Another week has passed. It has been in turns both wonderful and terrible. I've reconnected with some folks I hadn't seen in a long time. I also had a good week work wise, however my internal weather has been earthquakes and tidal forces pulling on my little fragile self, or what I have previously identified with as the self.
I have often counseled people to move slowly when doing deep inner work. This goes for both energetic/magical work or more mundane forms of depth work. There is often a "can do" or "more is better" attitude when it comes to "self improvement". I'm beginning to think there is no self improvement, just coming into alignment with who we truly are. Many spiritual traditions point to an all knowing and all powerful Creator who made us. This idea competes with many societal and religious doctrines which tells us we are intrinsically flawed and must fix or improve ourselves in order to be worthy. There in lies the success of the multibillion dollar cosmetic and diet industry. To those of us that subscribe to a belief in a creator deity I pose this question, why do you think an all powerful all knowing being made a mistake when they made you? To those of us who subscribe to a more scientific materialism model I ask, "Can over a billion years of evolution be wrong?"
I emailed my support group of shamanic practitioners only to find that many of them have also been experiencing this shakiness and feeling of things crumbling. I had worried that I had moved too fast, and tripped down the lightning path for a bit. I've done that before, it's been a good five years since I have and it only took about a year or so to recover from the last misstep. This impatience with ourselves and trying to be more and better can cause us to overload our circuits. As we remove or replace core belief patterns it can feel like the house of our self is crashing down around us. Our identity and sense of self is intertwined with both the authentic components of our identity and the false projections we've picked up from our culture, family, and belief systems. When one thing moves the whole thing moves. Think of a Jenga tower half way through a game. Any piece you take out causes the whole tower to sway. If you are into the game you get nervous, even though it is a false construct. It is the same with our self concepts and belief structures.
All that said right now myself and many others are being called on to embody more of our authentic nature, that which was created at the beginning either by evolution or a deity figure. The world around us needs us for our innate attributes and not for what society has told us we have to offer. We are the people we've been waiting for. We are the light and the dark has been rising. This sense of unease in myself is from my inner resistance from assuming and embodying more of that. I like many of us lack faith in myself and doubt my worthiness on many levels. The more inner resistance I have the worse that anxious feeling becomes. As a spirit recently told me, "You don't believe in good dreams do you." She was right I hope for things but don't really expect them. This is something I must sort through, as power rises in me I must surrender to it. I mustn't argue that the Universe is mistaken, and I am not fit to embody this.
So how does this apply to you? Well do you feel lately that you're spinning out of control? Are you wanting to make a course correction, but can't even get your bearings? Are you stepping back into the shadows instead of forward into the light that you are? Have a little patience, be gentle with yourself. Consider the odds of you even existing in this moment in time, in the space that you do. If there is a grand pattern to things, might you not be a part of it? What if you just believe you belong here now in this world for its betterment? What if you stopped wondering about worthiness and just took your existence as proof that you are? What if you embraced the awesome power of your spirit? What if instead of being struck by the lightning, you rode it down to earth? So to sum up: you are here, you matter, and you're worthy.
Peace and Blessings,