Sunday, June 17, 2018
I may actually get my blog post out on time this week. I feel so accomplished.
Well this week I was at my lowest I've been in many years mentally and physically. I was exhausted in my body and in my heart. A lot of people think that life doesn't happen to me because I'm all magical and mysterious. That of course is complete bullshit. I have the same struggles and challenges that everyone does (plus a few others that come with being 'special'). What I have been dealing with lately is the decline of a grandparent and the convalescence of a parent. That has been the backdrop to some longstanding interaction patterns that are unhealthy and in some cases toxic in my family. You know what they say if you think you're enlightened go spend a week with your family.
In times of stress we don't think clearly. Well at least I don't. It is easy to shut down and become fixated on the current dilemma. For me it is like a script in my head telling me what's going on and where it will lead. Normally there is some balance with that, but in certain instances it is like our brains get stuck on the same station and for some reason they are playing the same bad song over and over. The thing that I have noticed is that the voice dictating the script in my head has been repeating other people's projections of me (or if we want to get real technical my perception of their projections). What was alarming about this projection was it was wearing my face, and masquerading as my identity. I had internalized these projections true or not, and now they were ruling the roost. So Mr. False Face was reading my internal dialog and it was pretty nihilistic. So sometimes I forget that I have tools. Luckily I also have many allies, and some are very persistent with getting my attention. Long story short, I went to see my power animal and they shook me loose a bit. After that journey I still had that inner monologue in my head, but I now had other counterpoint voices saying things like, "I don't think that's true," or "Well that's not helpful at all," or "You only think they think that about you, odds are that's not right."
Yes I have voices in my head. I talk to myself, sometimes I crack myself up too. I was telling another practitioner that was working on me that having multiple voices in my head was far preferable to having just one. One voice makes it very easy to obsess and get stuck in an unhealthy idea. To quote a favorite show of mine, "A delusion starts out like any other idea." Having multiple inner voices actually helps me to hold more than one perspective. This is a useful skill if you are giving intuitive readings, but it is also useful tool in general for discernment. In this middle world we have to discern truth from lies, balance from imbalance, and love from fear. We have to be able to examine our own thoughts, and having multiple points of view in your own head is a great start.
So why am I telling you this? Well many of you may have noticed that I haven't been on my stride the last few weeks, or that my posts have been sort of morose. This happens, sometimes life knocks us down. The important thing is to find a way to get back up, or ask for a hand. It is easy to obsess over what is not right in our lives or what is 'wrong' with us (or someone else). It's okay to have those thoughts, but you probably don't want to have them on continuous playback.
How about you? Do you have a monolithic voice dictating your identity and circumstances to you? Is the voice kind? Is the voice helpful? Is it accurate? Does it wear your face, but seem to act like a past authority figure you've encountered? What if we opened up the internal forum for more voices of reason and feeling? None of us are just one thing, so why should one voice speak for our psyche? In the coming weeks encourage your various voices to speak up. You might be surprised to find that what you thought was you, is really a masked figure from your past. Thank them for their input and then pass the microphone.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
I hope you had a great first week of June. I've been kept busy between assisting family members with caregiving this week and also officiating a wedding. However I did get out one evening to see a movie with friends and that was wonderful.
This morning as I was teaching my Tai Chi class I had an interesting experience. The fitness room that I teach in has mirrored walls on two sides of the room. One of those walls has doors leading to a supply closet They were not quite latched so the mirrors were slightly eschew. Now as I led class toward that wall I noticed I had no reflection showing, due to the angle of the doors. I was seeing all the students but not myself. This struck me as very strong metaphor.
Often we don't see ourselves, only those around us. For me personally I've struggled a lot throughout my life in envisioning a positive future for myself. Having no reflection showing in front of me was a clear reminder that this is still an issue for me. I got used to not looking too far ahead or making plans beyond the next project. I don't see myself on the path before me. That is of course one interpretation of this coincidence. Another could be that none of us really see ourselves only the people around us, and it is through their actions that we form our self image. Sometimes though we don't even want to look at ourselves, afraid of what we might find there.
There comes a point in life where many of us settle for just getting by, because the way our society is structured makes that very difficult. Not all dreams should come to fruition, but there are deep yearnings in our hearts that when we deny them, we die a little. I'm not talking of dreams of huge homes and fancy cars. I'm speaking of how we live, relate to each other, and how we spend the bulk of our time. Why do we accept so much less? Is it because we don't think we deserve what our heart longs for? Is it because we think we cannot have it? Is it because we are afraid that if we get what we want we'll still be unhappy and it is better to not risk the disappointment?
I do apologize this post is not exactly up lifting. Still even in darker musings there can be some wisdom and value to be found. I have found that living through hard times has made me get very specific about what I don't want, which makes it easier to seek out what I do. I hope that your time in the shadow land is brief, and that you learn something to your advantage while you are moving through it. While you are there it can be tempting to just focus on getting through, but try if you can to envision where you want to come out of the tunnel. Beyond pain there is more than just relief, there is laughter, joy, and love...always love. I wish for all of that for you.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
I hope you are doing well. I know this post is several days late. Be thankful there is one at all. The post is late because I've been overwhelmed lately.
So there has been some health issues in my family and I am stepping in a bit more to help out. This has left me tired both physically and mentally. At the same time it seems people in my social sphere are all going through some rough patches. Last month I was feeling grief for the past quite acutely. It has not left me, but I am currently also dealing with current issues. In times such as these where things must get done, I tend to unplug emotionally. It seems to be the way that I can cope with demands on my energy. This does of course make me less receptive to holding space for others when they are feeling tender.
I don't think I am unique in this. We all tend to dissociate from time to time if we feel things are too intense for us to handle and function, or we have breakdown. I've had those but only on the inside. I kept plugging along on my have to do list whilst I quietly freaked out behind my eyes. So in the past 2 weeks I've been less empathetic than I normally tend to be. I've not had the energy. I've come to a place where no matter what I do somebody is going to be super pissed and project their struggle onto me. I can't help that. I started to worry over it, and it was just more to carry. So I stopped and put it down. I realized I couldn't hold space for anyone else right now but myself. This had nothing to do with any personal flaw or being a bad person.
Why am I telling you this? Well there are times when we just don't have it to give of ourselves. All we can do is hold ourselves gently up and acknowledge our limits without judgment. We can't be all things all the time, nor should we. Compassion starts with the self even when we can't show up the we think we should for others.
How about you? Are you burned out from your own trauma, but expecting yourself to help others process theirs? Are you past exhaustion but piling more duties on your plate? Do you give yourself the space to hold your own feelings in compassion, or do you just do that for others? Well at some point you will stop, and in my experience it is better if you make that choice consciously rather than having it made for you. Be gentle with yourself, and forgive yourself. Those around you will do so in their own time.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, May 27, 2018
I hope you are doing well. This week like most has been full of ups and downs. Despite the downs I am moving full steam ahead to set things up for the summer. I will be on the road in August. As part of my deal with myself to try and go someplace I've never been each year, I'll be passing through some places in Wisconsin and Minnesota. I will also end up in Thunder Bay, Ontario, because this eagle is about to go international.
How do you like my first shot at a DVD cover? Personally I'd like those triangles a little longer, more isosceles and less equilateral. Still it isn't bad for just playing around. I'm working on my first professional instructional DVD and I will be teaching workshops on the road. For whatever reason this week I've just been knocking out tasks one after another. I spent so many years wishing for things to change, to have my chance, and now it feels like it is happening. The difference between now and then is how I act on things.
