It has been some time. There has been quite a lot happening in the world since my last post. To be honest I didn't know if I wanted to write any more blog posts. It's been a dark time. Like so many of you I am uncertain about the future. The new pattern of my life hasn't yet crystallized. I've felt alone in the dark, left with only pessimistic musings on how life will be. It isn't exactly the sort of thing I like to share.
So it's been a year since I knew this was going to hit here. I had no idea that it would hit so hard and last so long. Like many the life that I was living before the pandemic seems like a dream now. I saw people, I could simply walk into a store without having to worry about dying or bringing death home to my loved ones. I hugged people often. I went out to eat. This is not to say that life was beautiful before all this for me. I was in an unsustainable pattern, but I just didn't know a way out of it. Now I am in a different pattern that also isn't sustainable, and now I can't get hugs....or sushi.
I look back and realize I had stopped asking things of life and was just taking whatever scraps were thrown my way. I had stopped wishing and hoping. I was drifting through a dream. Not that I was ineffective, I managed to do a lot of good for folks. I just wasn't getting where I wanted to go. A while back a friend of mine sent me a woven mat from the Navajo nation. It sits on my altar the pattern represents the storm. When they were looking for a gift for me the elder indicated that this was the one I needed and they were very clear about need as opposed to want.
I've been thinking about the storm I find myself in, what has challenged me the most about it, and what I need for myself to get through the next storm. I am also thinking about what I want. There were so many distractions before, but now there is no escaping what hasn't been working. I know that I need more relationships based around mutual support. I know that I need to do more than just work, even if that work is something I enjoy. I know I need to travel more and celebrate with others the successes and commiserate the losses.
Why am I telling you this? Well I think a lot of us had been living life like we dream at night. We are carried along by the dream rarely questioning the pieces that don't make sense. We've been crossing the Nightlands in a car that someone else is driving. Maybe it is being driven by our culture, maybe by our family's influence, or maybe by our personal past. It is like one of those dreams where you are trying to drive the car from the backseat and you are barely able to stay on the road so getting where you want to go is forgotten. We've been treading water alone in the dark. It's time we swam to shore and look towards the dawn.
What about you? What has this journey through the dark shown you? Do you have what you need to get where you want to go? There will be a push to get things back to normal as soon as possible. You have to ask yourself if normal was enough for you? Were you really happy or were you just able to distract yourself from your sorrow? These can be painful questions and realizations. You can feel overwhelmed or worried that you just can't ever find peace and satisfaction. It's time to make our needs a priority, and while we're at it we can make the needs of our fellow travelers one too. Safe journey through this night and all the ones that follow.
Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle
