we end up disempowered and empty. Disillusionment is a real danger to our growth. We have to focus and trust if we wish to emerge into a better form of living.
How about you? Are you very close to realizing a milestone, but seem to be stuck in the last few lengths of the track? Have you given up too soon? Have you lost heart? Is that little voice inside telling you it's pointless to keep trying? Well consider this your wakeup call. Listen to the cicadas, even the ones still in their husks. They are there because thousands of generations before them persevered climbing the trunks of trees, lugging the heavy weight of their outer form until they could leave their burdens behind and spread their wings. You are here because your ancestors made it, and you carry their strength within you. Now is the time, trust, keep moving, and soon very soon, your time to fly will be upon you.
Peace and Blessings,