I had meant to have this posting done yesterday so I wouldn't have to bring my work with me on the road. Alas it was not meant to be. Here I sit in my hotel room typing away to you dear readers.
I have been reflecting on the past as the winter sputters out into a most anticipated spring. My twenties have been on my mind. Mostly as a wasted opportunity. I had so much upheaval in my early twenties that I spent most of the second half putting the pieces back together. I seemed to conjure one adversarial conflict after another. Person after person reaffirmed how unworthy I was reinforcing a very negative self image.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all my unworthy adversaries. Thank you to the teachers who said I had no talents or gifts. Without you I may not have become a true artist. Thank you to the people who called me ugly. Without you I may have never found my beauty. Thank you to the bullies who tormented me. Without you I might not have found my power. Thank you to the boss that acted like you owned me. Without you I would never have found my true worth. Thank you to the pretend friends who saw only my faults. Without you I may not have ever found respect.
My only regret really is that it took so long for me to see that I didn't need an adversary for me to find my light. Contrast makes things very apparent. It often promotes a crisis (sometimes several) to bring us to a realization. It seems like I've gone through a process of elimination over the years. Slowly removing from my life what I am not. The process continues with fewer unworthy adversaries. Mostly because over the past several years I realized it was always me. What was said or done to me hurt only because I believed it was true or that I deserved no better. Make no mistake I still get upset with people if they mistreat me, but one of the benefits of this blog is that I get to deconstruct it. People behaving poorly with me makes great fodder for topics, but my focus is always on why something bothers me. What part of me is resonating with what is going on in the outer world.
I have faults, we all do. In my darker moments I dwell on them rather than on my strengths. It can sting when someone pokes at one of those shortcomings or insecurities, but that is all the more reason to be more accepting of yourself. If we allow others to separate our being it only causes suffering. When we work on our own mess and love ourselves throughout, the way we respond to antagonism shifts. How that may look varies. Sometimes it is a peaceful ignoring of the treatment. Other times may be confrontational as we take up for ourselves. The thing to remember is the only adversary you have is you.
So how about it? Is there someone you think holds power over you? Do you have an arch nemesis? Is it more impersonal, a group perhaps? What would happen if you viewed them as an unworthy adversary? What if they were just small potatoes? What if the real challenger was in your own mind? Does that make it harder or easier to move forward? Why not look into the mirror and say, "The only way you win is if we both win."
Peace and Blessings,