Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Holding the Self

Greetings all,

I hope you are doing well.  I know this post is several days late.  Be thankful there is one at all.  The post is late because I've been overwhelmed lately.

So there has been some health issues in my family and I am stepping in a bit more to help out.  This has left me tired both physically and mentally.  At the same time it seems people in my social sphere are all going through some rough patches.  Last month I was feeling grief for the past quite acutely.  It has not left me, but I am currently also dealing with current issues.  In times such as these where things must get done, I tend to unplug emotionally.  It seems to be the way that I can cope with demands on my energy.  This does of course make me less receptive to holding space for others when they are feeling tender.

I don't think I am unique in this.  We all tend to dissociate from time to time if we feel things are too intense for us to handle and function, or we have  breakdown.  I've had those but only on the inside.  I kept plugging along on my have to do list whilst I quietly freaked out behind my eyes.  So in the past 2 weeks I've been less empathetic than I normally tend to be.  I've not had the energy.  I've come to a place where no matter what I do somebody is going to be super pissed and project their struggle onto me.  I can't help that.  I started to worry over it, and it was just more to carry.  So I stopped and put it down.  I realized I couldn't hold space for anyone else right now but myself.  This had nothing to do with any personal flaw or being a bad person.

Why am I telling you this?  Well there are times when we just don't have it to give of ourselves.  All we can do is hold ourselves gently up and acknowledge our limits without judgment.  We can't be all things all the time, nor should we.  Compassion starts with the self even when we can't show up the we think we should for others.

How about you?  Are you burned out from your own trauma, but expecting yourself to help others process theirs?  Are you past exhaustion but piling more duties on your plate?  Do you give yourself the space to hold your own feelings in compassion, or do you just do that for others?  Well at some point you will stop, and in my experience it is better if you make that choice consciously rather than having it made for you.  Be gentle with yourself, and forgive yourself.  Those around you will do so in their own time.

Peace and Blessings,
Thomas Mooneagle

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