Thursday, April 11, 2019
Yes it has been a while. I do not wish to stop writing this blog, but I have had to prioritize other things. Since my last post I have turned my pen (well keyboard) to other creative pursuits. I have also been doing a lot of inner healing work in conjunction with the beginning phases of my next book. There are some common themes that are rising to the surface as I do this work.
One of my earliest memories of church is one of a shouting priest, red in the face telling us all how unworthy and sinful we were. I was the child that would hide when it came time to goto church (gee I wonder why), but only occasionally did that strategy work. While there is some value to religious teachings, there seems to be an epidemic on how to do it wrong. The seed that these early experiences planted in me was that I had become better to be worthy of love and attention. This seed blossomed into a poisonous vine that choked the life out of my self worth and ability to form healthy relationships. It also drove me from one self improvement technique to another without ever finding true acceptance.
There was an upside to this. I've learned a vast array of meditative and mystical energy techniques throughout my life. The core of my challenges though always come back to that feeling of being unworthy. Unfortunately I have allowed people around me that have reinforced that core belief pattern. I even had one former friend actually say that I didn't deserve to find love. In their eyes I didn't measure up. (Don't worry folks I burned that bridge quite thoroughly). At the time I didn't say anything, I just sadly accepted their pronouncement. Lately I've been calling out that voice in my head that tells me if I want something I have to change to be worthy. The truth is that voice will never think I am worthy enough. So I have decided instead to hold it under the water until it stops struggling.
There is nothing wrong with self improvement. I just want it to come from a place of excitement and curiosity rather than from one of desperation. The idea of worthiness and the harm it causes doesn't just end on the personal level it echoes out on the societal stage. How many times have you asked someone about something like universal health care or educational opportunities only to have them answer back with how this group or that group doesn't deserve it? Of course that means none of us can benefit from it either, but some people are so married to idea that people have to be worthy that they would forego benefits for themselves rather than see someone they don't think measures up receive them. As a teacher of mine would say, "They just shit in their own hat." Would it be terrible if we looked out for everyone whether we thought they deserved it or not?
Why am I telling you this? Well more than likely you have harmed yourself either through self sabotage or self esteem loss, or you have allowed others to bring you down because of this false idea of needing to be worthy. Part of my daily practice of late has been to call in the energy of Grace. The nice thing about Grace is it is there for all, worthiness has no part in its generosity. When I approached the spirit of Grace directly I was told that it was in everything. It had no form, it expresses throughout the universe in every atom, every cell, and every single soul...including yours. It takes no sides and has no agenda. It is simply there to uplift us all.
So how about you? How much does the cult of worthiness ensnare your mind? How much good do you deny yourself or others due to this hateful idea of earned benefits. What if you just wished good for all beings whether they were 'worthy' or not? What if you included yourself in that wish? Try it out for a while. Call that accusatory voice out on its bullshit, and see what happens.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
I hope you've had a lovely first week of spring. A week ago I led a community drumming on the spring equinox. I was not feeling like doing it, but so glad I did. The rhythm of the drum and making prayers into a physical act is very simple, but also very powerful.
As I move forward into this new season I'm feeling layers of myself peel away. Just as the land is thawing so too are the emotions that were frozen in stasis within my body. I am finally getting in touch with the deep sadness and loss that has been there beneath the surface. I've started to let it out, and while it hurts it is also a relief to my body. It's a lot of work for the muscles and fascia to hold those feelings inside. I'm also coming face to face with many old outmoded conflict patterns.
This summer when I journeyed to Eagle, Guardian of the East, they told me to become a man without enemies. I thought that sounded great but I had no idea how I was going to do that. People like to pick on me, they always have. They like to cast me in roles as adversary when I exercise my authority and tell them no, or won't submit to them. They do this because they perceive me as passive and easy going. So I have continually found myself in adversarial roles with one person or another over the years. I have cast them as 'the enemy'. The problem with having an enemy (besides that you have an enemy) is it is too easy to give your power away to them, or project what you don't like about yourself onto them. As you know they're the one with the problem, right?
I finally get why so many teachers have said to not hate your enemy. When you hate someone you have given them the power to choose who you are. I want to be kind, but if I claim someone as an enemy or hate them, whether their behavior warrants scorn or not, I've let them determine who I am. So right now I have choices to make. I do need to respond to bad behavior in an appropriate manner when it occurs, but I don't need to mirror another person's malice and let it direct my actions and motives. I have to choose to be kind and loving regardless of what others are doing. I think once I consistently do that I will have become what Eagle foresaw.
Why am I telling you this? Well we all run up against people that try to hurt us or take a dislike to us. They can make life pretty miserable. It is easy to be angry with them. It's fine to be angry with someone's actions, and to take appropriate steps to address the situation. To stay in that anger though and sit in the same soup of malice ultimately harms us more than what anyone else could do to us. This is why so many traditions talk about forgiveness and compassion.
How about you? Are you casting someone as the villain? Are you allowing someone else's malicious intent to affect your own principles? Are you deciding your actions and motives, or are you allowing the behavior of others to do that for you? It is not easy to stay centered in an unkind world, but ultimately it is the only way to change it.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
I have become erratic on posting, but I hope to get back into rhythm soon. I have been busy doing deep work for myself which eventually I'll bring to others.
Work on my second book is underway, and I can hardly believe it. Right now I am doing the research and background work, so don't expect a publication date anytime soon. This book's focus is primarily on healing the inner self and to do so I've been testing the methods out on myself. I am my front line beta-tester.
Currently I am working in the chakra system, specifically the root chakra. This one is often ignored by people who seek to raise their consciousness and transcend. That generally leads to very shaky results in my experience. You can experience peak moments of clarity and love, but without a stable foundation it has nowhere to ground into your body or your life, so it tends to dissipate quickly like a dream in the morning sun. The seed of the divine spark sleeps in the root, if we work on healing and balancing the root chakra we pave the road for it to awaken the chakras above it. The root for me represents the seat of personal identity, self worth, and being embodied.
The root if nurtured early tends to develop fairly strong, but it needs attention and more importantly acceptance. Neglect, abuse, or constant criticism of someone's worth will damage it. Severe trauma can also crack the root. Sometimes this is unintentional, and other times it is a strategy used by manipulative types to project and shape a person's identity into what they desire for it. This can lead to many long term crippling mental and emotional issues. I've often quoted the Wandering Oracle who said, "A curse is a lie we believe about ourselves." That lie lodges itself into the root poisoning our sense of self and worth.
So in my book in process, I am working through the chakras methodically to bring in many types of healing ceremonies and practices. I got to act on the guidance from the first journeys I took at the beginning of the month. The picture above is of the despacho ceremony I did dedicated to Sashamama (Serpent Mother), who rules over the root chakra in the Andean Shamanic tradition. (The paper is red not pink, the lighting affected the photo). This was assembled after doing a Kutti despacho which functioned as a way to get rid of all the curses, heavy energy, or any projections I was carrying. In this case I aimed it solely at the root chakra. I was lucky to have one of my teachers help me with this work, and I could feel the power of it building as we put the despacho bundles together. Before starting the work I had anxiety about what was about to happen. This is not surprising, changes in the root would change my sense of self. I also knew that this was necessary for me to walk further down my personal path of power.
So why am I telling you this? Well in these uncertain times, having a stable foundation is crucial. We often just stumble on, trying to get by, afraid to dig deep into the dirt of our lives. Many of us have weeds growing in our lives from seeds that others planted within us. We pull at the shoots, but they keep coming back, because we haven't gotten to the root of the energies. We think we have gotten rid of one problem when up it pops again in a new place in our life. If that keeps happening we either resign to the way things are or we go deeper.
How about you? Is your root stable? How much of your identity and self worth is dictated by the false projections of others? Do you have the same problems in your life pop up again and again? Well maybe it is time go deep and pull out of your root what doesn't belong there. Maybe it is time that you watered your seed of divine light that sleeps there. Your basic needs are not base, they are important, and so are you.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, February 24, 2019
I may have taken this hiatus thing a bit far. Let's just say I've been processing, and I continue to do so. Right now there are no guarantees for regular updates as I am wading through a lot of emotional and interpersonal stuff.
Grief takes its own time. The odd thing about it is how time has been playing with me. After my grandmother passed I started thinking back on my childhood. It's not as if I ever forgot it, but most of it I hadn't thought of in years, almost like it was someone else's childhood. I had over the years scooped it up and put it in a room and quietly closed the door. I don't want to give the impression that I had a horrible childhood. I think it was rather standard. There was some bullying and a good bit of loneliness, but nothing traumatic.
What has been coming back particularly was my early childhood in Florida. I haven't lived there in over thirty years. I remember the holidays, singing in the choir (yes I really did that), going to catholic school, long summer days in the pool, and the feeling of coming rain. I also remember spending a week or two at my grandmother's house in Tennessee and catching fireflies in the evening (although we called them lightning bugs). I remember going to visit my great aunts and uncles and also the happiness of coming home again and diving into our pool. I can still picture the dust motes in our den in the late afternoon sun.
