Sunday, August 11, 2019
Well this summer is flying by. I've been trying to absorb as much of the good mellow times as possible. The warm days and gentle nights, have been quite soothing. I've been settling into a new routine of teaching, chi kung training, and seeing clients. The big news is that this week my first guided meditation album was released by Hemi Sync. I still have a hard time believing how smoothly this project came together.
This past year I've been working on committing to a daily practice. I've settled on working with my energetic cords of relationship. The idea for this album grew out of that, but also from working with clients for the past few years. I noticed I was taking them through the same process session after session, so I thought I would create a recording of the process and put it on my website. Well inspiration hit and I thought, "Wait I know some of the folks at Hemi Sync, they would be able to make a much nicer recording than I could." From that seed of an idea I created a written script which I sent off, and from that point on through revisions and contracts the manifesting of this product sprang forth. This was my first time working collaboratively on a project like this. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I find it ironic though that I am doing a meditation on relationships. That is definitely the area in my life where I have struggled the most. There is an old belief that we end up teaching what we most need to learn. I think most of us struggle with our relationships whether they be interpersonal or our relationship to our technology, society, or nature. Anything I can do energetically to ease the experience is something I need to focus on.
Perhaps I should start with a bit of background on cords. Basically in many different mystical or spiritual traditions there is the idea that cords of energy connect us to anything or anyone we relate to. The cords are either strong and flexible, or they are weak and brittle. I've seen some cords that look like they are diseased, or they look like vines crawling with stinging insects. We send energy through our cords to each other, and there is a lot of subconscious telepathy that happens via those cords. It's the phone call from a friend you had just been thinking about sort of event. Another example is a mother's intuition, when she feels her kid is in danger or up to something. Most of us have had some experiences like this we can point to in our own lives.
So why make a meditation about this? Well like I said I have struggled with relationships, and many other people do too. Once your basic needs are met, your single strongest measure of happiness is going to be the quality of your relationships. I have been in complete joy or absolute misery depending on the company. So seeing to the energies that underlie all those connections is crucial.
How about you? How do you feel about your relationships? Are they strong and vibrant, or do you feel like you need a gas mask to filter out the poison from some of them? Do you neglect your connections, or are you neglected? We are a least 50% responsible for our relationships and it is important that we tend to those connections. Human beings are a social species, we do not do well in isolation. So I wish you the best in life and in love. If you want to purchase my album I will put the link below.
Peace and Blessings,
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
I've been reveling in the summer sun of late. Today I tasted the sweetness of the first ripe tomatoes of the season. I've also been tying up a few loose ends. Well actually cutting those end off to be more accurate.
I have in the past been one to summarily cut people out of my life. It has been a recurring pattern. I think initially it sprung from not being able to deal with conflict. I have judged myself for not being able to retain many relationships. I think I have been too harsh with myself. As I look back now, the people I cut out of my life were those that I tried working through conflicts, multiple times in fact. In other cases I had a sense attempting to work through issues would be pointless because of the trauma they were carrying. After a while, you get a sense of behavioral patterns, pair that with a bit of intuitive gifts and you begin to see which avenues you should stop driving down.
Recently I have been trying to let people have their chance to work through their stuff and just distance myself without fully cutting the cord between us. I've done this out of some misplaced idea that it was more mature. I've also had some professional entanglements which prevented a clean cut like I prefer. After giving it a fair go and trying to remain professional without any personal ties I concluded that it didn't work. I was attacked, undercut, and overall abused for a year before my patience reached the end of its tether. It took a while to disentangle professionally, but I eventually was able to and I have cut fast and deeply through any remaining ties. I didn't want to do this, but I must say I feel better already.
I am of two minds about severing ties with people. I'd like to think that people can grow and change, and that I can forgive and work through difficulties. I want to be fair. (Whatever that means.) However, I also don't want toxic people and their bullshit in my life. Trying to balance these two perspectives can be tricky, but I believe it's something I have to attempt. Being too scissor happy or being too allowing are both losing strategies for a fulfilling life. I've often said, "There's only so much Mooneagle to go around." So it is up to me to choose where and to whom I will devote my time and energy.
Why am I telling you this? Well it is what's been on my mind. I also think it is something most of us deal with off and on throughout life. Our relationships are like gardens we have to prune the plants and pull out the weeds otherwise it just becomes an impassable mess. If you prune too much, you kill your plants. If you don't prune away diseased leaves and branches, you kill your plants.
