Friday, January 12, 2018
Welcome to the post holiday blahs. For me the tree is still up but the lights are off. It will come down this weekend. Currently the white death is falling outside, or at least that is what the TV forecasters frame it as: Snowmageddon, Snowpochalypse, or the Great White Death Storm, although that last one sounds more like a white supremacist metal band if I think about it.
Lately my posts haven't been as visceral, they've felt more like assignments that I have to get done. This happened to me before when I was working on my first book. It's not surprising that as I contemplate my second book I'm feeling the well running dry. However there is more to the story than that. When I committed myself to writing each week, I was recuperating from heart break due to the ending of a core relationship in my life. In the past three months, I've parted ways with several people and I've not talked about it on here. I didn't want to air my dirty laundry for the world, but in suppressing my feelings my creativity has similarly suffered.
I tend to love my friends fiercely. I think this is due to the fact that growing up I had few if any friends. Being generally liked was never part of my experience. It still comes as a shock when random people are kind to me. So when I forge a friendship I am loathe to give it up, because of this I tend to quietly put up with a lot more bullshit than most people do.
I had a group of friends I would get together with for fun and games. It had been going on for a few years, but for the last two I found myself existing more and more on the periphery. I'd go to gatherings and say hello and I'd barely get a word in. I'd be talked over, around, or simply ignored. I sometimes left with less than a paragraph of actual dialogue between myself and others. I started to bring other people to the gatherings so I wouldn't feel so lonely and it worked for a short while. I was ignored while people checked their text messages, twitter, and Facebook. I started noticing that the rest of the group was out together at a movie or other event when I got online and saw their check ins. For a while I rationalized this, maybe it was a spur of the moment thing, but it kept happening.
This went deeper than not getting enough invites. After a decade of trying to get my artwork out into the world I was in two gallery shows this fall. Nobody from that group came to either of them, they barely acknowledged I had something important happen. When I published my book not a single one of them came to my first local book signing which literally took place around the corner from their house. They never attended any of my events (which were free). In short, they had no interest in my life. I was their mascot. Something to trot out like a curiosity. This was shown to me clearly when I sought out a secondary group to get my gaming fix met. This second group made me realize how unhappy I'd been, because they cared not just about me but about everyone in the group. They showed up at my openings. They talked with me and with each other. They put their FUCKING PHONES DOWN!!! It was this shining of example of engagement that demonstrated how much I didn't belong in the other group.
I decided I would slip away quietly. I just wouldn't be available to the faux friends as much. So I began to reel my energy back in. Well they must have felt it because they latched onto some drama to pull me back in. I will sum it up. They wanted my help to attack someone online for the ignorant thing they'd done. I refused. They attacked me. Another friend intervened letting them know I had been upset with them. They promised to work on it so they could fix the relationship. It was ending prior to this blow up, but in my mind it was officially over the moment they publicly attacked me. I did give them a final chance and went to one last gathering. It embodied everything I had felt in the past year or so, nothing had changed. Before the drama explosion I had known the truth, there was no place for me there. The drama just hammered the point home.
This is probably the most detailed personal rant I've given. Let me be clear I don't hate anyone in the group that I left, I just didn't belong there. This is not the first time I've found myself in the center of a group I didn't really belong in. I've seen this pattern repeat every so often for about two decades. Each time though it has gotten less intense. The first time it happened I nearly died, because I hung on to the group identity long past the time when it turned toxic. I tried to make do with people and I let myself be hurt in the process. What was interesting about the pattern this time was that the initial decision to disentangle came from seeing the example of something better. I almost got out of this situation drama free, and I tried to be adult about it. I didn't add anything to the drama except my frustration that their had to be any in the first place. I let others do the heavy lifting when it came to tearing down the structure. I just lit the match once the debris pile was ready.
Why am I telling you this? Well to be honest I needed to vent, but I also realize that many of you are in similar situations. Many of you have stayed in hurtful relationships or situations because you just didn't want to bring it all crashing down. In staying though you have lit a beacon for all types of disrespect and abuse. I just let myself be numb to it so I could have the illusion of belonging. I was lucky enough to have true belonging come to me whilst I was still partially engaged in that illusion. Most of the time we don't find anything until we let go of what we stubbornly are trying to hold onto. We worry about being cast as the one who burned the bridges.
So how about you? Where are you sticking around long past your welcome? Are you miming the part of belonging even though it is slowly draining your life away? Are you afraid of going it alone? Well in the words of Aerys Targaryen I say, "Let them all burn." You are not the ones who hosed the structure of your relationship down with noxious and flammable materials. You are simply the one with the matches. Be like the cat in the picture above, riding the unicorn of righteous fury, delivering the rainbow, and breathing fire. Sometimes you have to raze the old structures of your life if you want fertile ground to plant new dreams in. Don't let fear stop you. Let all the false things in your life burn. What's left when the ashes fall away is what matters.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Happy new year! Today I am grateful because the deep freeze of arctic air has lifted and we have come up above freezing for the first time since Christmas it seems. We ushered in this year with a full moon, the first half of a blue moon. It was also a super moon as will be the second full moon of the month. This will be coinciding with a full lunar eclipse. So if you believe in astrology that's quite a bang to start off 2018 with.
Months before I had discovered what was going on in the sky during the first month of the year, I had high anticipation that 2018 was going to be a powerful year for myself and for many others. It felt like it was a year for manifesting and coming into your own. For myself I had several projects that felt like their time had come and another one that landed in my lap unlooked for, but welcome. On the Medicine Wheel of the Mesa I would say this year the energy of the East is strong. In the East we step into who we are becoming. That's what 2018 is for me, stepping into and embodying my own power, and letting my light shine out strongly.
Manifesting our dreams is exciting, but it also a bit scary. We have to open our hearts, be seen, be vulnerable enough to allow ourselves to receive. We have to take responsibility for our desires and our actions. If something goes wrong who is to blame but ourselves. This worry of screwing up grows out of my old nemesis perfectionism.
The worst thing you can be is wrong, if you are a perfectionist. Making a mistake is something you punish yourself for repeatedly. It is one of my primary blocks in creating art and life changes. Failing of course is part of the journey. You learn quite a bit from failure, but perfectionism expects you to know without any of the messy screwing up phase.
Why am I telling you this? Well the new year is here, and there is quite a bit of extra possibility magic floating in the air right now. Before we fall too far back into our old routines it would be a good idea to commit to creating the changes we want this year. Now is the time to get our seeds for what we wish to plant and grow in our lives in this coming year. I myself am knee deep in planning for my teaching this year, testing out a new healing method, kicking around the idea of doing a Qi Gong video, and brainstorming for my next book. So dream along with me. Come up with at least one thing that you want. Begin dreaming it into your world. 2018 is for all of us.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Happy New Year! Well, almost but I thought I should pen this while the sun was still in the sky. 2017 has been a rough ride for many of us. There has been a lot of death and destruction this year.
As I look ahead, I wish I could say that on the global scale things will be better. I think we still have quite a bit of hard times in front of us before we come out the other side. Right now we are in the forge and the forces arrayed against us will hopefully make us stronger, but if we don't handle ourselves well we are just as likely to break under the strain. What will make the difference is how we support each other in our challenges. The weight of the past is heavy and we are going to be called to set it down or be crushed by it. We will have enough to carry into the future without also ferrying our regret along.
"If only....", I hear you say. Truthfully I say it or at least think it too. If only this had gone right, if only I hadn't gotten into that relationship, if only that plan had worked out, if only I had been ready for what was coming. If only, is a phrase that will drive you mad, if only you let it. When you look at things beyond emotion (not without, beyond) and see the greater story and interlinking of causality, regret becomes more difficult to indulge. The absolute worst situations in my life led me to develop the skills and tools I use for myself and my clients. When one difficulty turned me away from my plans it thrust me in the path of something else I hadn't even thought of trying. The only thing I can regret is that I had to be the sort of person to learn things the hard way.
Regret is a weighty burden to carry. I can't keep carrying it if I want to carry the seeds of what I want to create in my life. I have a lot to bring about in the coming year, and that will take energy and focus. If my attention is constantly pulled behind, lamenting how things should have been, I won't have the stamina to bring out the changes I need to create the life I deserve. I was recently listening to a podcast (it helps me enjoy cleaning) that used the initials WTF except this time the letters stood for Where is the Future? Well the future is in us, we carry it. It can either be a regurgitation of past regrets or it can be informed by lessons learned.
Why am I telling you this? Well I know all of you are carrying things down the road that you just don't need or are downright hurtful to you. The picture above was from my final ceremony of 2017. The focus of that one was to leave behind anything that would hold us back in the new year. I suggest you make a similar plea to whatever powers you believe in to help you do the same. Think of what dreams you wish to build in the year, and see what you must leave behind. Sometimes it is as simple as dwelling upon an old hurt. Sometimes you may have to expend a bit more effort to jettison the junk of yesteryears. It's well worth it though. So in this time of the fading year I wish you freedom from regret and good cheer.
Peace and Blessings,
Saturday, December 23, 2017
I hope you have had a calm week. Most of us are rushing around in December like mad chickens. I've had a week of classes, clients, ceremonies, and of course Star Wars. (Don't worry no spoilers within this post).