I remember years ago when the movie "The Secret" came out. Like many people I was in a desperate space and wanted to manifest my dreams. The formula was be grateful, visualize, and release. Sounds simple and I don't want to knock that, being able to envision the life you want is important. What so many of us leave out of it is taking steps towards that life. Acting is scary, it forces us into places where we aren't comfortable. It forces us to change up what we are doing. For someone like me who wants reassurance that where I am going and what I am doing is going to work out, that's a big challenge. I've learned though you have to start with or without that guarantee and though things rarely go to plan they usually take me where I need to be. I'm still working on the where I want to be part. My road twists and turns taking me to places I never anticipated and I'm the better for it.
I officially started my business about 8 years ago. I wish I had known the things I know now back then, but that's life. You learn as you go. Here are some of things I picked up along the way. The biggest thing is to just start. Try not to get too narrowly focused (ah my old nemesis tunnel vision). When people ask you if you do something that is bigger than what you currently do instead of saying no, say not yet. Find a way to reach people that matches your interaction style rather than trying to force yourself into a standard marketing practice. When you have an idea write it down before you forget it (because you will). Write and write often to develop your personal voice. Go out and have fun, because it is important for your well being, but all also because you may meet potential clients or experts that you need.
So why am I telling you all this? Well the energy these days seems to be stirred up, and we might as well make use of it. Dreaming is fine, but don't dream too long or you may find you've slept your life away. Wishing is fine, but it needs to be the force that drives your decisions and plans rather than an empty ideal. It's empowering to bring your ideas to life, so even if the big goals seem impossible start with some of the little ones that point in that direction. I'm still far off from what I wished for years ago, but I'm closer today than I was then.
How about you? Are you stuck where you are? Have you let your dreams fizzle into half faded wishes? Are you taking steps to bring your vision to life? Are you paying attention to opportunities around you that may move you along? Are you limiting yourself? Well if you are I'd like to encourage you to get out and try something. You don't have the bet the farm your first time out, but you can always start somewhere. We're all underway to somewhere, and while we may not be in complete control we do have some ability to steer. Try making use of it.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, May 20, 2018
I hope you had an enjoyable week. This week has been chock full of events and preparation. Last weekend I had the Louisville Spiritualists Center's event, where I helped set up and organize the healers. This week I was prepping for the Mighty Kindness and my monthly local chapter meeting for the Monroe Institute. By now you'd think I'd learn that I don't have to bring everything that I do to a festival or event, but don't I try every time.
These last few weeks I've been so emotional. Past relationships have been on my mind, those that ended either by estrangement or death. The relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind has been my relationship with self. There's been moments where I've let all self judgments and shame drop away, and in those all too brief times it feels just phenomenal to be me. In those all too fleeting moments I feel so light like I could float right off the ground. It's only with the contrast of those gifted flashes of Grace that I realize how much mental/emotional weight I am carrying around.
The truth is I have not been very kind to myself. I've been bullied, ignored, or disrespected so much that it barely registers anymore. It takes something big to get my attention. This numbing has been a primary coping mechanism, but it hasn't kept the pain out. It has normalized and then internalized it. That critical voice of authority from long ago now speaks in my own tones inside my head. I've been dragging these heavy burdens with me everywhere, it's no wonder I find so many things challenging. I've begun to think though that if I have accomplished what I have in spite of those internal torments and the chains I've been pulling along, what could I do if I found a way to set all of that aside and only carried myself.
It sounds simple, but like most simple things it isn't easy. We often internalize what we hear repeated over and over, especially if it was something we heard a lot of when we were kids. We come to believe what others say about us must be true. This is because we are social creatures, and in society what gets mirrored back to us forms our self image. Things like meditation help us to disassociate from that often false and distorted image. It can take time though, because most of that image is unconsciously generated. I'll give you an example, when I was around 14 or so I had someone I looked up to say that unless I was very handy or made lots of money nobody would ever love me. This person was very near and dear to my heart at the time. (14 year olds are not very discerning with who gets access to their self image). I went through adolescence believing that, hell up through my 20s and most of my 30s. Guess who is still single? Now of course I know on a rational level that statement is complete bullshit, but on a subconscious level I obviously still put stock in it. It's why I put up with people treating me like a nonperson. That's just one belief that did a lot of damage because instead of deciding that person was awful I continued to invest in them. I took on that burden to carry instead of carrying myself away from their influence.
Why am I telling you this? Well I have found that many of the problems we have boil down to us carrying around someone else's judgment of ourselves until we believe it is our own. Their assessment becomes our reality. We become disconnected to who we are, instead we strive to be good enough to snuff out that judgement, but it is always there in the corners of our psyche, a slow and subtle poison that steals our joy. "I'm not ____ enough. No one could ever love me. I'm not worthy. Good things are for others. I'll never get over this." There is your starter pack of lies for a cursed life.
So in the coming weeks I ask that you look at how you treat yourself. What is it you believe about yourself? Does it come from your personal experience or is it someone else's view that you have internalized? What if you were to see yourself in your own truth? What if the lies we tell ourselves were to fall away? What would you be then? What would you feel like? What would your life be like? I hope that we all set down our burdens, maybe then we can all fly somewhere together.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Happy Mothers's Day, here's a flower for you.
I have memories from a very young age. I remember being bathed in the kitchen sink at dusk by my mother. I was probably two years old at the time. My very first memory was my mother driving me home from her mother's house. There are countless thoughtful deeds she has done for me. There are also times where she missed the mark and wounded me deeply as we all do to the ones we love from time to time. There are also times where I've been ungrateful, thoughtless, and downright unfeeling. Such is the nature of family.
The primal bond between mothers and their children is the most powerful force there is in nature. I've seen it both break and cast curses. Quite simply the relationship you have with your mother will color all of your other relationships. For most of us it is a complicated relationship. When we pass into adulthood it can be difficult for both children and mothers to adapt to the new status. We can become trapped into the roles we wore growing up. Now that works both ways, adult children can also expect their parents to be the same all powerful figures from their childhood. That's assuming there was no trauma or abuse which opens up a whole new set of complications.
Mother's Day can be hard for many reasons. Maybe you've lost your mother to death. Maybe your relationship was abusive and toxic. Maybe you never knew your mother. Holidays bring out our wounds that haven't healed. As we move forward in our life we have to look after ourselves, we become our own mothers and fathers. If we can't heal our connection to our biological parents, we can work to heal our inner parental archetypes.
So why am I telling you this? Just like us, our mothers carried their own wounds and traumas. Many of them did the very best they could working through their pain to be there for us. Maybe yours did good by you or maybe she didn't. At this time it is good to acknowledge those around us that have mothered us and others. Not all mothers are related to us. Wherever I go I seem to encounter the energies of the Mother and the Grandmother, whether it is in the feel of the shade of trees or in the people I meet. There are those that care for me with that same tenderness I have been blessed to experience. So I try to judge less and love more.
How about you? What's your relationship status with your mother or her memory? Are you carrying the old hurts around with you everywhere, or have you managed to salve the wounds of the past? Do you value those among us that take care of others? Do you value your own role as caregiver? Cut the mothers in your life some slack, and if you're a mother cut yourself some slack too. Mother needs her consideration as much as her children.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, May 6, 2018
I hope you had a lovely week. It is May and the weather has finally turned to warmth. Cool breezes at night and warm sunshine in the day make this my favorite time of the year. I forget how renewing the seasons can be, and I am grateful.
