Through the Mists

Greetings all,

How long has it been now since last I posted? Well if you saw the image on this post you know why it's been so long. I've been putting my writing energy into something else, namely my latest book, Tales of Mistfall.

When covid shut the world down, I like many others had a lot of time on my hands. I was only teaching once a week and that was through one-way streaming, meaning people could see me, but I couldn't see them. People sometimes mistake me for an extrovert since I put out content on youtube and on public posts like this one. Teaching requires me to be social, and that takes energy. When in person classes stopped for over a year, I found myself with an abundance of creative energy. I got back into my ceramics studio, and made work that I'd never managed to before. 

Being confined to the house and the daily walks with the dog basically meant my mind had to roam inside its own confines. I started looking back on some of my work that had the seeds of ideas for a setting; that setting became Mistfall. My plan was to write my way out of the pandemic, and to a large extent I did. Originally I was just going to do a few stories and see if I could get some friends to start a virtual writers group. I found as I wrote though, I became more possessive of this world. It was my mind's second home, my time-share in the otherworld. 

After the first story, I penned another short piece in one sitting. Then the one after that took months. Each story I wrote, the world became more real to me, more enriched. Before I knew it, I had more ideas than I had time, especially once I went back to teaching in person again. All told this book took over four years, twice as long as my first book took. This one is considerably longer, and as I told a friend the first book was mostly me just writing down what I was told when in a journey. Mistfall on the other hand had to be built from the ground up. It had to have consistency, the world had to make sense.

Why am I telling you this? Well I just spent the last four years pouring my soul into this book, and I need to share just how big of a deal it is to me. Additionally, creating my own world has me thinking about how much we do this everyday. The mental landscape I live in is vastly different than most people I know.  Politics and religions tell stories about the world too, and many people confuse those stories with the the objective world. They are not, they are just stories. Personally, I prefer Mistfall to most of those stories of the world. 

How about you? What stories are shaping the world your mind inhabits? Are they true? If they are fiction, are they helpful? Do they make life easier, more enjoyable? Do the stories you hold close to your heart make you a better person? Let me know what you think and maybe we can share a tale or two, should we meet on the Endless Road.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

P. S. Here is a link to the book.   

https://www.amazon.com/Tales-Mistfall-Thomas-Mooneagle/dp/B0DP7K2HNT/ref=sr_1_1?crid=NJ8RUMMLEHAU&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ErXPnL2xZ_9-r2N9UVq-EA.Gv70l_PNwQOmV3pBMi1zR5c_vlmPeLQGaHeRW5zFBq0&dib_tag=se&keywords=tales+of+mistfall&qid=1733258328&sprefix=%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-1

 

Mindset and Timing

 Greetings all,

It's been a long time coming. The past few years has seen me blogging less and less. My focus has shifted inward since 2019. For those 10s of people that actually still read blogs I should put this in context.  At the end of 2018 my last grandparent died. They were 98 at the time so it was not unexpected, in fact I had been given a heads up the summer before that they would be passing in the winter. I often told people it would have been greedy to ask for more time. Still it was a huge adjustment. I spent most of 2019 trying to grieve and rebalance and see what I wanted to do. When 2020 hit I was planning to finally expand and take my business to the next level. I was scheduled to teach a workshop in Manhattan in May of 2020...well we all know what happened next.

When covid hit I withdrew from the world. I mean most of us did. (Some delusional people refused to alter their lives at all). I was let go from most of my teaching jobs, and I wasn't able to see clients.  My income fell to almost nothing. I was completely isolated for over a year. I literally went almost a year and half without a single hug or human touch of any kind. Amidst all of this there was a level of political turmoil not seen since the civil war. When I finally emerged  and returned to teaching in person classes I was greeted with a staggering amount of loss. At least a dozen of my students and contacts had died, and those are just the ones I know about. 

So during this time a lot of folks were telling me to not be sad to stay positive and work on my mindset. This was the time they said to go out there and create transformation. That didn't go over well with me. I was in grief mode and was being told that those emotions were invalid. Concurrently all of my guides had me in a holding pattern.  I checked every few months after new developments and was always told the same thing, "WAIT."  So I waited, and waited, and waited. I waited for over 2 years. It is only really this year where I have been green lit to get out into the world and resume some of my activities. 