How about you? Are there any areas in your relational world that need pruning? Are you too snippy with your gardening shears? Do you let poison ivy grow rampant through your garden? Well I suggest you wear gloves, look at each thing rationally. Then I suggest you look at things through the lens of emotion. What do these views tell you? Water your garden, deadhead your flowers, and be sure to clip carefully that which does not serve you or your loved ones.
Peace and Blessings,
Thursday, June 27, 2019
I find it funny that when I started writing this blog, I knew nobody was reading it. There was a kind of freedom in that. I could say what I liked. I could work through my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about anyone using it against me or projecting themselves onto what I'd written (either correctly or incorrectly). While I do my best to not make things personal when writing, the personal sphere seeps in. It kind of has to for my words to have any true emotional depth behind them. So I am re-examining how much I share of my inner workings.
My faith in humanity has been sorely tested this past few years. While I am far from perfect I strive to be good and easy to get along with. I should explain that I spent a majority of my life feeling very lonely. I did not really have a group of close friends until I reached my mid twenties. That first group soured and went bad. After coming close to death I realized how toxic that group was for me. I excised them from my life. Which is a fancy way to say I burned down every connection that led back to them, no matter how tangential. I have since gone through several iterations of that pattern to lesser or greater degree (without the dying part though, I decided that part sucked). This blog actually started after another relationship purge that was as life altering as that first one. So here I am once more in the midst of The Purge. I've tried to make this one a slow controlled burn, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it and get out the kerosene.
I've asked myself what particular character flaw gets me into these situations. What I've boiled it down to is that I am always trying to not feel lonely. I grew up with loneliness as my constant companion. So I've put up with a lot of toxic behavior from folks just so that I don't have to be alone. Again this is not to say that I don't have my annoying traits (I know I do because sometimes I annoy myself), but I have experimented extensively with hanging with folks that simply tolerate me. My experiments have concluded it is not worth it. I end up feeling worthless and believing that I am hard to love. So not exactly what I am looking for in my relationships with others.
Why am I telling you this? I'm lonely, and it is by design at this point. I've cut out anyone I have deemed toxic. What I have done in the past is to look for new folks to fill that void, but I am trying to slow down. It's all about quality not quantity when it comes to people. I'm over putting up with cruelty in personal relationships (or professional ones either). So right now I am floating in my bubble of solitude. I don't think my need for companionship will ever go away as it is part of being human, but I want to work on evolving how I relate to and fulfill that need. I am not living as a monk or nun this lifetime so personal relationships will play a crucial role in the shape and pattern of my life. As such I want to get a handle on this so I can experience different journeys going forward.
How about you? Aside from your basic physical needs, relationships will have the greatest impact on how happy you are with your life. Do you have any toxic people dumping chemical waste into your emotional aquifers? Are you with the people in your life just so that have somebody in your life? Do you enjoy their company? Do you feel better or worse from your interactions? It pays to get clarity and to prune our social contacts from time to time. It doesn't have to be nasty or showy, you can just decide to spend less time with certain folks, or no time at all. It is your life and your time, spend it with people you love and who love you too.
Peace and Blessings,
Friday, June 14, 2019
Did I scare you? You may have been startled if not by the picture above then by my recent rants on social media. I'll be honest, I've been in a bad mood since late 2016. Some of this is because of personal matters, but in greater part it is the larger pattern that society is weaving.
I have watched people delight in the torment of myself and others like me, as we view what to us looks like the fall of our civilization and species. This is quite demoralizing, and people are enjoying it. They couldn't be happier as we continue to poison the land, sea, and atmosphere. Right now we have concentration camps for children. We have nazis marching in our streets. We have a surge in violent hate crimes. We turn a blind eye when kids ask us to protect them from military style fire arms. So I am flaming mad. I'm a freaking vortex of rage and molten soul fire. I also don't have a great means of redressing such atrocities. I have yet to succeed in creating an army of mutant warrior wizard clones of myself to hunt down the minions of corruption. Imagine that, an army of me, I'm not sure reality could take the strain.
So the question remains. What to do with this rage? I've tried being a social justice warrior on social media. I came to realize that it was futile. I've tried speaking with government representatives, only to have them turn a deaf ear. I've given aid to organizations and projects I thought would help the world or at least a small corner of it. I've worked on personal projects. The rage remains. It remains because every day there is a new atrocity, which the sleeping souls cheer on as a victory. It remains because for all the many problems we face there are so many solutions that are simply being ignored.