So on one of the last cooler days we had, I came out to my car and a lone honeybee was on the window. It looked at me, and I looked at it. For some unknown reason I felt instantly drawn to this small creature as it looked in on me. I fully expected it to fly off after I started the car and began to drive away, but it didn't. I went in to teach my evening class fully expecting it to be gone when I came back out. It was still there. I drove home with my small companion, and the next morning it was still there. It had rained and was quite cold for the season, I was worried for the bee. Again I'm not sure why but I felt a heart connection to this little insect.
This is not the first time I have had this kind of experience with an insect. A few years back a beautiful white moth was on the patio door looking in and I could swear it was beaming unconditional love at me. I've also had strange encounters with unusually helpful birds. I've had instances where it felt like even the trees were waving hello as I walked past. Now some people would call this delusional, but in shamanic societies this would be the norm. I think we take for granted just how much we relate to our fellow organic beings. The fact that we have animals that live with us as companions, and some even do vital service for us is amazing. We're communicating across species, that's phenomenal. I can't even get decent technical help for my cellular service, and that's just because of a slight language barrier. These animals don't have thumbs and we communicate.
Human beings never got very far on their own. We are social creatures, and where it was possible we threw in our lot of with other species to advance. Think how cats and dogs have contributed to society, and what about the horse. Even in this day and age we still refer to the amount of power in our vehicles as horsepower. Indigenous cultures around the world always incorporated animals into their stories as helpful (or sometimes less than helpful) characters. This is not an accident, whether we know it or not we are in relationship with all other lifeforms around us. The nature of that relationship will determine how rich our lives become.
So why am I telling you all this? Well I think we take for granted all of our distant relations in this world. We miss out on the healing power in the song of birds. We become indifferent to the plight of the deer that seek to cross our roads. If not for a slight variance in DNA we would be them, and they us. Go back far enough and everyone and everything is related. We are individuals, but we are also part of a whole system of life. So as you go about your business notice your cohabitants. Appreciate their contribution to the vast tapestry of life around you. Are you in balance with this network? Do you honor its sacredness or do you walk asleep through artificial worlds of the human mind. Ponder, feel, look at the dizzying array of life, and be good to your distant cousins. Maybe somewhere along the way a creature or plant will reach across the biological divide to offer you exactly what you need in that moment.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, April 29, 2018
I hope this message finds you well and safe. I've been feeling blessed lately as it seems my constant efforts are finally starting to pay off. I can see the life I've dreamed of finally taking focus around me. Still there are things that remain elusive.
This year I've finally had the opportunity to consistently use my talents in session work with clients. Things are becoming more steady and I'm having to really check my calendar before I say yes to anything. I find that a good problem to have (if we want to label it a problem which I don't). I feel like I'm finally finding a rhythm with session work where I can relax into it. When I opened my practice 8 years ago (I know I can hardly believe it myself), it was kind of frustrating because each session I had to figure out what I was doing. Every single one was different, even if it was with the same client. Now when I see someone whether for the first time or as a regular client, I am used to the variability. I do have some things I check on regularly, but other than that anything can happen.
The nice thing about each session being different is that I can't get bored or complacent. Each time I see someone it is like a puzzle. Sometimes I just look at a person and I know exactly what to do, even before they arrive. Other times I have to spend a few moments finding my way into the session. Just finding out what we're working on is not always so cut and dry. People come to me for a variety of reasons, some with very specific goals or problems. However I go where I am led and that is not always where the person had intended. Whatever brought them to me may have just been a way for some other deeper pattern to be healed. There are also people that just want to have an experience and have a very soft focus. That holds a different challenge, how do you measure the success of an undefined goal?
So where do I start? Well the first thing I do is set up the space, I may be drawn to pull certain items out or burn a particular incense. This might be a clue to the work that will be done. I also select some ambient music to drown out any noise from the hall. This may also be significant (or not). Then I set up my mesa, which could be open or closed for the session. If I do open it up, how I arrange the stones and tools upon it might also clue me in to what patterns are moving in a person's life. After the space is set and the client arrives, I ask them directly how they are, and why they are here. Sometimes I move the mesa around a bit while chatting, explaining as I do so what that means. So after the chit chat, and the arranging of the space I take my first look. I see if there is anything on or around the person that is drawing my attention. Then I zero in on that and investigate, see if I need to remove something or bring something in. From there the session develops and flows, as I work I ask the client for feedback on their experience as I make adjustments in their energy field. This conversation sometimes is just to confirm with them that they can track what I'm doing, but other times the information or feelings that come up for them become the guiding force for the rest of the session. If I get stumped, I take a step back, engage the client again and ask for guidance. Now sometimes my guides and helpers just take over and just tell me what to do, which is awesome because I don't have to tax my brain as much for that. Usually the sessions that are taken over by Spirit are the most powerful ones, but not always. Sometimes the sessions where I've had to dig deep to find what is really going on are the most valuable ones. Like I said before each one is different.
So why am I telling you all this? Well I think it is important for people to get a glimpse of how I work. It is also important for you guys to know that I sometimes do get stumped. I end up doing spiritual troubleshooting half the time. It used to annoy me, but now I just see it as part of the job. It definitely keeps things interesting. A client recently asked me about whether I doubt myself ever. I told them all the time. I think that's normal and healthy as long as I don't let it get in the way of the work. If you think you know everything, you never search for more. Life may have routines but is not rote. Life is constant change and being able to figure things out on the go is important.
So how about you? Are you running too much on autopilot, or are you always reinventing the wheel? Do you examine the myriad ways in which you troubleshoot your own life every day? Do you imagine others just have the answers in hand, or are you aware that they had to flex their thinking bits? The mind can be a tremendous servant for all our work, so it is a good idea to include its many gifts where we can to help us navigate. So challenge yourself to think through things, and work with the puzzles in your life. Find your own way into the maze, and more importantly find your way through it to the other side.
Peace and Blessings,
Friday, April 20, 2018
I hope your week has treated you well. There has been change in the air. Weather continues to surprise us with seasons coming and going and coming again. I've been blessed to take part in and lead ceremonies this week.
Of late people have been talking about me. They've been saying good things. One thing that has come up several times in the past week is that people have been referring to me as powerful. I always step back from that label. It triggers me to self deprecate. I've issues with power, I prefer to be called effective. The funny thing is the 'power' animal that has been with me longest is one that is all about reclaiming and uncovering personal power.
I've said before that when you are in alignment with your true power you can't harm anyone with it. Reading that statement to myself I am aware that I fear hurting someone with power. So I set limits on myself, which often leads to me being hurt. I think our society confuses power with control. Those that pull strings, manipulate, and frighten are seen as powerful. The truly powerful inspire people towards change without force. The light within them sparks the light within others. They don't control others, they just have an effect on them. (Hence my preference for being referred to as effective). When people have an intense session with me they assume I'm in control, but it is not so. The more powerful a session, the less control I have over it, and I prefer it that way. In shamanism there is the concept of being the hollow bone. Basically you are the pathway the healing moves through not the source of it. The more I get out of the wa,y the more effective I am for those that seek me out. So when people call me powerful part of me rebels because I am not the source of that power.
I got to meet one of the Q'ero healers this past week. It was a great gift. He did several blessings and ceremonies for me. I felt the energy, but the real gift was seeing that he was like me. He was dedicated and effective, but I got to see that I was as effective in my own way. I had taken the teaching of the Q'ero to heart as well as the other pathways I follow, and it had germinated within me. I had access to the same power. So when someone called me powerful this week I replied with, "Anyone can be powerful if they are dedicated."