Magic, healing, and transformation techniques can do many things. You can bend reality more than you think. What you can't do is bend the whole world because it doesn't line up with your wants and needs. Lots of the inspirational posts people would use to try and shame me into acting spiritual (in other words smiling and ignoring the shit show that the world had become) really got under my skin.  I ended up having to reject all that and in some ways distance myself from my own power. It had after 2 and half years become pretty ingrained. I stopped trying to make anything happen for me, I stopped even thinking that anything could be good for me again. This was actually helpful at the time; it was a survival mechanism. It kept me safe during uncertain times.  

I don't want to you to think that the pandemic ruined my life.  While it took away with one hand it gifted me with the other. My creativity returned in a way I hadn't seen in years. My work in the studio progressed more in those 2 years than it had in over a decade. I started writing again (obviously not in my blog) and I am close to having a first draft of my first book of short stories set in a world that I created.  I became more savvy about live-streaming and teaching remotely. More importantly covid showed me what I really valued by its absence from my life. 

I'd been following my guidance to wait, but then when I came out of that even though I was working, I wasn't doing things for me. I wasn't allowing myself to dream of what I would like.  I had become accustomed to not getting what I want. This summer I began testing the waters. My guides finally stopped telling me to wait when I asked about my plans. I traveled to see friends and teach a workshop and it went great.  I've made more plans to teach workshops and expand out again. I recently had my first craft night since the before times, and I started swimming again. I am connecting with others and it is like water in the desert. 

Mindset does matter. It just didn't matter in the way the 'positive vibes only crowd' said it did. Mindset cannot change the world.  It only change how you relate to it, and more importantly how you relate to it has to change depending on the state of the world. You can't affirm a hurricane away or visualize the tide not coming in. You can't help but lose people in your life. It's the nature of our journey, every hello is also a goodbye some day. When covid was still just a news story about a virus in China, I remember getting together with some energy practitioners to see if we could shift the energy. Each of us got told something like, "Make your peace with it, this is happening."  

Why am I telling you all this?  Well I am coming to a place in life where I have to balance acceptance of what is, with using my abilities to get what I want. It is time to dream again while acknowledging the world and my place in it. I am having to learn when to use my energy and when to realize it isn't happening and stop wasting effort. Timing matters, there is a time be a go getter and a time to just vegetate and let others run around in circles. I might add it is not an easy lesson it requires a much less rigid mindset and temperament than I currently exhibit.  Still it is important because without this balance we can spend our lives wishing for what could be instead of exploring the riches in what is around us. 

So how about you?  Have you found the balance between making a life and accepting what comes your way? Have you forsaken your dreams at the cost of joy?  Have you abandoned all sense of shared reality for a delusion of desire?  Either ends of this spectrum is fine to pass through, but a terrible place to make your home. Be kind to yourself and others as you recalibrate your life path.  

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

The Falling of Leaves

 

Greetings all,

When I wrote my first post this year way back in January I didn't know when I would write again.  I've had quite a few ups and a lot more downs. I also stated that I was putting my efforts towards my fiction, and I have been.  That has been the shining light for me this year.  I have over 60,000 words written so far.  I've been building worlds and I like it. Still the past few years for me have been years of continual loss combined with a lack of in person community.  This has taken a toll on my mental and physical health and grief has been my constant companion.

Today is the equinox ushering in autumn in the Northern hemisphere and spring in the lands below the equator. Fall brings in such a mix of feelings and memories for me.  It is at this time when I seem to miss people the most. I long for deep meaningful companionship and closeness. I delight in the colors of the season, but also mourn the loss of the green world. Holiday season begins in the fall and with that everything that comes with it. What I have noticed in me this summer is all that is still broken, and what may always be broken in myself and in the world.  That is a daunting realization. What if things don't get better?  What if I fail? What if this is as good as it gets? When we come against those questions we can feel crushed.  We live in a society that values winners, that rewards specialness, and that tells us only those that triumph deserve love and respect. It is deep and pernicious programming. It is difficult to fathom how much love we've withheld from ourselves and others because we didn't think it was earned yet.

As you can see my musings have been dark of late.  It is why I haven't been writing them down. It is terrible from a marketing perspective. I mean I've got magic I should be able to fix anything right?  I've often said if magic could solve all of your problems I wouldn't have any. You can't simply magic away feelings of not being enough. I like everybody struggle with feelings of unworthiness.  It is baked into our culture. 