Four times a year I am required to drum. I drum more than that, but I only absolutely have to on the solstices and the equinoxes. My winter solstice ceremonies seem to move about from year to year. When I build a house I will do my drumming there, but until then it seems as though I will be spreading my brand of magic around the region. Last year I was given a dream to guide my ceremony. I saw four warriors drumming for the light against the dark in a cave where the phoenix flew down to meet them. Sure enough I had drummers in the four directions, and we drummed in a manmade salt cave, surrounded by warm salt lamps and twinkling star light in the ceiling. This year I drummed in a refurbished meat packing plant that has turned into an arts center. The space had phenomenal acoustics.
The past two weeks I have had an old quote stuck in my head from the Susan Cooper novel, The Dark is Rising. The quote goes, "When the dark is rising six will turn them back, three from the circle, three from the track." I read a lot of fiction particularly speculative fiction, scifi, fairy tales, and urban fantasy. I find there is a lot of emotional depth in these as well as paradigm expanding opportunities. The world is not as solid as we believe, and fiction helps me to explore other realities and try them out. Occasionally I get a little bleed through with these engaging stories.
In our solstice night ceremony, we had six people (including yours truly). Three of us had drums, and three of us had rattles. Three from the circle, three from the track was represented. In dreams our focus can shift the landscape and action of the dream, reweaving a new reality around us. Well life is a collective dream, and when we focus enough attention we create eddies in reality, little vortexes where other realms can push through altering our shared dream. The ceremony I led was connected with many others being held across North America. We heard voices during the drumming. This is not the first time that has happened, and it isn't just me who hears them (so put the antipsychotics down).
Why am I telling you this? Well magic and mystery are my thing. It's my job to remind people that there is more out there than meets the eye. Right now we are in a dark time both physically and historically. The powerful elite have seized more and more control from individuals in their fear driven minds. In these dark times, it is important to remember that together we have power, tremendous power that can literally change reality around us. So in this gathering dark don't despair. Winter is here, but it will also pass. Don't surrender your power, don't give up. Decide what it is you want to bring into the world. Nurture the light you have within, share it with others. Light up the road of life as you travel down it. The biggest trick in the book is to make people think that what they do doesn't matter. Take it from the Mooneagle, everything matters. The smallest kindness can change the world. The right word spoken in the right place at the right time can unlock a new future. So in these long nights consider your dreaming, consider your light, and consider yourself blessed.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, December 17, 2017
I hope you had a good week. December is always a busy time for so many of us. It is important to hold some unstructured time so that we can replenish. Right now I'm in a holding position as I gather my energies for the year ahead. I've got plans...plans within plans to quote the novel Dune.
There are many techniques out there focused on manifesting what you want. It is the most basic uses of magic in any tradition. Every culture and magical system has practices, rituals, and belief structures on how to manifest your desires. At the core of them all is focus. Where we focus our attention, whether positively or negatively is where we give our power.
A lot of us are trained to focus on what we lack by our society. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." However once our basic needs are met (food, shelter, clothing) more abstract needs like meaningful work and relationships take over the dashboard of our mental focus. Most of the time we look to our social groups to see what those mean to us, or worse we look to media. I don't know about you, but my relationships have never followed rom coms in their pattern, and buddy comedies have never looked anything like my friendships. Perhaps I am an outlier, but if I were to compare my life to what is popularly portrayed I'd say I've failed at life. I don't think I've failed, so I am calling bullshit on all that.
In this time of long nights and gray wintry days I'm challenging myself to find out what it is I want in my life. I know I can create it, if I am clear on what I want. This isn't me bragging, anyone can manifest. We do it all the time. Most of us are kind of sloppy at it, so we manifest what we don't want as often as what we do want. A lot of us run on auto pilot manifesting in the path of least resistance, which means the outer world is steering us more than our own directives. This is why clarity is so important.
Why am I telling you this? Well I feel that the year ahead will be a very powerful one for manifesting. For that reason it would be wise to thoroughly consider what we want to create in the coming months. If you don't know what you want then ask to manifest clarity and guidance. For me I start close in and then move out. So having more energy and feeling stronger and healthier in my body would be a good place to start. From there I could move into more grace and ease with family and friends, perhaps making new friends and connections. Moving further outwards, I'd like to see further growth in my business and creativity. You get the idea.
So how about you? How clear are you about what you want to bring into your life? Are you creating your life on auto pilot? Do you stop to consider what will bring you joy? Well you still have a few days left in 2017 to mull it over, so get to it.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, December 10, 2017
I hope you had a wonderful week. Mine has been on the whole very satisfying. It has been full of dreams, journeys, classes, games, and things falling together. At times I've felt like I've been pulled in ten directions at once, but these last three days have me feeling a bit more settled.