So why am I telling you this. Well like I said above anyone can be powerful. In fact everyone can be powerful. It just takes dedication. Your power might be in how you provide financially for your loved ones. It might be in how you nourish others with lovingly prepared food. It might be your words that soothe or inspire hearts. Your talents and insights might bring needed change. Your fortitude may be a shield for those that are afraid. Then again it might just be your presence, sometimes just showing up is powerful. As we move forward we need to expand our understanding of what it means to be powerful. We are not all warriors, nor should we all be. So in this time of change, when light and dark spar through our societies, it is important to remember that we can be powerful and effective. It is our mission to cultivate that light we have inside, if we do so the power we need will be provided.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, April 15, 2018
I for once am getting my blog out before the weekend is over. It seems these past few months it has been a struggle to get it done with everything going on. I'm not complaining, for the most part I have been pleasantly occupied and building good foundations to support my future endeavors.
This past week I launched a new service on my site aimed at prosperity. I have had an abundance energy download on my site for a long time which is a good product, but I believe abundance is just half of the equation when it comes to financial success. One of things I've discovered is that abundance is tied to nature, and nature is rife with it. It is the normal state of living things. While scarcity does happen in the cycle, it is temporary and the system of life has so much built into it that if an organism plans well and manages their energies they can thrive. That is where prosperity comes into play. I think of prosperity as what we do with the abundance of the world. It is our interaction pattern which will determine whether we thrive and 'prosper' or if we'll struggle along.
Most of us have gotten a lot of negative ideas about money passed down from our families. Some of us have patterns from old soul agreements laid down in former lives. We also culturally have a dubious relationship with money because of its very visible misuse in our governments and societies. For those of us in the healing arts, we are often shamed for thinking about our work as something that should profit ourselves. One of my shamanic teachers told me that we don't go to the same level of energy to solve a problem, we either go a level down or a level up from it. The energetic blueprint of our finances often has distortions around it at the level of the mind, which recruits energy from our emotional body to reinforce it, which then directs how we see and act upon opportunity. Well to bypass that I came up with a method that addresses our agreements around money and prosperity at the level of the soul.
I accidentally came upon this idea during a client session that had very consistent blocks with money that we couldn't seem to address any other way. Afterwards I thought I should do the process on myself, so I did. Then I spent the next 6 months beta testing it before I put it out on the market. I learned a lot during that time. I was amazed at how people were so different in their approach to wealth. As far as how it showed up for me: I was offered more classes and clients, I became more visible professionally in holding leadership positions, and I became less scared at investing and spending money. I stopped feeling so trapped by money and started using it more effectively. Do I still have limiting thoughts and feel in the space of lack, yes I do, but I also have a contract with Spirit and my own soul about how I want my relationship with money to be. So whenever I choose to do something in alignment with that, it creates more of that energy. So yes I am tooting my own horn here because I am proud of the work I do.
So why am I telling you all this? Well I want everyone to do well. We get locked into thinking patterns and while I don't want people to suppress their thoughts or feelings, I think it is good to check out from spirals that only take you down. At the same time, I don't believe in punishing yourself for not having "manifesting mind patterns". We are all going to have times where we just don't feel the magic and we eat from the table of scarcity economics. I think it is more a sum of our habitual patterns of thought and deed that matter. We have to learn when to risk and when to play it safe. There is no right way to go about a prosperous life because there are no two people exactly alike. I do think that there is a unique way for each of us to find our prosperity, and I'm excited when someone does. It gives us another positive role model when that happens.
So how about you? Do you constantly say no to opportunity out of habit? Do you overlook your own potential? Do you refuse a gift or help when offered? Well maybe you should stop that shit and follow through on your dreams. Maybe you should formulate some ideas and start building towards them. I can shower you with manifesting energy, but you have to actually sprinkle it over the events of your life to make good. I hope you do. I hope you prosper, because when we all do well, we all do well.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, April 8, 2018
I hope your week was good and full. You may have been a bit more fortunate and actually have had spring, it's been uncharacteristically absent for me so far this month. I am eager to welcome the warmer times of the year...soon.
These past two weeks I've been getting back to basics with clients. When I officially opened my healing practice eight years ago I was leaning heavily on my shamanic techniques, specifically the mesa. I've kept that as part of my toolkit, but I'd ventured more into quantum tracking and transformational energy healing. Lately the mesa practice has been taking center stage again and I am excited to see where I am with it this time around.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a mesa is simply a collection of sacred stones wrapped in a cloth. It is a portable altar. When you create a mesa, it is you. It is your heart's fire. So working with the heart is extremely important. I have been working a lot on mine so as the mesa practice becomes more prominent I am noticing things are flowing differently for me.
This week I had some depossession work come to my office. I was helping to remove entities and stray energies out of a person so that they could heal and embody more of their own soul's essence. Well I encountered what I refer to as a Mr. Grumpy Pants. I knew it was one because of the client's reports of terror and then rage. Those are two big indicators of a Mr. Grumpy Pants type of being. In shamanic circles they are often called suffering beings or the suffering ones. In more European cultures they refer to them as something else (I bet you can guess what). Now the reason I call them a Mr. Grumpy Pants (I suppose it could Ms. as well but I've never checked under the hood for that distinction) is that I don't want to attach any extra fear or give them an aura of power that they've not earned. In the Andean tradition there is no good or evil only light and heavy. A Mr. Grumpy pants is an entity that carries a lot of heaviness with it. This is no fun for anyone including them. You see a depossession is not just a healing of the client, but also of the energies that are stowing away in them. The spirits I work with take them away for their own healing and restoration.
I don't know why but this week when I encountered pants with a bit of the grump in them I had a different reaction than in the past. Usually I am very firm and somewhat annoyed. As my client was telling me about their experience I had compassion beaming out of my heart. I pretty much stayed in that space for the whole session. It made everything so much easier. It made taking direction from spirit flow effortlessly. I have had other sessions in the past where tremendous healing has occurred and the common thread in them seems to be that my heart was open and the compassion of Spirit came through and bathed the room in that energy. So while I do believe that learning and perfecting different techniques is important, it is the heart and the compassion that it generates which causes the most profound shifts.
So why am I telling you this? Well I was pretty jazzed up about the session, as was my client. Finding that compassionate space in my heart and allowing my helpers through was as healing for me as it was for the client. We have a lot of cultural ideas built around the idea that love is a struggle. Love is not a battlefield, it is not a fight, it is a space of flow without agenda. Coming into a situation with compassion transforms the nature of the interaction, whether it is with friend or perceived foe. It can be hard to do sometimes, but when you succeed it is very powerful. Power is not always about struggle and overcoming, it can be equally about embracing and aligning.
So how about you? Are you falling into battle rather than falling into love? Do you defuse conflicts with your wild wide open heart? Do you glory in your opponents defeat or do you look for the win win? Do you see emotions and sweetness as weak? If you do remind me to introduce you to the Ocean Mother sometime, so loving, so giving, and yet one of the most powerful forces on the planet. The power of love is not just an inspiration for pop songs, it is the raw power of all life. So drink deeply from the power of life and until next week.
Peace and Blessings,
Monday, April 2, 2018
Happy Easter/Passover or (insert spring festival celebration here). Hope you had a festive weekend filled with good company and good food. I've been watching the tell tale signs of new growth coming across the land despite a colder spring. Weather can be capricious, but then so can I.
Systems range from highly ordered to highly disordered. The best ones in my opinion fall somewhere in the middle. Too much order and you get stagnation, too much disorder and everything falls apart. I am the disorder in a system. It's part of my role, mischievous me, trickster in training. I like to see how the pieces of a pattern fit together. I like to push against those places that have too much order. Fun and games help me balance this nature so that I don't become too destructive.
I would like to add that I'm not against rules, I'm just against ones that make no sense. When I encounter those, if I can get around them it makes me feel warm and tingly inside. Well I got that chance this week. I had an appointment with a friend at their studio for some bodywork. They were going to set me on fire (metaphorically speaking) in the name of alchemical science. I probably should have used the bathroom at my office before I left, but I didn't want to be late. So I arrived hoping to use the facilities. Unfortunately the one good bathroom was off of the event room and it was booked that day. Now technically there is another bathroom, but it's well how do I put it, a bit murdery. It makes me think of horror movies and getting shanked while I am answering nature's call. So we set off on an epic quest to find a bathroom that had less homicidal overtones.
We wandered far over concrete stairs, and unfinished floors twisting round and round the expansive space, encountering Lovecraftian corridors. We found no bathrooms, but did uncover a back way into the event room which happened to be empty at the time. My friend looked at me and I said, "Oh we are so Nancy Drewing this." So the quest was complete, the promised bathroom found, and we got away with it too with none the wiser.
So why am I telling you about this tale of plumbing and sneaking? Well a lot of us get caught up on the "rules". It is important to remember that just because a rule exists doesn't automatically make it right. There is a long history that continues to this day of laws that are downright cruel. Order can be just as destructive as chaos. It can kill you as surely as chaos can, the pathway is just different. There are times when for your own good or the good of others you have no choice but to break the rules. Do yourself a favor, do not over internalize rules, they exist as a framework for the common good. When they aren't functioning that way they need to be changed.
Peace and Blessings,
P.S. Do pick up your dog's poop though, I mean that's just rude when you don't. It spreads diseases when it isn't disposed of properly.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
I hope this weekend finds you well. I've had a busy ten days. It's almost like more than a month's activity was packed into those few days. I once again raised my drum and honored the changing wheel of the season to welcome in the spring.
So at the very gates of spring, it was freakin freezing. I guess it was in the 40s...barely, but it was also misting rain. The kind of cold rain that gets into your bones. It made my hands numb and so my drumming was not as steady as usual. I worried a bit about this, however I decided that the important thing was that I showed up. Most spirits understand that our bodies come with some limitations. If you have guides that don't get that and are demanding unrealistic feats from you, then you need to fire them from your team.
This week I am noticing the longer days. I am also seeing how erratic the changeover in seasons seems to have become in the past decade. I recall much smoother transitions from my child hood. Our first day of spring coincided with 7 inches of snow in the evening. It was beautiful and thankfully didn't stick to the roads too badly, a rare combination. Those on my prayer list got the benefit of two prayers this week, one for the equinox and one for the Friday ceremony. Both were seasonally themed towards renewal. On top of that my drumming got the extra mojo from the medicine bundle of the local shamanic weather circle. It's the red one in the picture above.
Mostly what I've been feeling lately is lucky. I am well fed, sheltered, clothed, in reasonably good health, and I work in fields that I love. I also have good people around me. This has been a long process to come into that combination of factors. It has taken effort, but so much of the credit has been the grace of good fortune. The chance meetings, information showing up when I needed it, and opportunities landing at the perfect time have all been huge blessings. Stepping back and noticing these things is important; it is way too easy to focus on what is lacking or imperfect. Our minds are programmed to scan for problems so it is up to us to reframe our situations. I've been looking forward to this spring for months. I've got many things lined up for the coming seasons. Winter was a turn inwards and now I get to reemerge into the world and share what I've been incubating. I've had a new healing method go through testing since the fall which should be out in a month, I'll have a Chi Kung video out this summer, and I will be putting together another day long workshop to present locally. There is a lot of living to be had in the coming months and I am looking forward to it.
So why am I gabbing on about fortune and stuff. Well the universe gives us some circumstances that we have no control over, but many instances of luck simply require us to show up. So it is important to show up when we can, in whatever state we are in. If we show up with a willing heart many wonderful things can happen. So I challenge you to show up. I challenge you to recognize where circumstances have served you. I challenge you to find the perfection that exists in a moment in time. They are there for the taking I promise.
Peace and Blessings,
Monday, March 19, 2018
I know this post is late. I have had a month's worth of activities packed into one week. Since the commitment to blog was made to myself, I can on occasion relax my rules about getting a post out exactly on the nose.
After many months of anticipation I had the distinct pleasure of taking a workshop with Justice Bartlett. I first saw her at a Matrix Energetics Seminar in 2008. She was dressed as Batgirl. (It happened to be Halloween weekend). She became entangled in my first access point into the quantum field of wizardry. About 2 years ago she was supposed to teach a workshop up in Indianapolis, which I was interested in attending but it fell through. I toyed with the idea of bringing her to Louisville for over a year, and then finally approached her about it this past fall. Apparently the timing was just right, so this past weekend she taught a 2 day class at the Louisville Spiritualist Center.
As you can see above we had a good time. Identity and how we enfold ourselves in the stories we believe about who we are can become rigid. So we had to make up a new persona, with a story. My persona was Madame Miseur Locke. I don't know why but they were bigendered. While we were on our lunch break though I began to ponder that having both the masculine and feminine represented in this alternate persona was significant. I have talked before in this blog about my struggles in redefining masculinity in sacred and profane terms. The women's movement has made great strides in redefining women's roles, but men's roles and identities seem to be stuck in the past. While discussing a traumatic experience that two other participants had, I was curious as to how it manifested differently for them as one was a man and the other a woman. The woman had been shamed.
This is not surprising. We tend to project our shame onto the feminine in this culture. Well I don't know how I got to the next bit of insight, but I started thinking about the myth of Adam and Eve. Eve of course was blamed for the fall of humankind banned from the bliss of the garden for listening to the serpent and eating from the tree of knowledge. I started to play with the story a bit. The traditional interpretation blames her for staining us with original sin, a shame that can only be washed away by a savior that encourages ritualized cannibalism. I reached a different conclusion. Eve gave us free will. She gave us self direction. Before, we were in our primal animal states only, the act of choosing her own will over an authority's made her and by extension her descendants human. That's not to say we don't have our animal nature's now, but we also have something else, that human streak of sometimes having a mind of our own. So instead of the original sinner we have Eve Liberator of Humanity. She's practically the feminist Prometheus.
So why am I telling you this and promoting heresy (besides it being one of my favorite past times)? Well it's important to look at the stories that run our lives and our cultures. Look at them with fresh eyes or maybe with a pair of flower opera glasses like Madame Miseur Locke. Would I have leapt to this new interpretation without personifying a dual gendered being for an exercise? It is hard to say for sure, but by unifying two sides of a continuum I got a fresh perspective.
So how about you? Can you hold the polar sides of the scale simultaneously in your awareness? How does that change you or your perspective? What spin does it put on the stories and scripts you've been living by? Play a bit, stretch your concept of who you are in the moment. See what insights can arise.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, March 11, 2018
I hope your week was rewarding. I was certainly kept on my toes. It's never a dull moment at the Casa de Mooneagle.
Apparently everybody I know this week was getting hammered (and no I don't mean they were drunk). I had a lot of people in crisis mode all at the same time. I'm often found at the eye of the storm. Not that I never have my own crisis, but I tend to keep that under wraps. I tend to dance in that space between and lend a hand where I can. There are times though where I just can't. There is only so much Mooneagle to go around.
If you have received my voicemail message a bunch this week, I apologize. The phone has been on airplane mode so that I can recharge and handle what is in front of me. The troubles of the world will still be there when I turn it back on. This is something I had to learn. Before I would just go go go until I crashed. I mean I still do that a bit, but I am starting to realize it and counter it in small ways. Yesterday I said no to doing a depossession because with all the events I have in the next ten days I knew I didn't have it. Well okay I could have squeezed it in, but not without completely exhausting myself. This has been a hard lesson to learn. Just because I am put here to be of service, does not mean I can't set up reasonable limits and boundaries on my efforts.
So why am I droning on about this? Well it is important to set limits with your energy. Other people won't do it believe you me. Last week I had 5 sessions in one day plus my weekly ceremony. That was about my limit. As my business grows I am having to place limits on myself or I will book myself into a sick bed. It used to be more the province of the self employed and entrepreneurs, but with mobile technology, employees are getting to the point where they are never out of reach of their work. I find it quite horrifying that people I know will get calls from work while they are away on vacation. They will even email work to them.
So how about you? Are you placing limits on your output? What about to your loved ones? What about to those things you think you "should" do? What about to those people who "need" you? So many of us try to make ourselves indispensable so that people won't leave us. When we do that though we trap ourselves in roles of servitude. Yes we should lend a hand when we can. Yes we should be valuable to those around us, but we do nobody any service when we make ourselves a savior. So start setting some limits here and there. You have my permission. The world will not fall down if you decide to take the evening off or have a nap. However you may just fall down if you don't.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, March 4, 2018
I hope you've had a great week. I got through the floods we've had here just fine. I hope those of you on the east coast managed to make it safely through the storm from the last few days. The full moon came through and was kicking a lot of people in sensitive zones. I actually feel a bit of relief with this moon, but prior to it I've been getting kicked around too.
In one of my conversations with a good friend about the idea of enlightenment, I came to the conclusion that I just need to let it go. I need to let go of the idea of being well adjusted. I don't see myself as particularly well adjusted particularly when it comes to social and personal relationships. I simply don't fit the recognized societal patterns of interactions, and I'd been beating myself up for it for a long time. I mean I know I"m weird, hell I like weird things. You would think I wouldn't have the problem being the weird person in any given situation. That is sadly not the case. Our deep seated needs for belonging really get in the way of not caring about conformity.
I am fortunate in that people in my family tend to be long lived. I still have one living grandparent in her 90s. It is through the stories my grandmother has told me that I've realized that being normal is a relatively new thing. She remembers the time before television. She grew up during the great depression in a rural town. The stories she tells were often about the different quirks of the people (and of herself too) that she grew up around. To me it seems like people back then were less concerned about being into "normal" things and more about what they were interested in personally. There was radio, but they didn't have TV and the internet constantly reinforcing a particular paradigm.
This is not to say there was no concern about what the neighbors thought. She grew up on a farm in a small town where everybody knew everyone's business. The difference was they didn't have as many cultural media references telling them what the norms for everyone was. It was more local. In sociology there is a study that tracks happiness in the US with bowling. The more we bowled as a nation the happier we were. Now when television came along people stayed in more and watched other people do things. Besides the ads there was the more subtle but also more insidious product placement. Those TV homes have their couches, appliances, and fashions for the cast. TV became our culture, and we started comparing our lives to our fictional counterparts. Well as you know comparing our lives with others always makes us happier.....not.
So why am I telling you this? Well for good or ill, in times past people were left more to their own devices. They had to investigate and find out what worked for them. They didn't seem to worry about being "well adjusted", they were good if they had a family and a friend or two. Between social media, movie and films, and the obsession of self improvement it is difficult to just appreciate yourself where you are in this moment. For that reason I'm letting go of having to be well adjusted. I don't need it to deserve love and respect. I don't need it to be worthy of making a good living. I don't need it to avoid being punished by a jealous deity after my physical form dies.
How about you? What self improvement treadmill has you running in eternal circles simply to become worthy of self love? I'm not saying we should never improve, grow, or change. I am saying we shouldn't with hold our self respect and love for ourselves until we reach some obligatory standard (which may be nebulously defined or unhealthy). Love yourself where you are, not ten pounds from now, not after a promotion, not after you've achieved more. Honor and care for yourself as you are, and see what happens.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, February 25, 2018
I hope you have had a pleasant week. I've been watching the maple trees begin to put out their little blossoms. I've also worked a psychic fair for the first time in a few years.
It has been about seven years since I had worked a fair. I'd never done particularly well at them in the past. Besides that I used to get rather annoyed when I would just sit there knowing I was extra "switched on" that day. So I stopped doing them (aside from assisting in a friend's booth that is), and only booked private readings. It is unusual that I do more than one reading in a day. It is more typical that I do more healing work with a reading peppered in here and there. It's funny, I started my practice by giving readings. I thought that is all I would do, but now it is something that has become one of my more occasional services.
It is easy for me to forget how vulnerable it can feel be to be read. Doing this fair was a good reminder for me. Holding a space of compassion is probably the most important thing I can do for someone whether they are receiving a reading or a transformational energy session. People come to me at the crossroads of life. They are often afraid or desperate. It is my job to meet them where they are and give aid. I forget how magical (or scary) this can seem to people. I often get people who've never had a reading before, or someone will send me their child to read. I take that as a privilege from Spirit that I would be trusted to usher somebody through their first experience.
Readings often are people's first brush with mystical energies. For many that may be as deep as they want or need to go. It's the hint of the pattern that underlies events. Occasionally I feel a bit of that too as I see the signs come into recognizable shapes. A reading is just a snapshot of a moment in time that gives you the direction of the currents that are rushing our lives along. Still it is nice to step back and see the wonder in it. So I shall do a few fairs here and there just to reach out into the world.
Why am I telling you this? Well our own patterns and experience can sometimes become so habitual we miss the mystery in them. We can forget what it is we have to offer the world. We can cocoon ourselves in our life and stop reaching out. It is tempting because it feels safe, but by doing so we truly do miss out on becoming part of the larger tapestry of lives. So if you've kept your talents hidden or quartered off I invite you to occasionally share them with the world. Show people what you can do. You might just hold the answer to the problem someone has been struggling with.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, February 18, 2018
It's been another week marred by an all too familiar tragedy here in the States. Another mass shooting has claimed the lives of children and adults.
I am not going to talk much about gun control or the insanity of our hands off policy towards firearms in this country. I wrote that post last year. There is no need to repeat myself. What I am going to focus on is how we are being manipulated into boxes. The attempt to frame this issue by vested interests (cough...NRA) is that any action is an attempt to take guns away from everyone. So it puts any sort of gun control into a defensive crouch having to say no we aren't interested in disarming most of you. This has actually pushed me into an extreme myself of no guns at all. Of course that is what the tactic is designed to do, push people to the extremes, especially the other side. That way you can yell, "You see I knew that's what they really wanted the whole time. I was right!"
As human beings we often fall into the trap of 'either or' thinking. You are either with me or against me, you are either anti abortion or pro abortion, you are either anti drugs or a junkie, or the tired current model of you're either for no limits on firearms or you're trying to take away everyone's guns. This my way or the highway thinking ends all of us stranded by the side of the road going nowhere. I have found when faced with a problem there is often a third solution that is neither of the extremes, but better than either approach. See just like you I want things my way. That works if I am absolute ruler of reality and all are my subjects and obedient to my will. This has yet to occur in my lifetime. Sometimes I do get my way, but often I do not. However there is more than just my way or your way, there is our way. Considering how interconnected we are in this digital world we are in dire need of "our way."
I think as a society particularly here in the U.S. we've forgotten how to listen to one another. We are so concerned with getting our own way, that there is no collective way. So here we sit with another fresh tragedy to bring our differences to the forefront. I don't believe this is inevitable. What I and all of us must do is to realize that there must be some other way that is neither your way nor my way, but a way that works for all of us. (Well most of us). Whenever I've been caught between two unpleasant extremes when it seemed there were only two options I always found a third way. So I guess this week what I am saying is there is always a third option, that neither side sees until they look for it.
