Yes it has been a while. I do not wish to stop writing this blog, but I have had to prioritize other things. Since my last post I have turned my pen (well keyboard) to other creative pursuits. I have also been doing a lot of inner healing work in conjunction with the beginning phases of my next book. There are some common themes that are rising to the surface as I do this work.
One of my earliest memories of church is one of a shouting priest, red in the face telling us all how unworthy and sinful we were. I was the child that would hide when it came time to goto church (gee I wonder why), but only occasionally did that strategy work. While there is some value to religious teachings, there seems to be an epidemic on how to do it wrong. The seed that these early experiences planted in me was that I had become better to be worthy of love and attention. This seed blossomed into a poisonous vine that choked the life out of my self worth and ability to form healthy relationships. It also drove me from one self improvement technique to another without ever finding true acceptance.
There was an upside to this. I've learned a vast array of meditative and mystical energy techniques throughout my life. The core of my challenges though always come back to that feeling of being unworthy. Unfortunately I have allowed people around me that have reinforced that core belief pattern. I even had one former friend actually say that I didn't deserve to find love. In their eyes I didn't measure up. (Don't worry folks I burned that bridge quite thoroughly). At the time I didn't say anything, I just sadly accepted their pronouncement. Lately I've been calling out that voice in my head that tells me if I want something I have to change to be worthy. The truth is that voice will never think I am worthy enough. So I have decided instead to hold it under the water until it stops struggling.
There is nothing wrong with self improvement. I just want it to come from a place of excitement and curiosity rather than from one of desperation. The idea of worthiness and the harm it causes doesn't just end on the personal level it echoes out on the societal stage. How many times have you asked someone about something like universal health care or educational opportunities only to have them answer back with how this group or that group doesn't deserve it? Of course that means none of us can benefit from it either, but some people are so married to idea that people have to be worthy that they would forego benefits for themselves rather than see someone they don't think measures up receive them. As a teacher of mine would say, "They just shit in their own hat." Would it be terrible if we looked out for everyone whether we thought they deserved it or not?
Why am I telling you this? Well more than likely you have harmed yourself either through self sabotage or self esteem loss, or you have allowed others to bring you down because of this false idea of needing to be worthy. Part of my daily practice of late has been to call in the energy of Grace. The nice thing about Grace is it is there for all, worthiness has no part in its generosity. When I approached the spirit of Grace directly I was told that it was in everything. It had no form, it expresses throughout the universe in every atom, every cell, and every single soul...including yours. It takes no sides and has no agenda. It is simply there to uplift us all.
So how about you? How much does the cult of worthiness ensnare your mind? How much good do you deny yourself or others due to this hateful idea of earned benefits. What if you just wished good for all beings whether they were 'worthy' or not? What if you included yourself in that wish? Try it out for a while. Call that accusatory voice out on its bullshit, and see what happens.
Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle
