Each week I always harbor the secret anxiety that this week will be the week I don't have anything to write about. It's funny how life works though, you take it on yourself to blog each week and something happens and BANG topic for the blog. In some ways writing is very healing while simultaneously also being extremely annoying. The best thing about my commitment to blogging is that I get the opportunity to transmute something I find challenging into a perspective shift. I highly recommend people keep a journal for that very reason. It is quite enlightening to see what is really going through your own head all the time. Sometimes we just get stuck on the horror movie channel in our brains, and unless we realize that we don't get up to find the remote and change channels.
About a month ago I attended a shamanic retreat. It's been a year since I started this particular initiatory program. So much can happen in a year. I've seen relationships end, family conflicts on an unprecedented scale, felt real fear(on occasion faced it), had to look at myself in the mirror (literally), took my business to a physical location outside my own home (I love my office!), expanded my business into the international sphere, started teaching tai chi again, and looked at my own desires more soberly. There are other things that happened too; it is sometimes good to sit down and really go through where a year has taken me.
This week and honestly the past few weeks what I have noticed the most is the amount of resistance I feel in moving forward and making changes. You might think from reading the last paragraph that I don't have any problems in regards to changing. Well I left out how much self sabotage I seem to build into situations. Lately I just can't get motivated. I'm fine for my clients, but when it comes to myself and my own goals I just haven't felt it. I really started to think of myself as lazy, why did each step forward on any personal work seem to take so much out of me? The resistance lives on, within myself and my life patterns. I have been very intently changing deep patterns within myself since about 2011 (thank you matrix level 4 seminar). There is one thing I have become acutely aware of and that is how very unclear I have been in making plans about which direction my life will take. Now I am all about listening to the currents of life and following flow, but at some point you have to decide where you want that flow to take you otherwise you are just bobbing along without purpose.
Okay right about now some of you are thinking, "But you're Thomas Mooneagle and you're supposed to be so spiritual and gifted. Certainly you know where you're going and why." To which I would respond the Universe is very good at not giving out spoilers. One thing I have learned is that sometimes you don't know why you end up one place or another until much later.
Resistance seems to be built in to the process of change for one reason or another. Becoming aware of it when I feel the weight of it has sometimes been enough to help it dissipate, other times not so much. However pinpointing what the resistance is tied to has been very useful even when it doesn't make it any easier. I get some clarity as to why I am feeling what I am feeling. When I do sometimes I even manage to feel grateful for the resistance because it means something is moving or at the very least trying. Maybe slowing myself down is exactly what I needed.
How about yourself? Are you feeling inner resistance? Are you interpreting it as laziness, stubbornness, or some other "negative" quality? Are you aware of it when it happens? Are you ever able to thank the resistance? Are you able to locate where you feel it? Maybe resistance shouldn't be seen as an obstacle, maybe we should see it as a bodybuilder sees a weight in the gym, a training tool. How does that change your perspective on your inner challenges? Let me know and I'll let you know when my resistance has passed on.
Peace and Blessings,