So why am I telling you this? Well if you live in the States you desperately need to hear it. If you live elsewhere perhaps you can apply this third way thinking to some personal problem. Simply start with the conviction that there has to be another way besides these two. Once you begin to operate under that frame of mind you'll be surprised at what presents itself to you. Try it out after all, there is no time like the present.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, February 11, 2018
No suggestive pictures or catchphrases this week, alas I know you were waiting to be shocked. This week was all about noticing the world around me and how I'm interacting on multiple levels. Weather was the big teacher this week.
About midway through the week we had freezing rain. It didn't stick to the roads, but it did coat the trees and bushes with a layer of ice. The forest wore crystal. I went to visit a loved one who was recovering from a stay in the hospital. As I stepped out, I noticed the air. It seemed somehow white, full of something. It was cold but it brought freshness rather than the cloying bite that winter air usually holds. The quality of light and sound seemed crisp and invigorating. In short it smelled of magic.
Now when I talk of magic it makes some people uncomfortable. People both want to believe in it, but are worried about looking foolish for doing so. There is also some confusion as to what magic could be. What people mean when they say it depends as much on who they are, as to what it may actually be. I associate it with the deep mysteries of life, deeper meanings of the soul, and the power to create. For me it is about a feeling rather than an idea. What I had forgotten is that nature creates it. The turn of the seasons, the weather, and the rising and setting of the sun and moon; all of them generate the deeper currents of our life. Life will, if we let it, create magic of its own accord. It is up to us flow with it, and occasionally shape it towards an end that our heart yearns for.
It is easy to forget that true power is in the world and our response to it. We cordon ourselves off from it, and lead digital lives behind screens. I've been told time and again that the digital world does not hold the nourishment that my body, mind, or soul needs. It is the random world of leaf, trunk, and footpath that holds the wonder that I seek. The breath of magic is the inhalation of forest air, of the mountains' mist, the sea breeze, or the brisk dry air of desert wind. I must unplug to seek it.
So why am I telling you this? Well the confusion of the mind can keep us from seeing the magic around us. How often do you walk while you text? Do you walk or jog with headphones? Do you prefer the predictability of a treadmill and a screen rather than the outside air? Winter is not my season. It might not be yours either, but there is magic in it. Every part of nature holds wonder if you can find the right way to see it. While I was enamored by the super blue blood moon for it's symbolic power, I have come to realize that the crystalline forest and the first stirrings of the trees around me hold a greater energy. Nature is magical, the interplay of life and death, and the interdependency of all things as they move together in synchrony. Go outside, take a deep breath, feel the rhythm of living things and you will breathe in magic.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, February 4, 2018
I hope you had a good week. If you can tell by the picture mine was a bit out of the ordinary. While I freely admit that the pose is mine, the caption and words were added by a friend. This was the first thing I saw when I went to our game night. It was posted on the door, apparently they were having a surprise birthday party for me. Surprise!
I should probably back up and explain things a bit. First, I don't have a podcast...yet. Secondly the whole pussy picture happened because of a conversation with a friend of mine who was happy that she could talk about vagina with me and not have me go "Eww gross vaginal issues!" We got to talking about the word vagina and of course it's buddy penis. I've never really cared for either word it's like they clinically designed them to sound like an unpleasant infection. Having known people in the tantra tradition I am familiar with the sanskrit terms which I like better, yoni and lingam respectively. Yoni sounds like a dessert you'd order at a fancy restaurant. "Yes I'd like the spiced yoni with honey. Does that come with lingam?"
Some of you may find this type of talk very uncomfortable. Well it's about to get even crazier. I don't know how it happened but my mind started thinking of Voltron. For those unfamiliar Voltron, it's a bunch of lion shaped vehicles that join up to make a giant robot that fights monsters. It was really big in the 80s as a cartoon, and I even got a Voltron for Christmas one year. Of course instead of lion robots I was thinking of lingam and yoni joining up to became a tantric warrior robot. I couldn't think of the word for the tantric embrace at the time so we started to just call it Pussytron. We did eventually find the actual word ,yab-yum, but Yabyumtron just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.
Now conversations about topics like the one above happen quite frequently between my friends just as much as the deep esoteric "spiritual" conversations. Sometimes we weave in and out of more serious reflections interspersed with sexual humor. Considering what's going on in our culture right now though a Pussytron would be useful to combat all the blatant sexism and shaming of women. That said, this is why if and when I try my hand at podcasting it would not be something you could listen to at the office, or around the kiddos (or your mother). I have been trying to avoid the pitfalls of the guru/healer/mystic persona. It puts you up on a pedestal and pretty soon you start believing the hype, and then your ego takes it from there. So I delight in poking holes in the notion of what a person in the spiritual arts business is like. It is also more genuine, I find humor is one of my strengths. As for why my humor is often sexual, well sex is such a taboo topic that humor seems the safest way to approach it. Do we need to have real conversations around it, absolutely, but we also have to learn to not take ourselves so seriously. The Pussytron conversation had me laughing like I hadn't laughed in months. At this time of the year where the gray days really weigh heavy on me, anything that lightens my heart is appreciated.
So why am I telling you this? Well, it is a shout out to the awesome friends that put together an impromptu themed surprise birthday party for me complete with Voltron hats sporting the pussy logo. It is also a reminder that life doesn't always have to be a chore. We've created a word in the past few years "adulting" meaning getting the drudgery of life done. We associate being an adult with just having to put up with things. We have squashed our dreams down so we can adult. I'm not saying that we don't have obligations, but I am saying that adulthood is not just about obligation. It is about taking responsibility for charting your course and creating your life. So when I do podcast it will be for adults, and it will be fun.
So how about you? Did you leave your sense of humor in your schooldays? Do you take appropriateness too far? Are you trying too hard to be respectable? Well stop it I say! Get on board the Pussytron and let's fight the dark forces together...laughing all the way.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Here we are the last week of the first month of the new year. We're just about 1/12 of the way through the year. Time flies right?
This week has been about making it easy for myself. The flu has been circulating around the gym where I teach and I had been feeling under the weather. I made the call to not swim and not strain myself. So most of my activity this week has been due to my Tai Chi classes and Qi Gong workshop. It is winter after all and January through February tends to be when my personal rhythms are the slowest. Trying to keep moving and productive often results in burnout and depression. If I do get sick during this time frame I start thinking that I am probably dying. When that happens I just remind myself it's late January, I always think I'm dying in late January.
Structure tends to help with moods in the darker seasons, but since I am mostly self employed it is up to me to provide it. I sometimes make the mistake over scheduling myself in a way that in the summer might be just fine, but in the winter leaves me exhausted. There are times when people ask me if I want to do something and I am tempted to make up some other obligation so I can just stay in and relax with a book. It's actually good for me to have some of that empty time, particularly in these low ebb months. I like company and people to a point. After that point, well I remember one time I threw someone out of my friend's house because I was done with people for the night. (My friend thanked me for it later).
Society treats people like mechanisms rather than biological organisms. We have to be responsive to the environmental conditions we find ourselves in. We are not clockwork automatons, but living creatures with needs that vary from one season to the next. We have been brought up to believe in the myth of the "busy", idle hands and all that nonsense. There is a time for doing and a time for being. If you cut out or cut short the being time, the doing is not going to be done quite so well.