Last night was the first snow of the season. It came late in the afternoon without much accumulation, but the visibility for a half hour was quite low. Often it seems if the first frozen precipitation falls on the weekend our city doesn't feel the need to treat the roads. Well I was more than half way to a holiday dinner party when I lost control of my car the first time. Before the night had ended I must have skidded at least half a dozen times. Luckily I drive at a reasonable pace and with the road conditions I was more sedate in my speed than normally. Still I was tempted to turn around and go home, but with all I had accomplished I felt like I should be social. It is the season of gathering.
Thinking of all the trouble people go through to get together through less than ideal traveling conditions has me thinking of how social we are as a species. We live together in great numbers with relative peace all things considered. We seem drawn together at these times where the nights are long. Perhaps it is cultural, holiday times were always special growing up as they were for my parents before me, and their parents before them. Would we observe the season in the same way without that backdrop of ancestral history? I think we would.
All over the world there seems to be some observance of these high and low times as it comes to the sunshine in the year. Whether it is Christmas, Yule, Chanukah, Diwali, or Saturnalia the darkness of the northern hemisphere has us gathering lights to banish the long night and beckon back the sun. The response from so many cultures shows me that there is some deeper yearning that is met by gathering together and lighting fires and cheering on each other's inner light.
Why am I telling you this? Well many of us struggle with holidays. We compare our situations to cultural images of perfection and happiness that are unrealistic. Others of us may be estranged from family or friends. Still others have lost loved ones whose absence is even more keenly felt in these times of gathering.
As I live longer I have seen the holidays shrink, and rather than allow that grief, I have constant messages from media and my everyday life telling me how happy I should be. I have eschewed most work related parties this year because I find it difficult to keep the appropriate level of "cheer" at the ready. (It probably doesn't help matters that I don't imbibe alcohol either).
So in this time of gathering dark, I challenge you to bring your light. Be with others you care about. Enjoy their company. Allow your sadness for bygone days and friends to coexist with your appreciation of those that remain to you. That I believe is the true meaning of the season, not the manic dancing reindeer party machine, guzzling the eggnog. Be authentic in your joy and in your grief. Don't require anyone to fix it, and in return don't think you have to fix anyone else. Just share your light.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Welcome to the holiday season! This week has been full of surprises. Mostly what has been showing up is potentials for growth in the coming year. Finding unlooked for opportunities, and openings into new ways of working and being has also been shaking open the doors of life.
I had a spontaneous movie night this week with a dear friend. We were looking around and the people in her apartment complex had some quite amusing WIFI network names. There was the ever popular FBI home surveillance network, but by far our favorite was "The Promise LAN." Of course it was password protected. You don't get in the promised LAN without the right key.
I've been finding lately that my working style with people has been shifting. It has become more of a partnership model rather than a sit back, and let me do the healing. (Note: I don't really do the healing, Spirit does that I just hold space). I've been engaging people to track patterns and issues along with me. I've been rethinking how much responsibility rests in my hands and how much in theirs. This has been creating more exciting, productive, and less tiring sessions.
I've thought about blocks and how we get in our own way. The Universe knows I trip myself up and self sabotage constantly. Getting to the bottom of the why's of that, looking at agreements, and changing them or at least the relationship to them has me working more like a coach these days. I still move energy and patterns around, but I find that facilitating and presenting people with the keys to their own blocks is far more effective than if I try and unlock their power for them. I'm excited again about the future rather than just worried. I'm excited about bringing more value and clarity to those that work with me. I'm feeling greater confidence and that makes my work go much smoother.
The biggest block I have found is the belief that we can't get better, can't get what we want, or can't change. If we don't deal with that pattern we can move mountains of energy and everything will stay locked into place. I recently had a spirit tell me that I wouldn't let myself dream. I knew exactly what they meant. I settled, because I never thought I could get what it was I wanted. I'm done playing small though, and I'm going after what I want.
So why am I telling you this? Well we get stuck sometimes in life, and we give up pursuing our passions. We let go of having something in our life that lights us up from the inside. When we do that we become locked into the prison of mass consciousness and limitations. I'm not saying that we should follow through on every desire and impulse, but we must at least allow ourselves the place to explore some of them.
So have you stopped making your personal wish list? Have you stopped being excited at life's possibilities? Have you tried to be "realistic" rather than idealistic? Well perhaps it is time you reexamined that approach. If you don't attempt something you have a 0% chance of success. If you allow yourself to dream, to wish, to attempt, then you may unlock the key to the Promised Land...you may also get the WIFI password.
Peace and Blessings,