One thing about feeling anger as an empath is that it blocks out a good deal of other people's feelings. To quote Anansi the spider deity, "Sometimes angry gets things done." This is true and has been true in my life, but (there's always a but somewhere) it tends to get things done with quite a mess and collateral damage. Anger can make you feel powerful if you give yourself over to it, but I am not a Spartan warrior. (Not this lifetime anyway, you should have seen me back then though because I was BUILT!) There are some in the spiritual community that would have you kill your anger, because it is one of the so called 'lower' emotions. I call bullshit on that. Anger has its place in our psyche for a reason. There are others who would tell you merge with it and set your world ablaze with your 'sacred fire'. I have ridden the high horse of righteous fury before. I got saddle sores. I am seeking for a 3rd way, where I don't deny my anger nor do I let myself be ruled by it.
Why am I telling you this? Well I have withdrawn a good bit from the social arena. I have been quite cynical towards people in general. I've got my guard up. Where there is rage there is also hurt. For now I am working on healing the hurt places in myself so that I don't have to hold myself apart as much. I want to honor my feelings and protect my heart without keeping everyone and everything out. What I need is a bouncer at the door. For some they will be a greeter, for others they will show them the exit. I am to the point in my life where not everyone gets an audience.
How about you? Are you tapped into rage? Is it personal, societal, or existential? How are you handling it? Are you handling it? Do you just stuff the anger down until it bursts forth like a volcano? Does it steal your joy and direction? Does it give you fire to keep on burning a path forward? What is it trying to tell you? Listen carefully and maybe a way will be found to turn that fire into the kind of passion you can use to make a better life for yourself and others.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
See I have not vanished from the earth. I live to post again! It has been a bit though. When I rebooted this blog and began writing weekly it was due to big upheavals in my life. My more recent absences from the blogosphere have also been due to life changes. So while there is still a voice in my head saying, "You haven't blogged this week." There is another voice growing stronger of late that is saying, "Your commitment to blog was to you and you alone, you can change that arrangement if it suits you." As such no apologies will be offered from here on about the length of time between posts.
About ten days ago I went on an adventure. It began with the spark of inspiration back in January after a good session with a client. I began creating a meditation based on my what has become my daily practice. At first I was simply going to record it on a conference call number and pull it into Audacity with some alpha wave surf sounds and release it on my website. I had the glimmer of an idea though to approach some of my contacts at Hemi-sync to see if they would partner on this project. Well fast forward a few months, and I have recorded a voice track based on the script I wrote. Today I got to hear the sample background music that was selected to accompany it. It's all a bit surreal. When I started this journey years back, I never imagined it would lead here....maybe I should work on my imagination.
I should state I'm not much of a planner. I have goals. I try certain things. I liken it to tossing seeds where I walk and seeing which ones come up. Some do and some don't. Over time I seem to be getting better at determining which seeds to toss about. To some it looks methodical and well thought out, to others it looks random, and to another group of observers it looks like I'm not doing anything. All are correct, and all are wrong. It seems to be me the more I let go and go with the flow, the more headway I make. It allows me to be relaxed enough to spot opportunities without getting tunnel vision.
So why am I telling you this. Well I am excited about recent developments, and I hope you also have something new and refreshing in your life as well. It can be easy to stress about setting up success strategies, or to just give in to inertia and not go anywhere. A teacher of mine once talked about the difference between fate and destiny. A person could be fated to meet someone significant, their destiny would be what they do with that encounter. So in the weeks that follow I suggest you go about your business with one ear to the ground for opportunities. They may come as a bolt of inspiration, as a solution to a current problem, or a clever refinement of something you've been doing for a while. In other words, live and see what life offers.
Peace and Blessings,
Friday, May 3, 2019
It's been a hot minute hasn't it? Spring is beginning to transition into early summer. My best laid plans have gone awry. I will be in the wind at the end of the month, traveling to fulfill a secret mission. Don't worry the secret will be revealed eventually, but now it is story time.
Once upon a time, there was a lonely knight. When he was a young boy, monsters came from the dark world and tried to wound him. He hid until he was old enough to forge a magical suit of armor. He worked night and day forging one piece at a time. As one piece was finished he put it on and continued on the next piece and the next. Until one day he was completely encased in armor. The monsters could not get him. For a time he was pleased knowing that his protection was impenetrable. The years went by some slowly and some flying. Though he was now surrounded by good folk and there was only the occasional dragon, the knight forgot that he was wearing armor and so he forgot to take it off. As time passed he forgot how to take it off, and though it kept him safe from harm it also kept him safe from feeling joy and the loving touch of others. Soon it came to be burden, but one he did not know how to set aside. So his greatest strength had become his greatest weakness. When his heart was weighed down by the weight of his regret he set off through the wilderness to seek the Wizard of the Wastelands. It was said that he knew how to free people from enchantments.