Amidst all this I keep coming back to the same questions: how will I respond, what do I want my life to be about, what do I want to leave in my wake? All of this I put into my drumming ceremony for the equinox. Normally after I welcome the directions I do several rounds of drumming, the first is for gratitude, and then one to build energy, and finally the third to carry the prayers for myself and my community. This time I did one long round of drumming.  I asked to release the grief as the trees release their leaves, that tears nourish us like the rain nourishes and renews the land.  I asked that beauty be left in my wake. I asked for support. I asked for love and fellowship.  I asked for peace.  I asked for a path. I drummed and I walked the circle. I saw runes in the sticks on the ground, and one in particular kept forming, laguz. 

For me laguz is about the bond of love between people. It is the support and nourishment we receive from nature as it is the rune of water, but it is also the nourishment we receive from fellowship. Other than our material needs for sustenance and shelter this need is paramount to life. We are not solitary creatures. Love is the sun that lights our lives. As the darker months approach and the external sun fades we need that fellowship and closeness to warm our hearts and minds as the bitter winds begin to blow. 

When the world is uncertain I turn to ceremony to stabilize myself and my energy. I've drummed at the quarters of the year for a decade, and I've done a weekly rattling and prayer ceremony for almost as long. Sometimes I come away from them feeling better, sometimes I just come away from them.  It is the commitment and rhythm of them over time that does the work, that helps, and in the process helps others. Ceremony was the first psychological technology, it led to religion and systems of belief, but the foundation of it was in organizing the mind and body. It brought coherence to thought and action. It gave meaning to our place in the world and the seasons. The world is complex, but there are powerful simplicities within it as well. We are complex beings, but we are also simple in our needs. We require sustenance, shelter, safety, belonging, and meaning. These are our needs. The shape they take on changes from person to person and from one society to another, but it is the truth of being human that these needs must be met to find peace and contentment.

As I drove home from my ceremony in the park today, I noticed the changing light. I saw the trees still mostly holding onto their veil of green. I felt them in a way I hadn't for a while, as if they were whispering. As if the wind moving through them was singing a song to those who had the ears to hear it. There was a sense of mutual recognition, a greeting of old friends. For me kinship with the green and growing things was enough to bring a temporary respite, a fragile peace. In these days I take what I can get even if it is ephemeral. 

What about you? Is the changing season whispering words to you through the falling leaves? Are the winds stirring memories in the forest of your heart? Does Grace flow down the streams of your life blood? If you are feeling untethered go to the trees. Walk among their shade. Sit beside their roots. Greet them as dear friends. Do a kindness, and as they do themselves let go of your old leaves.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Structure

 

Greetings all,

Happy New Year!  I recently got a message with a generous donation thanking me for my videos and my blog.  I was surprised as I didn't think anyone was reading my blog anymore.   For six years I put out weekly posts, and then I lost my drive. I'm not going to recommit to a weekly post. I am putting my efforts in writing elsewhere these days, but it is a good idea to occasionally share my thoughts.  The weekly posts began as a way to deal with my own internal thoughts and feelings. It was transformative in that aspect, but it also helped me develop my voice as an author. Which leads me to what I want to talk to you about.

I've been working on my 2nd book for the last 3 years.  I have now laid that one aside. Fear not, I haven't stopped writing, and I may yet revisit that book. Over the pandemic I have read a lot of books, and more importantly I have gotten back in touch with my desire to tell stories  Long before I wrote my first book I wrote fiction. At one point I even tried to write an epic fantasy novel with a friend. I look back on it now and think how bad that writing was. Well during my seclusion I revisited a seed of an idea I had, a world of my own that had a visual language similar to my artwork (although done much better of course). I called it Mistfall, it had been a hazy dream of an idea, until it wasn't. I have written 4 or 5 pieces set in it, and these will be part of a collection that I will publish at some point. 

I've been back to in person classes since the middle of the summer, and one thing I noticed was how much less time I spent writing. I had over 2020 fallen into very unstructured uses of time.  I had so much of it being isolated at home  I could be loose with it and still get lots done.  The past few months has seen a stalling of progress on all my creative fronts.  So I finally decided to structure in time for specific projects. Just like I have hours on the calendar for my classes and events, I now have hours blocked off for writing every week. Now when I get stuck on a scene I have to play around with it at least during the time allotted. Since I put down scheduled writing time I have finished 2 stories and begun a 3rd. Seeing how well this worked I've also put down scheduled time for meditation on the calendar, and I am getting more of that in as well. 

