Sunday, June 17, 2018
I may actually get my blog post out on time this week. I feel so accomplished.
Well this week I was at my lowest I've been in many years mentally and physically. I was exhausted in my body and in my heart. A lot of people think that life doesn't happen to me because I'm all magical and mysterious. That of course is complete bullshit. I have the same struggles and challenges that everyone does (plus a few others that come with being 'special'). What I have been dealing with lately is the decline of a grandparent and the convalescence of a parent. That has been the backdrop to some longstanding interaction patterns that are unhealthy and in some cases toxic in my family. You know what they say if you think you're enlightened go spend a week with your family.
In times of stress we don't think clearly. Well at least I don't. It is easy to shut down and become fixated on the current dilemma. For me it is like a script in my head telling me what's going on and where it will lead. Normally there is some balance with that, but in certain instances it is like our brains get stuck on the same station and for some reason they are playing the same bad song over and over. The thing that I have noticed is that the voice dictating the script in my head has been repeating other people's projections of me (or if we want to get real technical my perception of their projections). What was alarming about this projection was it was wearing my face, and masquerading as my identity. I had internalized these projections true or not, and now they were ruling the roost. So Mr. False Face was reading my internal dialog and it was pretty nihilistic. So sometimes I forget that I have tools. Luckily I also have many allies, and some are very persistent with getting my attention. Long story short, I went to see my power animal and they shook me loose a bit. After that journey I still had that inner monologue in my head, but I now had other counterpoint voices saying things like, "I don't think that's true," or "Well that's not helpful at all," or "You only think they think that about you, odds are that's not right."
Yes I have voices in my head. I talk to myself, sometimes I crack myself up too. I was telling another practitioner that was working on me that having multiple voices in my head was far preferable to having just one. One voice makes it very easy to obsess and get stuck in an unhealthy idea. To quote a favorite show of mine, "A delusion starts out like any other idea." Having multiple inner voices actually helps me to hold more than one perspective. This is a useful skill if you are giving intuitive readings, but it is also useful tool in general for discernment. In this middle world we have to discern truth from lies, balance from imbalance, and love from fear. We have to be able to examine our own thoughts, and having multiple points of view in your own head is a great start.
So why am I telling you this? Well many of you may have noticed that I haven't been on my stride the last few weeks, or that my posts have been sort of morose. This happens, sometimes life knocks us down. The important thing is to find a way to get back up, or ask for a hand. It is easy to obsess over what is not right in our lives or what is 'wrong' with us (or someone else). It's okay to have those thoughts, but you probably don't want to have them on continuous playback.
How about you? Do you have a monolithic voice dictating your identity and circumstances to you? Is the voice kind? Is the voice helpful? Is it accurate? Does it wear your face, but seem to act like a past authority figure you've encountered? What if we opened up the internal forum for more voices of reason and feeling? None of us are just one thing, so why should one voice speak for our psyche? In the coming weeks encourage your various voices to speak up. You might be surprised to find that what you thought was you, is really a masked figure from your past. Thank them for their input and then pass the microphone.
Peace and Blessings,