I hope you enjoyed story time. This little fable was inspired by my own life. As I have written before I was often bullied as a child (and occasionally as an adult but that doesn't go so well for bullies these days). I was very sensitive and I had to teach myself to not express or show emotion, otherwise it invited further torment. Through my different meditations and mental training techniques I was able to learn to detach from most people. At the time it served me well and probably saved my sanity, but like most tricks it simply exchanged one set of problems for another. One of the best examples of how this has hurt me in the long run is the difficulty in taking in a compliment or anything good that someone tries to send my way. If you have flirted with me in the past I may not have been blowing you off, it just didn't get through the armor. (Sorry about that)
So why am I sharing this story with you? Well it isn't so you'll feel sorry for me. (Although don't put that sort of manipulation past me, I'm tricksy). This is a very common adaption pattern. We armor up to protect ourselves. We numb ourselves so we won't feel the hurt. The problem is we don't feel the joy in life either. I'm not judging you if you have or are currently doing this. Like I said above this ability did save me. The trick is to know when and how to take off our emotional armor. Real knights tended to not sleep in their armor. Not only was it really uncomfortable, it was a bitch to pee in, and it was so heavy that if they did sleep in it they wouldn't be able to get up themselves.
How about you? Do you live in your armor? Do you drag yourself from one day to the other in a fog of emotional numbness? Has joy and music left your life? Well in the coming days look for times when you can take some of that armor off. You can always put it back on if a toxic dragon lady or ogre man stumbles into your den. Be gentle with yourself, for your old tears may have rusted the armor. Be mindful not just what your are protected from, but also what you have cut yourself off from receiving.
Peace and Blessings,
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Yes it has been a while. I do not wish to stop writing this blog, but I have had to prioritize other things. Since my last post I have turned my pen (well keyboard) to other creative pursuits. I have also been doing a lot of inner healing work in conjunction with the beginning phases of my next book. There are some common themes that are rising to the surface as I do this work.
One of my earliest memories of church is one of a shouting priest, red in the face telling us all how unworthy and sinful we were. I was the child that would hide when it came time to goto church (gee I wonder why), but only occasionally did that strategy work. While there is some value to religious teachings, there seems to be an epidemic on how to do it wrong. The seed that these early experiences planted in me was that I had become better to be worthy of love and attention. This seed blossomed into a poisonous vine that choked the life out of my self worth and ability to form healthy relationships. It also drove me from one self improvement technique to another without ever finding true acceptance.
There was an upside to this. I've learned a vast array of meditative and mystical energy techniques throughout my life. The core of my challenges though always come back to that feeling of being unworthy. Unfortunately I have allowed people around me that have reinforced that core belief pattern. I even had one former friend actually say that I didn't deserve to find love. In their eyes I didn't measure up. (Don't worry folks I burned that bridge quite thoroughly). At the time I didn't say anything, I just sadly accepted their pronouncement. Lately I've been calling out that voice in my head that tells me if I want something I have to change to be worthy. The truth is that voice will never think I am worthy enough. So I have decided instead to hold it under the water until it stops struggling.
There is nothing wrong with self improvement. I just want it to come from a place of excitement and curiosity rather than from one of desperation. The idea of worthiness and the harm it causes doesn't just end on the personal level it echoes out on the societal stage. How many times have you asked someone about something like universal health care or educational opportunities only to have them answer back with how this group or that group doesn't deserve it? Of course that means none of us can benefit from it either, but some people are so married to idea that people have to be worthy that they would forego benefits for themselves rather than see someone they don't think measures up receive them. As a teacher of mine would say, "They just shit in their own hat." Would it be terrible if we looked out for everyone whether we thought they deserved it or not?
Why am I telling you this? Well more than likely you have harmed yourself either through self sabotage or self esteem loss, or you have allowed others to bring you down because of this false idea of needing to be worthy. Part of my daily practice of late has been to call in the energy of Grace. The nice thing about Grace is it is there for all, worthiness has no part in its generosity. When I approached the spirit of Grace directly I was told that it was in everything. It had no form, it expresses throughout the universe in every atom, every cell, and every single soul...including yours. It takes no sides and has no agenda. It is simply there to uplift us all.
So how about you? How much does the cult of worthiness ensnare your mind? How much good do you deny yourself or others due to this hateful idea of earned benefits. What if you just wished good for all beings whether they were 'worthy' or not? What if you included yourself in that wish? Try it out for a while. Call that accusatory voice out on its bullshit, and see what happens.
Peace and Blessings,