So why am I telling you this? Well you may be trying to barrel full steam ahead against the needs of your body and mind. Now while you may have little control over your work schedule, you certainly have much more over your personal life. It may require you to disappoint some folks, but you never know they may take a page out of your playbook and give themselves permission to just be. Other than your true obligations (work, caregiving, etc...) you really have a lot more leeway than you think. So I say don't plan anything if you don't feel like it. If people press you because you have that sudden opening just say you have an appointment. The appointment could be you, the couch, and a warm blanket, but that's your business not theirs. Take care of yourself and your time. If you don't no one else will.
Peace and Blessings,
Monday, January 22, 2018
This week I had the opportunity to witness winter. Right now I am witnessing the thaw which I am grateful for, but the snow did have its own teachings.
The thing about snow is that it shows your path. Well it shows everybody's path and if the snow lasts for a while it visually depicts our path through time. It was interesting coming across my own prints. I walked a pretty regular route during the frozen week, a slightly shorter walk for our dog. As I came across my own tracks again and again, I thought of how we all move through similar patterns across time. How many times had I walked in this exact same place. Each time I walked I was at a different point in my life's timeline tied together by this path.
January is a month where I sometimes struggle with seasonal depression, but I also mark the new year by seeing how far I've come (or not come) since the last time I trudged through this typically cold and gray month. I tend to move slowly (some might say glacially slow) towards goals. I also don't seem to move in a straight line. There is a lot of retreading the same ground. The snow was quite good at pointing out where I'd been before. In my life I've had the same issues come up repeatedly which also makes me question how much I've really grown and matured.
The snow had one more thing to show me though. Not wishing to mar the pristine surface more than I had to during one peaceful walk with the puppy, I decided to step in my own footprints. This was a much more challenging prospect than I had thought. Even though I was trying to match my own stride consciously, it was near impossible to step into the exact same configuration I'd previously walked. Even when I did step into my own prints it wasn't the same. The pressure would be slightly off on one part of the foot or the other. It soon became clear that I couldn't repeat myself even if I tried. For some reason this gave me comfort. I think it is because I kept seeing the same signposts along my personal journey I got discouraged that nothing had changed. Well it was quite cheering to know that even if I tried to it was not possible to repeat myself exactly. There were always going to be tiny variations in the stream of time.
Why am I telling you this? Well some of you may have vowed that this year was going to be the year that you were going to make sweeping changes in your life. If you are like many others, this is about the time where resolutions lose their steam. I'd say take heart though, things will be different even if just slightly. Each moment is new and unique. That is the secret of time. Each second is a jewel that will never be held again. We often get overwhelmed when we try to account for the larger patterns we wish to contend with in our life's path. What is a path though but a series of footprints? Each moment a new footprint is unique even when it crosses the same landscape. What if we gave ourself the freedom to simply walk our path without judgment? What if we honored the little things we noticed along the way? Try it for a bit and see what comes forward.
Peace and Blessings,
Friday, January 12, 2018
Welcome to the post holiday blahs. For me the tree is still up but the lights are off. It will come down this weekend. Currently the white death is falling outside, or at least that is what the TV forecasters frame it as: Snowmageddon, Snowpochalypse, or the Great White Death Storm, although that last one sounds more like a white supremacist metal band if I think about it.
Lately my posts haven't been as visceral, they've felt more like assignments that I have to get done. This happened to me before when I was working on my first book. It's not surprising that as I contemplate my second book I'm feeling the well running dry. However there is more to the story than that. When I committed myself to writing each week, I was recuperating from heart break due to the ending of a core relationship in my life. In the past three months, I've parted ways with several people and I've not talked about it on here. I didn't want to air my dirty laundry for the world, but in suppressing my feelings my creativity has similarly suffered.
I tend to love my friends fiercely. I think this is due to the fact that growing up I had few if any friends. Being generally liked was never part of my experience. It still comes as a shock when random people are kind to me. So when I forge a friendship I am loathe to give it up, because of this I tend to quietly put up with a lot more bullshit than most people do.
I had a group of friends I would get together with for fun and games. It had been going on for a few years, but for the last two I found myself existing more and more on the periphery. I'd go to gatherings and say hello and I'd barely get a word in. I'd be talked over, around, or simply ignored. I sometimes left with less than a paragraph of actual dialogue between myself and others. I started to bring other people to the gatherings so I wouldn't feel so lonely and it worked for a short while. I was ignored while people checked their text messages, twitter, and Facebook. I started noticing that the rest of the group was out together at a movie or other event when I got online and saw their check ins. For a while I rationalized this, maybe it was a spur of the moment thing, but it kept happening.
This went deeper than not getting enough invites. After a decade of trying to get my artwork out into the world I was in two gallery shows this fall. Nobody from that group came to either of them, they barely acknowledged I had something important happen. When I published my book not a single one of them came to my first local book signing which literally took place around the corner from their house. They never attended any of my events (which were free). In short, they had no interest in my life. I was their mascot. Something to trot out like a curiosity. This was shown to me clearly when I sought out a secondary group to get my gaming fix met. This second group made me realize how unhappy I'd been, because they cared not just about me but about everyone in the group. They showed up at my openings. They talked with me and with each other. They put their FUCKING PHONES DOWN!!! It was this shining of example of engagement that demonstrated how much I didn't belong in the other group.
I decided I would slip away quietly. I just wouldn't be available to the faux friends as much. So I began to reel my energy back in. Well they must have felt it because they latched onto some drama to pull me back in. I will sum it up. They wanted my help to attack someone online for the ignorant thing they'd done. I refused. They attacked me. Another friend intervened letting them know I had been upset with them. They promised to work on it so they could fix the relationship. It was ending prior to this blow up, but in my mind it was officially over the moment they publicly attacked me. I did give them a final chance and went to one last gathering. It embodied everything I had felt in the past year or so, nothing had changed. Before the drama explosion I had known the truth, there was no place for me there. The drama just hammered the point home.
This is probably the most detailed personal rant I've given. Let me be clear I don't hate anyone in the group that I left, I just didn't belong there. This is not the first time I've found myself in the center of a group I didn't really belong in. I've seen this pattern repeat every so often for about two decades. Each time though it has gotten less intense. The first time it happened I nearly died, because I hung on to the group identity long past the time when it turned toxic. I tried to make do with people and I let myself be hurt in the process. What was interesting about the pattern this time was that the initial decision to disentangle came from seeing the example of something better. I almost got out of this situation drama free, and I tried to be adult about it. I didn't add anything to the drama except my frustration that their had to be any in the first place. I let others do the heavy lifting when it came to tearing down the structure. I just lit the match once the debris pile was ready.
Why am I telling you this? Well to be honest I needed to vent, but I also realize that many of you are in similar situations. Many of you have stayed in hurtful relationships or situations because you just didn't want to bring it all crashing down. In staying though you have lit a beacon for all types of disrespect and abuse. I just let myself be numb to it so I could have the illusion of belonging. I was lucky enough to have true belonging come to me whilst I was still partially engaged in that illusion. Most of the time we don't find anything until we let go of what we stubbornly are trying to hold onto. We worry about being cast as the one who burned the bridges.
So how about you? Where are you sticking around long past your welcome? Are you miming the part of belonging even though it is slowly draining your life away? Are you afraid of going it alone? Well in the words of Aerys Targaryen I say, "Let them all burn." You are not the ones who hosed the structure of your relationship down with noxious and flammable materials. You are simply the one with the matches. Be like the cat in the picture above, riding the unicorn of righteous fury, delivering the rainbow, and breathing fire. Sometimes you have to raze the old structures of your life if you want fertile ground to plant new dreams in. Don't let fear stop you. Let all the false things in your life burn. What's left when the ashes fall away is what matters.
Peace and Blessings,