I left Florida when I was nine, and for the most part I didn't miss it too much as I didn't really have any friends there. I often wonder what life would have been like if we'd never moved. I'm glad I started there, but I don't think it would have served me to grow up there. I am certain I would not have become Thomas Mooneagle. I wouldn't have met the people that shaped me on my magical path. Not the person who first gave me the idea that it was possible, nor the ones that shared their knowledge and skill with me, and not the crucial ones who showed me kindness and believed in my goodness when I most needed it.
Why am I telling you this? Well there are gems hidden in the locked rooms of our memories. We can easily forget the deep feelings that once filled our bodies to bursting, both pleasant and otherwise. It is wise to open the door every so often and see how we've changed, what we've lost, and what we've gained. The perspective of time can even help us find peace with some of the more painful memories. The skills I've developed and use in my practice did not come about because I was a happy person. That is often true for many of us.
How about you? Have you locked the door to memory? Do you start your identity halfway through your life story and ignore the first few chapters? If Hollywood has taught us anything in the past decade it is that origin stories are powerful. What if your memories could be the fuel to reignite your inner fire? What if the door to the past was left ajar? Take a stroll down memory lane and see what you find.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
I know it has been a few weeks. At some point I will get on a more regular blogging schedule again, but I've been giving myself the time I've needed to move through the changes I've had these past few months. Some things I can't yet write about in order to protect the guilty, but other things I certainly can.
This past weekend I took a road trip for work. I'd gotten a referral from a center about someone with entities and disturbances in their home. So I drove a couple hundred miles on Saturday to clean house. I try to avoid doing jobs like these that are so far away, the drive is tiring, and often so is the work itself. I took a friend with me who wants to train up so that they can field these sorts of cases in their neck of the woods. We arrived, we assessed, and we went about our business. The catch? Well the place wasn't really haunted, there were no 'demons' there to torment the client. The thing that was tormenting them was a phony psychic that had told them they were cursed and needed to purchase a $700 curse removal kit from them. Luckily they didn't bite, however they still ended up paying me for my time (not $700 worth I can guarantee) and my travel.
If there is one thing I despise perhaps above all others, it is when people take advantage of someone's fears or insecurities. I sincerely hope that this person's kit is worth the price because if there is justice in the world they will someday need it for themselves. They are lucky I don't know who they are. I wouldn't curse them, but I would make it my business to shine a light on their business dealings. I'm quite sure they don't want the kind of attention I can bring. To say I was furious is an understatement. When practitioners or more than likely phony practitioners try to scare up some business they make my job much harder. Once a person has it in their head that they are cursed the fear often will create circumstances to back up that belief. I can do my work and clear, but if they continue to carry the fear nothing anyone can do helps. Sometimes a person really does have a spiritual issue but due to past practitioners putting the 'Fear of God' (or the Devil) into them they never feel safe again. Yes there are many practitioners who should be wary of meeting me in a dark alley. (Liam Neeson is not the only one with skills).
So why am I telling you this? Well I wanted to share my frustrations with the charlatans in my field. I also wanted to share a word of warning. Beware those that would stoke your fears in order to make themselves look like your salvation. When working in the occult, as with other fields, prices and services should be transparent. I have a fee for me to go out and investigate, a portion of which will go towards any fee for any subsequent work I do. I have an hourly rate which I tell people about before I go. I let them know what to expect, and I try to be as honest as possible without going into unnecessary detail which would disturb their peace. If the person you are working with does not do those things you may want to think twice. Also give me their name...I'll be sure to pay them a courtesy call.
Peace and Blessings,
Sunday, January 20, 2019
I hope you are enjoying the cold winds that have brought their snowy gift to this region. I am very grateful to have a place that is safe and warm to rest. Much has been made about this super blood wolf moon. I felt something deep stirring last night, but it felt like it was the powerful quiet of the snow. It seemed to radiate energy as it fell.
Many will make noise about the power of celestial events, and they can heighten energies. What I have been working with has been more internal. I have a weekly practice of ceremony which I have maintained for the past 5 years. The weekly prayers that I do have touched many lives and while I take them on as an obligation they are also a privilege. They offer me great steadying power as I move through my life. For a while I've been contemplating a daily practice. I knew whatever I did would have to be simple. It would have to something I could perform anywhere. It would also have to be able to be done quickly. So in the past two months I have come up with something, and while I don't always remember to do it early in the day, I do get to it once a day. I'm trying to not be a hard ass about it.
I can hear some of you thinking, "What is your practice?" So I will describe it as best I can. My daily practice involves me tending to my energetic cords that connect me to the world and all my relationships. I invite the energy of Grace to move through my cords, to clear any debris or imbalanced energy. I ask that it repair any tears or holes in them. I ask that it remove any attachments or cords that no longer serve me. After that I draw down light from my cord to the Source of Life. I surround myself in that light and then invite all my guides and helpers into it to walk with me.
One of the things that prevented me from committing to a daily ritual was perfectionism. Ideally I would do this when I woke up, or at least before I left the house. However I have noticed the more loose I am about the practice, the more likely I am to adhere to it. I often tell my students about Tai Chi that just 10 - 15 minutes a day is enough to see some benefits. It is of course better to practice longer, but if they feel pressure to do that they are more likely to skip it, rationalizing that since they can't do a half hour or more it is not worth doing. So with that practice I often will do my 15 minutes and on days where I have time or feel like doing more, I do more. It turns the obligation into more of a treat for the self. I'm trying to adopt that attitude for my daily spiritual practice, and it seems to be working. If I forget to do it one day, I simply pick up the next day. The practice is for me. It isn't homework, nor an assignment. It is self care.
Why am I telling you this? Well I think we all need some sort of practice each day that centers us and brings us back into balance. That practice doesn't have to look anything like mine. It could be simpler or more elaborate. It could be a short walk outside where you let go of the day. It could be turning off your phone and lighting a candle. It could be simply listening to some peaceful music, or it could be dancing around to your favorite rock ballad. It doesn't matter what it is, just that it feeds your spirit. In our society we have ways to feed just about everything except our spirit.
So how about you? Are you consistently feeding your spirit, or are you getting by on the scraps fed to you by the human interest story on the nightly news? Do you take a single moment to acknowledge that power that resides within you, or do you worry more about recharging your phone? Well if you find your spirit is on the malnourished spectrum I advise you take some time to feed it. Just take a moment or two a day to do something that is meaningful to you and your path. If you don't know what that is, then use that moment to pose the question to your spirit. "What simple action or practice would nourish you the most? Please show me." Once you find that, just try and do it each day. Be glad when you follow through, and forgive yourself and simply start again when you forget. Until next time...keep practicing.
Peace and Blessings,
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
I hope this post finds you well and whole. The last few weeks has been a whirlwind of change for me. There is much that I can do now, but I find myself moving slowly.
At the end of the year, I found people were getting back in touch with me for appointments and opportunities. I generally see a dip before the holidays and sometimes into the new year. This time it was a blessing as it gave me time to process my recent loss. I've had just a few clients since my grandmother's death. What I have found is that I am still quite capable and effective, but that when I work my emotions are much more intense. Of course it has always been that way, but I've not quite had this level of grief whilst trying to work. It hits me both before and after a session. So I am able to focus and give a level of service I am proud of, but the personal cost to me has been higher. For this reason I find I am not getting as much done as I could be.
I can't tell you how many times I've had people tell me that they'd love to do what I do. What they don't understand is just how much what I do demands of me. I require lots of time to rebalance myself to make sure I am in integrity. I arranged my life in a way to be of service that precludes a normal full time career with benefits and safety nets. Plus I get all the feels, all the time. Emotional states in me have to be watched because if they go much out of balance my physical body tends to get sick. All while I live in a culture that actively ridicules what it is I am and do. Still I can only be what I am. I can only do what is in me to do. So I do it the best way that I can. So rather than beating myself up, right now I am allowing myself more rest. I am moving slowly. I am re-centering until I feel strong enough to move out into the faster currents of life.
Why am I telling you this? Well many of us get bogged down in the idea of being productive and ceaseless activity. Some refer to this as the Cult of the Busy. The belief goes something like this, important people are busy, good people are busy. Therefore if you want to be good or important you must always be busy. We were not designed for such things. We were designed to be active, but we were also meant to rest and relax. We need the latter to achieve the best results with the former.
So how about you? Do you berate yourself for having human limits of energy or will? Do you put off feeling your emotions so you can get more done? Do you ever clear your schedule for slow time? Well it might be a good time to start. Give yourself time to rest, dream, and then maybe your plans can come about in their own good time.
Peace and Blessings,