Self care or creative work was always being pushed back or put off. The thing is I need that to be able to succeed. If I want my business to succeed I need time to tend to my own passions and see to my own mental/physical health. I'm only a few weeks into this, and already I see where I need to schedule other times for leisure and rest. I like so many of us have gotten lulled into thinking that rest is something you do after achievement like a reward. The truth is rest is crucial for achievement. I had been depriving myself of it and my achievement went down not up. Currently I feel much better than I have in a while. I am resting more and getting more done. 

Why am I telling you this? Well, structure matters. If we haven't been seeing to our needs or meeting our goals, odds are that we don't have a structure that supports them. In many cases, the existing structure (or lack of one) is leading us to the exact opposite of what we want in our lives. We find time for what matters to us. If we put it down on our schedules we are more likely to prioritize it and stand firm with our boundaries with other people. Trust me other people will test you on this, but if you have a 1-2PM appointment for writing, all you have to tell people is that you have a standing appointment.  If you need more rest or mindfulness put a half hour nap or meditation on your schedule 4-5 days a week. If your appointment is with you and your couch honor it the same as you would a doctor's appointment.  Structure can be your friend if you shape it that way.

So how about you? Are you scheduling time for your needs and goals? Are you putting your own needs last? Do you let people talk you out of the time you need for yourself? If so maybe you need to get out your calendar and block off some time. People don't need to know what you appointment is or who it is with. They may press back at first, but stay firm. Over time they will adapt and you will feel better. Which will make the time you do give to them more meaningful.

Peace & Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

What We Miss

 

Greetings all,

The end of the year draws near.  Holiday season is in full swing.  The cold and dark can be challenging and the holidays while they lift some up, for many they serve as a reminder of what is missing in their lives.  We often see what has yet to be healed, and perhaps what can never be again. 

I tend to get down around the holidays. This springs from several things: a bit of seasonal depression, missing people who have passed away,  the weird tendency to compare my holiday experience to social norms, and the stress of having to put on a happy face or be called Scrooge or the Grinch.

To those that may be in similar positions forced to play a parody of 'merry' let me give you permission to tell the joy police to go fuck right off. You are not obligated to be happy on their timetable or be festive just because it is what they want. You are you, your feelings matter even the ones you prefer not to feel.  We cannot ignore the darkness around us or within us. When we do, no amount of decorating or holiday lights will brighten our hearts. 

To those of you who are estranged from loved ones, I understand. The Mooneagle is no stranger to the chasms that can grow between souls.  What I have learned about myself in recent days may help you navigate, or at least help you to not call your ex.  I find at certain times I miss people, or miss the time when we still cared for one another.  This goes for even some of the most whackadoo crazy abusive or exploitative relationships.  I have to come to see that it is not the person I am missing, it is myself.  I miss the person I was when I still loved them. I miss the ease of not having to be on guard from them.  I miss the innocence of my own heart.  

How about you? Are you struggling in the 'most wonderful time of the year'? Is your weary heart ready to have a lie down until spring? Do you find yourself exhausted for the loves you have lost? As we journey further into the darkness, let us not lose ourselves by looking for the others we have lost.  Let us instead call back our loving hearts.  Let us find the selves we have lost or buried with the past. Let us find the innocence lost in the darkness and gently take its hand and carry it back with us into the returning light. 

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Self Inflicted Care

 

Greetings all,

I've been pondering over this post for almost a week.  Rather than spewing weekly blogs out, I'm waiting until I have something constructive to say.  Well I've been struggling with the seemingly never ending pandemic and all that entails.  I'm back to teaching in person, but I'm not yet eligible for a booster so I've been stressed. I've also struggled with self worth, and valuing my own work.

Dark times can magnify wounds in ourselves that we haven't healed or addressed.  The pandemic has shone a spotlight on mine with most of my distractions being unavailable.  (Yes I avoid and spiritual bypass with the best of them).  Specifically I've been feeling the wounds around being worthy.  Given this time between time I still find myself dwelling in, I have decided to do my best to practice some self care. 

I use my mesa for prayer ceremonies for my community and Patreon supporters, and I also use it for session work with clients.  I often forget that I can use it for working on myself.  Like many people I forget that I can give to myself.  It isn't any more difficult than doing it for others.  The difficulty is the mental block of setting aside time for myself, where a lot of subconscious programming sees it as somehow selfish or unproductive (yay more internalized capitalism...grrr).  I mustered through those internal voices of dissent and did the thing anyways.  

What you see in the picture above is not the work I did for myself.  The picture was the weekly prayer ceremony,  minus the stones and inner cloth of the mesa.  It was doing work for me and wasn't finished in time for the Friday ceremony.  So I improvised using just the outer cloth and some things from the office, whilst my inner cloth and stones were cooking on the issue back at home.  It was kind of a big deal to put myself first and not dismantle the self care I had going on to do my service work the way I always did it.  I still showed up, still sent Spirit gratitude, set up an altar, shook my rattle, and said prayers for my community.  What I didn't do was sabotage my own work by rushing it and demanding I show up in exact the same way.  I'd like to make self care and healing work more of a habit where I give myself the same level of consideration that I give to my clients when we're in session.

Why am I telling you this? Well how many times have you damaged yourself just so you can show up in the exact same way for everyone else around you? How many times have you made yourself sick just because you don't feel like you can slow down, rest, and recuperate?  How many times have you said yes to another obligation, even though you were past the point of exhaustion? I'm not saying to throw out all your responsibilities, but what I am saying is that perhaps don't add anything more to them when you haven't taken care of your responsibility for your own needs. 

As we in the Northern Hemisphere Head further into the dark and cold months it is important that we rest more.  It is important that we value our own being enough to give ourselves what we need, despite all the cultural programming we are bombarded with.  We cannot show up for others if we never show up for ourselves, so my darlings take care of yourselves.

Peace & Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle

Heart Fatigue

 

Greetings all,

Wow I can't believe I'm writing another post so soon. I also can't believe that I used to do this weekly, while working part time, teaching, and running my own healing practice. Just thinking about what I used to do makes me exhausted. Although exhaustion seems to be a way of life these days.

I don't know about you but I am chronically tired. The pandemic has stretched me to my limit and beyond. I spent nearly all of 2020 isolating, and the first half of 2021 as well.  I began teaching in person classes at the beginning of July, right at the start of the Delta surge.  As part of my contract, I have to avoid gatherings of 10 people or more.  Some of my social groups have been having parties this summer,  but if I want to be able to teach I have to stay isolated.  I was hoping to travel towards the end of the summer, but that is not going to happen.  I was hoping to finally get to visit my grandmother's grave, but again that will probably not happen for another year...at least.  Every activity that I would use to renew myself has basically been removed from the field in order to protect myself and those around me. In the meantime, I have observed so many people flaunt the slightest restriction.  They simply can't mask to save someone else's life, because it is uncomfortable. They don't want a vaccine, because they think they'll be fine.  So I continue to watch the circle of my life shrink. I goto work, aware that it is a risk, but really I can't just sit at home either. I am anxious constantly because I don't know who is being careful. I watch as the death tolls rise again, and I just can't seem to care.

I have caught myself thinking lately that we should just let people die.  They have chosen to not protect themselves and by extension everyone else around them. Some of them have verbally belittled those of us who took this crisis seriously.  Others have even done so much as to cough in people's faces just to 'own the snowflakes' (this actually happened to someone I know). I have friends that work in healthcare and they are beyond exhausted, and yet there is no end in sight.  I have family members that have been living with pain because they've had to put off medical treatment for a year and are now having to delay it yet again. So at what point do we just stop caring about those who have been abusive, selfish, and have actively endangered everyone around them? Why are we working so hard to save people that won't do anything to save themselves or others? 

I know that this is wrong. This is not in line with spiritual teachings or at least my current understanding of them. My heart is tired, it is broken, and it despairs. We keep coddling those that would do us all harm and because of this many of our needs can't be met.  Our lives and dreams keep having to be postponed.  

Why am I telling you this?  I know it doesn't paint me in a good light, but it's what I'm feeling.  I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. We're all going through a prolonged traumatic experience, and have been gaslit the whole time by a subset of society. Those that are currently overwhelming our healthcare system were perpetuators of this trauma.  Is it any wonder that we are having trouble mustering up compassion for those that have caused so much collective suffering? Is it surprising we can't seem to have tender feelings or soothing words for those that  said "Fuck your feelings:?

How about you?  Are you finding yourself exhausted?  Are you too tired to care?  Are you succumbing to cold logic/? Have you become numb to the numbers? If so know that you are not alone.  We are all suffering from compassion fatigue. We are all stretched too thin.  Spend your kindness budget on yourself and your loved ones.  Stay safe and healthy.  Take care of each other, because that is how we find our way through this.

Peace and Blessings,

Thomas Mooneagle